Hmm... will I end up with spoilt brats?

[FairyMum]

Do you only buy your children toys at christmas/birthdays? I often let them buy themselves something when we go shopping which I suppose is quite rare, but we fly once a month and they will pick up something at the airport. I remember my parents always saying no to me in shops, I suppose to teach me the value of money. It didn't work though as I am hopeless with money. I don't want my kids to be spoilt, but I also feel it's a bit unfair on them as they have parents who buy things without looking at the price-tags, so why shouldn't they be able to?
They don't have more toys than others, nor walk around in designer gear and still get very excited about getting a toy or present. But how strict should you be ?

HMC-I know what you're getting at but I had a bit of a split childhood moneywise. My mum is poverty line poor,my dad OTOH would count as "seriously well-healed", he paid for me to go to very well-known, expensive schools. I wore Ralph Lauren to school at 13 (before you could buy it in Outlet shops!) and so on. It ws weird and has left with me with a bit of a strange attitude. I'm accustomed to having money in one way so I've probably disappointed my dad by marrying an academic at 22, choosing a low stress, relatively low paid job (although it still passes the £1k for every year of your life test!). TBH when some MNers post about them and their DHs working incredibly long hours but also having greta holidays or whatever, I do think WHY?? I have the attitude that so long as we're comfortable I don't particularly want more (i.e. big house, flash car, luxury holidays). I think my reaction is against the sort of life my dad led (and to a certain extent still leads) as he has missed out on a lot of things and we are only now rebuilding our relationship.

However, I would never give up work as although we could live off DH's income (after all, many people manage on far less) it would be a pretty boring life. So, not completely laissez-faire.

Hope that doesn't come across as too self-satisfied...

BTW, I introduced DD to the joys of window-shopping early on. We would have a little chat about going to the shops to look but not buy and she had grasped this by your DD's age. Don't know if it would work with every child but I can honestly say she's not the "I want.." type.

before i say anything ill just remind you that my boy is ONLY 18 MNTHS so i have not got to the stage of him being able to ask for things and me giving them to him cos he's yummy.

however i will be wary of buying him something each time we are out or he is tempted because i want to avoid that need for 'continuous material gratification' !

My ds2 is currently in a stage where he refuses to spend his money! He often nearly buys something, but then invariably ends up deciding it's "not worth it", so his pocket money is racking up.

lol @ handlemecarefully

He gets £1 per week Enid, plus 10ps cashed in from his "didn't he do well" pasta jar courtesy of Soupy. Between Christmas and half-term he accumulated £8, some of which was spent on treating an exhausted grandma to a latte in Costa.

Marina-that's so lovely about your DS and his grandma.

how much pocket money does everyone think is fair as my son is 5 and my daughter is 3 3/4..do you think its too early? whats everyones experiences?

Oooo... FairyMum - I was about to post a thread like this because it's something I wondered about. I quite often spend on small things here and there as a treat as I think waiting for Christmas or Birthday is a hell of a long time for a 3 year old - especially if you think they can get a lot of play value out of it in the months to come.

I want to be generous without spoiling - and I'm not sure where the dividing line is. It doesn't help that my mum always makes a comment about "we never had this many toys when we were young" when she visits (usually bearing toys!) - but then a) toys were a lot more expensive compared to income then and b) we are better off than my grandparents were when she was small. Also, I don't think that the boys have masses of toys - certainly not compared to their peers or other relations in the family. They don't get huge amounts to open at Christmas or Birthdays just for the sake of it.

Dd probably is spoilt, if I see something I know she would like I get it and she does ask for things. She probably does have more than most other children ( divorced parents syndrome )

I grew up in a family that never had money, we made up for a lack of toys by playing lets hide from the bailiff! I know that I spoil dd by giving her things I never had, which I think is quite natural.

However we have tried cutting back as she was not looking after her toys as there was always the promise of something new around the corner and there were too many toys so she didn't know what to play with. I also think she is aware that she has a lot and knows she is lucky, I work for a family support charity and she comes to work with me so she sees children who have less than her.

We spent a weekend sorting through her toys and donated some to a local charity and we just buy her less. We now spend the money on days out or special treats such as the theatre or her dance classes. She now treats things with more respect and if I say I don't have the money or you don't need it she will stop asking. I also say to her that I only have so much money and if I spend it on this doll we can't go to the cinema. I have also started giving her a couple of pound so she can buy herself something, again to try and teach her money is limited.

AS someone else said spoiling children isn't really about the amount of money you spend as it is relative to what you have but the way things are given. Perhaps some kids with lots of things are spoilt brats because their parents buy them lots of things to compensate for never being there - it would make me a bit bitter and sour if I had a room full of toys but no one to play with.

Interestingly the one time of year that dd isn't spoilt - by me anyway - is Christmas! A couple of dressing up outfits and a some art and craft stuff in her stocking.

