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Original poster

Childcare dilemma: What would you do? Come and talk to me please!

51 replies

angel1976 · 06/09/2008 20:59

Hi all,

DS is 6.5 months and I am thinking about going back to work PT. The plan is always that I go back after 9 months PT: 3 days at office and 1 from home so that DS will go to nursery/CM 3 days a week. At the moment, DH and I are thinking I might take the whole year off instead as DS was a very difficult baby and I am just starting to really enjoy him now. Just a short history: I was abused (by an older cousin) as a child and this happened when I was being looked after by my grandmother who lived with my uncle and aunty so there were always lots of children around so the abuse just kinda happen in the ensuring chaos. Because of this, I was never keen on a CM, I just feel that in a nursery, there's more people around and less likely for things like that to happen. HOWEVER, I went to see one nursery and was not happy that all the minders looked like they just came out of school. I spoke to other mothers and am coming round to the CM idea as I like the idea of someone who is a mother to look after my LO instead of someone who has never had a baby. I do realise this is my personal preference...

Now, my inlaws have suggested an alternative. They live an hour away and we get along mostly very well until DS arrived... My MIL is well intentioned but she does have fixed ideas of how you should raise children and I felt very pressured by her to do certain things... Anyway, there was a lot of tension, which ended up that we didn't really see much of one another lately. My SIL (who is lovely) spent last weekend with us, heard our side of the story and understood as she knows what her mum is like. She said certain things to my inlaws and as such, we 'had it out' today. It was all very civil - what they saw as suggestions to make our life easier, we saw as criticisms and interference. What we saw as non-involvement on their bit was them backing off as they didn't feel welcome by us (I come from a culture where my parents have an 'open house' and we specifically told PILs when DS was born that they should feel free to come and visit anytime but they basically expect a formal invitation to come and visit everytime!). Anyway, it does seem there's a lot of miscommunication. Also, MIL said she doesn't come to us because she has panic attacks and can't drive herself far.

So what they have offered is this, that they will look after DS for 2 days a week BUT because of MIL's panic attacks, FIL will come and pick DS up say on Sunday evening and then drop him back to us on Wednesday morning on his way to work... I don't really know how to feel about this... If MIL said she would come to ours to look after DS, I would feel a lot more comfortable with that but if DS is looked after at theirs, there's so many implications.

PRO 1:
DS will be looked after by close family

CON 1:
I will not have much control over how they raise DS if it is done at their place for that length of time (Can I bear to have DS away from me 3 nights a week?). At least, with a CM or nursery, I have control over certain things. Like I said before, PILs and I come from different cultures and I just don't know if I want DS raise the way they raised DH (though I have to say they obviously did a great job with him and SIL) but how much say can I have if the care is happening in their home?

CON 2:
DS will still need to go to nursery/CM one day a week. Is that going to be more unsettling for him? I actually think DS will enjoy nursery as he loves baby/toddler groups for the social element (he likes watching other children etc).

CON 3:
Because of my childhood (I had to deal with issues of abandonment as an adult), I don't ever want DS to feel abandoned. Will he feel that way if he has to stay part of the week away from us?

Please help! I just don't know what to think!!!!!!!!!!! DH and I can just about afford to have me be a SAHM but I do love my job and I think I will be overall a better and more well-balanced mum if I work PT. I would really value opinions from people in similar positions either as parents themselves or if they had been placed in a similar situation as a child. I know my views are skewed because of what happened to me as a child so just need some honest opinions and any other issues that this might bring?

Ax

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Original poster
angel1976 · 06/09/2008 22:29

Yes, I think you have all clarified it for me that I do not want DS away from me 3 nights a week! Thank you! Now i just have to concentrate on looking for a nursery/CM I feel comfortable with. Thank goodness DH is completely with me on this and is happy for me to take the full year off.

jvs I have heard that many times that one day a week at nursery doesn't really help and that continuous days are better (i.e. Monday-Wednesday instead of Monday, Wednesday, Friday)...

OP posts:
KatyMac · 06/09/2008 22:31

I totally missed that, 1girlie1boydy, my DH is a registered Childminder with an NVQ and my mum is a registered assistant

Original poster
angel1976 · 06/09/2008 22:33

Damn KatyMac, can I move near you so you can be my CM?

