Hmm... will I end up with spoilt brats?

[FairyMum]

Do you only buy your children toys at christmas/birthdays? I often let them buy themselves something when we go shopping which I suppose is quite rare, but we fly once a month and they will pick up something at the airport. I remember my parents always saying no to me in shops, I suppose to teach me the value of money. It didn't work though as I am hopeless with money. I don't want my kids to be spoilt, but I also feel it's a bit unfair on them as they have parents who buy things without looking at the price-tags, so why shouldn't they be able to?
They don't have more toys than others, nor walk around in designer gear and still get very excited about getting a toy or present. But how strict should you be ?

I really wish it was legally possible for my nearly 11 year old to get a part time job. He loves buying things (or rather having things bought for him). He loves shops and shopping (as long as the shops are interesting for him). He is going through a whingey phase and if we said yes all the time, I'd consider I was spoiling him. No matter what we buy him, there's always something else he wants. If we were rich, I think he could turn into a spoilt brat quite easily.

There's always a big gap between what he wants and what we can afford to give him. But he does know the value of money. He has pocket money and hates parting with it too quickly. He continually asks me instead to buy him stuff on top of his allowance - mostly the answer is 'no'. He would love to be paid wages by an employer. I want him to find a job as soon as he is legally able to. He would be in 7th heaven working in a cafe or a shop, handling money, talking to customers and getting paid for it. He has already helped me on a retro clothes stall I ran in the summer for a day - actively persuading customers to buy the clothes. He is so ready to work and it would do him lots of good.

I don't believe in giving him wages for doing general household chores as these are part and parcel of family life - and anyway I can't affort to pay him the sort of money he is after!

I don't buy my DS or DD things .... only if it is Christmas or Birthday or if they need it.
I DO buy DS books though ...
When DS gets a certain amount of stickers on his chart (we do a sticker chart for good bedtimes and sleeping all night) his rewards are things he can do with us ... a trip to the zoo, Kelly Tarlton's (the Auckland aquarium), the Museum, Mini Golf, Swimming .... etc etc.
I personally think it is wrong to buy children what they want when they want it, regardless of how much pleasure it gives me to give DS something. As a result DS is great to go shopping with as he never does the "I want, I want" thing. In fact, when we shop for presents for someone's birthday or for Christmas the first thing he will say when he picks something up is "Can we get this Mummy, or is it too expensive?" (He is 5 by the way)
My DH grew up having everything he wanted and as a result he is terrible with money. He relied on his father to bail him out right up until we got married and when his dad finally said "No" DH went and got himself (and me) into massive financial debt by getting loans that he couldn't afford because he couldn't see why he couldn't have the things he wanted. THAT is the main reason we moved to New Zealand. So that we could start again. Because of his spoilt (financially ... his parents are crap in the way of emotional support and always have been) I had to leave my beloved family to save my marriage and the future of my son ....
I now have control of our finances and we are finally (3 years later) on a good footing again .... DH still spends stupid amounts of money if I let him ... he won't buy cheap ... and it is still a bone of contention in our relationship.
So, yes, in answer to your question, I think they will end up spoilt ... unless you work very hard at making them understand the value of money .... which is very difficult if they get everything they want.
Bit of a rant there, sorry, but I feel very strongly about this.

ghosty, that sounds tough for you. Really glad you have control of the family finances now. I think it's such a bone of contention when your partner has different spending habits to you. My dh has a tendency to buy expensive, too. My stress levels rise when we go shopping together, and it's something we rarely do. I too have 'control' over the family finances. It is such a headache but there is no other way. Dh won't have anything to do with day to day money decisions and bill paying. I am not that good with money but at least I'm not attracted to expensive stuff.

wierdly, I was the one who got spoilt as a child - my mum used to give me up to 20 pounds a week to spend on clothes when I was a teenager in the 70's. My dh, on the other hand, left home at 16, joined the navy, worked for his money and got very little financial back up from his parents.

So IME, ending up as a spoilt adult has much to do with personality. Some people are just more materialist than others.

That is a good point Tigermoth ...
I grew up with money too, but my parents didn't spash out on us .... and by the time I was 15 my mum stopped buying me stuff and gave me an allowance, if I ran out, I ran out and that was that.
It was awful when we were in debt, our marriage was nearly wrecked ... and we have had to seriously change the dynamics of our relationship because of it ... for example, DH has lost all of his romantic side as he says there is no point buying me romantic surprise gifts because I will know how much they cost and get cross with him ... I have to accept that obviously ... and now we try to be romantic in unmaterialistic ways, which DH finds hard.
He just can't buy the middle of the road item that we need ... he has to have the 'rolls royce' of things ... you should see our barbecue ... it is ridiculous!!! I love him to pieces but hate this side of him ... he, thankfully, is aware of this flaw in his character and does try hard now, as he got a major shock when we were in debt.

I tend to buy my kids presents only at Christmas and birthdays, though I make an exception for books. My dh also gets them dvds in between times. I probably indulged my dd more when I was working fulltime and could afford it, but even then it was probably clothes and books rather than toys.

I think it's a question of striking a balance. I am the eldest of five and somehow always was made to feel guilty asking my parents for anything. Ok they didn't have much money to spare but I think in some ways they were over cautious. I have strong memories of feeling embarrassed as a child/teenager about my clothes/glasses. I think in Child of our Time recently they said that how a child looks is actually important in ensuring they fit in at school. etc.

On the other hand, my cousins had a very comfortable lifestyle, went on foreign holidays before it was commonplace, etc. Like some of the other posters, I have noticed that right into adulthood they kept getting into trouble financially and always expected their parents to bail them out. They were used to a certain lifestyle but did not have the ambition or work ethic to get a job which would allow them to continue to live this way.

My kids don't really play with toys much anyway and are more likely to make up games using household items as props. So my view is spend your money on clothes and books, but within reason.