I did not handle this one very well. [sad]

[QuintessentialShadow]

We are having some problems with ds1 (6) as he is having some trouble doing as he is told. This has been going on for some time, mostly he is a very good boy but now and then he really set a shining example of what not to do.

This week he had his nintend confiscated in school. (They are allowed to bring in nintendos on wednesday, and allowed to play for half an hour after tea in the afterschool club)

When the time was up, ds was told to put his nintendo away and go outdoors for free play. Suddenly one of the teachers realized he wasnt there, and went searching. She went around school twice, no sign of ds, she went indoors, looked in the toilets, the cloakrooms, the pillow fight room, the games room, the lego room, you get the gist. But he was nowhere to be found.

They all made a search of a nearby forest, in case he had fallen and hit his head on a rock and was unconsious. (The school has large open grounds, no fence). Eventually she found him, on the third floor, hidden away outside the headmasters office, playing nintendo. So, he wailed when I brought him from school when he realized the nintendo stayed with the teacher, and he is not allowed to bring it in again.

For the umpteenth time we had a long talk about the importance of doing as a grown up tells him.

So, this evening at bedtime, he decided he was not coming to bed, and insisted to stay in the living room on the sofa. I told him three times to come to bed. Considering it is saturday night, they were anyway allowed to stay up longer than usual. I continued putting his brother to sleep, did not want to start a scene and upset his bedtime, but was hoping ds1 would join us for evening prayer and lullabies. He didnt.
Ds2 fell asleep and I went to the living room to fetch ds1, but he was adamant he was not coming to bed. He had no explanation. I asked, but he just shrugged.

I took him by the arm and led him into his bed, and told him I was very disappointed in him for this behaviour, and next week he would have to work twice as hard for his pocket money, because as of now, he was on zero. Then I left.

I did not handle this right at all. But we are trying so hard to talk about WHY he is doing all these silly things, WHY he is not listening and doing as he is told, but we are getting nowhere. Any advice
Sorry it was so long.

I think you have dealt with it very well. I'm sorry, I have nothing to suggest as I only have a toddler. Sounds tough, but you sound remarkably patient!

Message withdrawn

why do you think you handled it badly? I think you have handled it really well. You did not get angry and you are encouraging openness.

6 year olds are sometimes completely unreasonable just because that is how they are - my dd1 (nearly 7) is like that on occasions and she can be completely self absorbed to the exclusion of all logic and reason.

He sounds as if he is testing his boundaries, so stick to your guns and if you say you are going to do something follow things through.

However he is only 6, so he probably cannot vocalise why he has sone something silly; hence the shrugging of the shoulders when you ask him why he has misbehaved (imagine being in his shoes in the same situation, I would probably react in the same way)

Ot sounds as if you have got into a bit of a negative cycle. Try focussing on the positives... when he has done as he is told, praise him and watch his face light up
He may listen more to positive praise, rather than switching off and not listening when you discuss his poor behaviour with him.

I also only have a toddler, but think you have handled it remarkably well. I hope I can be as calm as you as DD grows.

i think you did really well...

he almost certainly doesn't know / cant begin to articulate the "why"....

basically he likes playing with his nintendo and was blissfully unaware of the fact that his poor teacher was probably going spare with worry when she couldn't find him....but that is typical of a 6 yr old IMO. To him it realaly isn't such a big deal. It's trying to get them to understand how big a deal some things are, and why, that is hard, as I know too well!

Sorry, I didn't get past the "pillow fight room, the Lego room"

You did exactly what I would have done with my ds - who also tests boundaries like that. Dont be cross with yourself. I would have a chat and a cuddle with him tommorrow and try to get him so explain his thoughts

I am impressed at the concept of a pillow fight room - my kids after school club has one room - the same room nursery is held in during the school day - and is to be frank, crap!

OK, have read the whole post, and think you did very well.

He is testing you. That's what little boys do.

If he came to bed when you took him by the arm, adn didn't struggle, rin away, hide behind curtains, I think his behaviour is pretty good.

You handled it great. In fact I can't see that you have anything to worry about by the way you dealt with this at all, you stayed calm and composed and that is half the battle with kids sometimes. They sometimes do it just to wind you up to get a reaction - you didn't give one. At 6 kids don't know why they do or don't do things. They just do. Some things I give my kids choice about such as ornage juice or blackcurrant juice, on things like bedtimes, it's do as I say when I say it. No negotiation. Don't get drawn into a battle and an argument.

Also at 6, kids should do what the parents tell them, sometimes without explanation. Remain consistent, give them one chance and one chance only when things get tough and stick at it.

Oh, focusing on the good things is not hard, he gets a lots of praise, because he generally is doing a lot of good. Like today, he realized I had forgotten to put water on the dinner table, and he just got up, took down glasses for all of us and poured us cold water. He is a very good boy.

This is why his behaviour is always so shocking when suddenly he does something he shouldnt. Often it is not minor things either, such as suddenly opening the door as the car is moving and running off across the carpark, while I am still trying to park the car.

Or, I had to make an important phonecall, while I had both boys in the car with me, so I stopped the car, told them both to be quiet as I had to make a quick call, and ds1 immediately starts tickling his brother as soon as Im talking, and I will make sushing sounds at him, I will cover the mouthpiece and ask him to be quiet, yet he keeps going, while looking at me. He is so unpredictable. Usually I blow a fuse.

Tonight I didnt. I am knackered. Been up since the crack of dawn and kitted dh out for some major offroad cycling adventure, been to town to buy fresh prawns from the fishing boats, done dinner, gone to the waterbus terminal, etc. So, I simply did not have the energy for fuse blowing.

Maybe that is the way forward.

(The afterschool club is part of the school. They have a kitchen were the kids often cook with the staff, and big eating area, and lots of different rooms for indoor play. Table football, lego, dvd and tv, dressing up. And the pillow room is great because the pillows are huge, and in geometric shapes, they can build houses with them, and they can go inside the houses, there are enough pillows to make two such houses, or boats, or space rockets. It is fab. It lasts 2-3 hours every day after school. Bear in mind many of the wintermonths are really cold and with sub zero temperatures, with storms and gales, so the kids needs plenty to entertain them indoors)

I would like a pillow fight room!
Think your doing fine as well btw.

Thanks.

I think you handled it really well actually from an outsider's point of view, unless the reason you're asking is that you think there might be an underlying reason for his behaviour and you think you should have approached it differently in case you could uncover something??

I sometimes feel a bit bad when I've been firm in case the reason for ds being mischievous (he's 3) is due to some cataclysmic event in his world which therefore makes me a bad mummy for not noticing...but at some point being firm is the only way to bring life back inside the acceptable boudaries and they need you to be the leader in doing that.

Fair point KM. Thanks. I had not thought about that, truth be told. Will modify to teachers and parents...