But again that is probably linked to my childhood as we were always spoilt at Christmas and them mum was a nervous wreck all year trying to pay it off.

ds1 and ds2 get a pound for their money boxes each week (providing they have behaved )
granny also gives them £2 each. So, if they want something they have to use or save up their own money. I never go into a shop and they say ' i want' and i buy it, never have.
i make sure they get lots for christmases and birthdays and i regularly get new books for them, although nearly always second hand. I buy clothes, shoes, things for school etc when they need them.
Ds1 never asks for stuff in shops but ds2 is a pain and was embarassingly cheeky the other week when granny bought him a new toy, he opened it and said 'huh, thats rubbish' i was mortified
so, perhaps it does all depend on the child!

this is a worry for most paretns isn't it?

I wonder the same as your q. fairymum, because if I want something (or dh) we can & usually do just get it. But is it ok for the kids? I'm afraid mine are "I want, I want" types, esp ds1. I don't get them stuff that much, certainly not every couple of weeks or even months, tho' will usually let them choose a sweet at the till if they've been good in the supermarket.

But, they constantly crave more stuff. They choose the breakfast cereal based on what the surprise is, they want to go to the dreaded McDonalds for the toy & theyn usually leave at least half, if not more of the food, they fight & squabble over stuff & want to get (albeit cheap) little things all the time.

i don't think they appreciate the cost, I mean this in a 'nice'/innocent way - they would be just as happt to get something that cost 50p as something which cost £10, as long as they get stuff.

They do have an awful lot tho, -we live a long way from family & don't see them often, so when they do get a visit they always get bought loads of stuff, even from nanny's neighbours!!
They have a playroom stuffed full of toys which they rarely play with. Thier fav things are 'shooters' - not guns, but things that fire discs & such like around.

i don't know if we're too strict ( although the infrequent family visits more than make up for it), but it's the little, daily bits of rubbish they crave & I don't know If I should go with the flow or not.

btw, with 3 kids, what do you do with all the stuff? I'm loathe to throw stuff out, case the youngest one wants to move onto it, but we have a serious amount of toys

I don't think it's how often or what you buy them that spoils them. I think if your children still think it's a special treat, and are gratefull then no need to worry, it's if the children are demanding and assume that they will get something that might cause problems. My DS gets £5 pocket money and a little toy sent from my mum each week and he's always really excited to recieve it and really gratefull, we take him out to choose something to buy with it, he'll always say thankyou.

EEk, I'm the spoil them rotten type, I just can't help it. I'm just like colditzmum, I love to see ds's face when he gets something new.

I do worry that we are spoiling him and like ernest I loathe to throw things out but we too have far too many toys. Am trying for no.2 so at least I'll never have to buy another toy!!!

Ds does know that he can't always have everything he asks for and when I do buy him things when we are out they are only the little things like cars, books etc, but I do have to be honest and say I go mad on birthdays and christmas.

I wonder if I'm setting myself up for a brat camp candidate in later life? I think I need to learn a no spending mantra for when I'm near the shops!!!

Our kids have seroiusly too many toys and it worries me that they are over indulged. At christmas i have tried to insist that they only get one present each from grandparents etc and not make a habit of buying toys, but we still acumilate far too many toys. They tend to play with a few things a lot and the rest just gets ignored.

We do have a clear out a couple of times a year where they donate toys they dont play with to charity and they have got quite good at suggesting we give away stuff they dont want. I was surprised at the things they were happy to donate.

Interestingly we went away last week and took with us a box of knex and some bionicles, a few coloured pens and a couple of DVD's and they were quite happy all week, so it just goes to show that most of the toys are not missed much!

I can remember when we allowed dd to open a present on Christmas Eve and it was a pair of pyjamas. She jumped up and down with excitment shouting "Yeah pyjamas thankyou Mummy". Maybe I haven't done so bad.

Mind you i am up here because I am trying to avoid the chaos of a playroom covered in dressing up clothes that have been thrown about the room - so still some work to do on looking after things

FM - yes I try to reserve present buying for birthdays and Christmas ...ocassionally I will buy books or the odd 'start-chart' treat, or maybe something if we're on holiday, but generally they know not to expect presents when we're out shopping for example.

Marialuisa struck a chord with me. I tend to think it's about being satisfied with what you have. I'm from a working class council scheme. We never had much money but I don't remember ever wanting for things and I think the value of money was instilled into us from a very early age. At Xmas we understood that Santa only brought what Mum and Dad could afford to pay for - he wasn't a mythical figure that brought everything you wanted and if we asked for too much we got nothing.

I shall try to bring up my kids in the same way. IMHO kids getting lots of pressies is fine if they continue to appreciate them but if they come to expect it as the norm then that's where there is more danger of becoming spoilt. I also think it encourages an unrealistic view of life. They should be aware that things have to be earned to encourage them to make their own way in life. Perhaps this agrees with HMC a little (do I get a hug for that ).

My old boss had only one son and he got whatever he wanted in triplicate. A more precocious child you could never meet - makes me wonder what he'll do for a living when Daddy is always there to satisfy his every whim.

when I was a child my parents stopped my grandparents from bringing presents when they visited after I said "hello grandma, what have you brought me?" !

My own kids don't get tons of stuff but they do appreciate what they get. I was amazed one Christmas at playgroup when the visiting father Christmas brought all the kids a book, to see my friend's son (4.5) throw his on the floor in a temper because it was "only a book" and he wanted what his baby brother had (parents had to bring in their own present for siblings- but I thought she was daft for not bringing her youngest a book too). Now he WAS a spoilt brat & his favourite expression was "I want". Worst of it was he got everything he demanded. Where's the fun in birthdays if you get everything you want when you want it all year?

I think giving kids surprise treats for no apparent reason is fine, but supplying them with everything they demand is a recipe for disaster. Fairymum, doesn't sound like yours are spoilt

For the last couple of years there has been no spare cash to buy my children anything other than what I regard as essentials, and to pay for the odd kids club at the cinema on Saturday mornings - £1 per child!. I can't remember the last time any of them had a gift for a fiver or more if it wasn't their birthday or Christmas. But I don't feel that they are deprived in any way, as they all got an awful lot at Christmas, from relations and dh and I had saved up so that we could spoil them then. but I feel that my dd who is 16, suffers from a lack of money more than the boys as her best mate's parents are quite well off and everytime they go anywhere, best mate has a new top, or a new piece of jewellery, because her mum just can't resist buying her pretty things and I always feel desperatly sorry for dd, who seems to be wearing the same things all the time. She had a part itme job over the christmas holidays and ended up spending most of the money on presents for other people (bless her ). I'm not keen on the idea of her getting another as GCSE's start in about 10 weeks.
I wouldn't class best mate as 'spoiled' because if we had the money I would probably behave the same, but sometimes it does really hurt to see the expression on dd's face as I drop her off.

Haven't read all this thread, but was debating this myself at the weekend. I was in Netto and saw a huge farm set for a fiver, spent ages dithering over whether to get it for ds as he'd love it - eventually did so, and I'm so plesed - he does love it and plays with it loads (I reckon its given me at least 5 hours of playing on his own in his bedroom time since the weekend, which is excellent value!!).
But I rarely take him to toyshops.
My basic principle is that it isn't the stuff that spoils them, its how they get it...so whining 'I want that' is a fairly sure way not to get something, whereas asking nicely or being bought it on my whim is OK. Does that make sense?

It makes loads of sense Miranda. Thats why I stopped buying DS sweets at the supermarket. Now only buy them occasionally and randomly and not for being good. Would prefer to buy a toy/book in that instance. Although do always let him have choccie before swimming lesson because its at 11.30 and he is starting to get hungry/grumpy at that point. He has a banana afterwards.

My dd (5 on Monday) is spoilt! I've always got everything she wanted because I wanted to buy it - now Xmas and b'days are ridiculous - I feel like she has to have huge things and lots of them to make any impact, and really feel like I've made a rod for my own back. She whines and whinges till she gets a pressie on ANY shopping trip - I leave determined not to give in, and then negotiate that she has just the 50p thingy ....and that's it...until the next one. BEWARE

We're pretty well off but very careful not to spoil our kids. It just doesn't sit well with me, especially as we live in a country where 5 and 6 year olds are earning a living in the dead of winter cleaning shoes and selling tissues.

i have just taken a stack of brand new Christmas and birthday presents for my two to the local SureStart nursery. Dd (4) helped me carry them in quite happily.
Don't get me wrong, i love nice things and recently splashed out on two lovely beds from the iron Bed Company for each of my two. What riles me is just having stuff for the sake of it-countless dolls, shoes, whatever which are then never really enjoyed or appreciated.
As a Behaviorist, I apply the principle of random reward (eg rides on those slot car things,magazines,toys)which as any behaviourist will tell you is far more reinforcing than continual reward.
Dd is however, happy to be told 'next tim'e on most occasions. I am very proud of that.

My parents are always buying my DSs little gifts - I don't try and encourage it, DS2 is too small to play with most things and DS1 ignores most of his toys other than Thunderbirds.

I buy DS1 (4.11) a £5-ish gift and give it to him when he reaches the end of a row on his star chart. He decides at the beginning of the row what he wants at the end so I have plenty of time to find it, it normally takes 2-3 weeks to compete a row of 10 stars! He must have just about every Thunderbird 2 on the market.

Apart from this and birthdays//christmas, I don't think I do buy presents at other times really.