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KatyMac · 06/09/2008 22:34

Course you can pet - you'll get a great house....but we might struggle on the job front

Acinonyx · 06/09/2008 23:07

I had a lot of the same issues when I was starting to use childcare. I was worried about CMs and went with a nursery. Now dd is 3 and we have switched to a CM. I have no doubt that if you can trust a good CM it is better than nursery - the problem is trust with a preverbal child and a CM who is basically a stranger.

I was taken into care at 9 mo due to neglect and using childcare, even PT, has just about sent me insane, worrying about the negative effect on dd. When you have a dodgy history yourself it is hard not to project furiously onto your dc and worry yourself sick. That said - 3 nights/week what were they thinking!? I do know a family that do something like this - but they really have no choice.

Tryharder · 06/09/2008 23:41

Could you not postpone going back to work for 6 months or so? You indicated earlier on that you could just about afford it. You might feel more confident about childcare when your lo is a bit older and able to express himself a bit better.

However, my friend used a nursery for her DS which had webcams so she could actually see what her lo was doing from her computer at work.

solo · 07/09/2008 11:19

Only read the OP post, so not sure what others are saying.

When my Ds was born and I retrned to work when he was 16/17 weeks, my parents looked after him. I dropped him there each morning and collected him after work. I was bfing him so that would've been the only way.
When Ds started school, he then started to stay with them in blocks of days similar to the way your Mil is suggesting. It worked very well and took loads of pressure off me. I'm not convinced that I would've done it with his other(paternal)grandmother though. Difficult one, but I'm sure you'll sort it out ok.

If you have the ability to take the full year off, my advice is to do it. You cannot get that year back and they do sooo much in that time, it's wonderful!

Good luck

solo · 07/09/2008 11:25

Oh and your Ds and you will get used to the routine of blocks of days away. It may take a few weeks, but as long as he is happy and loved by all, he will get used to it and so will you. My Ds is very independant and confident in most things, my Dd on the other hand is very clingy toward me, but she's only spent one night away from me and at her age at the time - 18 months, was a nightmare!

spicemonster · 07/09/2008 11:42

I can only talk from my own experience but I hope it's useful. I felt like you did about nurseries and put my DS in one for about 6 months. Looking back, I was lacking in confidence of my ability to choose a CM who would be kind to my DS. At first the nursery was great but then his key carer left and there was a succession of temporary staff and lots of new babies.

I took him out because I could no longer get him to the nursery because I changed jobs and geographically it didn't work. But I moved him to a CM and it's the best thing I've done. He used to cry every evening when I picked him up - he doesn't any more. He smiles when I drop him off and smiles when I pick him up. He is thrilled to see his CM.

As far as your PILs are concerned, I would think you'd miss him way too much to have him away from you for half the week. It is a time of lots of changes - he'll be growing and teething and his sleep will be erratic so I'm not sure it's the best for him either. And if you've had difficulties in your relationship anyway, I think you will struggle to make it work.

edam · 07/09/2008 11:49

No no no no no and no again to your PIL's suggestion! You would hate it. You can't send your baby away for half the week!

I had the same experience as spicemonster - put ds in a good nursery with a fab baby room manager who was his keyworker. But by the time he was a toddler, the nursery manager changed, there was a LOT of staff turnover and ds became very unsettled. So I had to take him out.

That's the thing about nurseries, however good they are, they can change. And staff turnover is a big issue for many as they pay so badly. (We were paying the best part of £1k a month but they were paying the carers just £11k a year).

It is possible to find a good nursery, my niece is in one, but you can't just rely on nursery being better than childminder IME.

cookiemonstress · 07/09/2008 12:38

Hi
one night in the long run you would come to appreciate but 3 nights seem excessive. I live over charlton/blackheath way and have a phd virtually on childcare options in SE london. Childminders were always my first choice but unfortunately I didn't find one I gelled with BUT my friend has a brilliant childminder so there are plenty out there. Go to your local surestart centre, they will prob have a childminder drop-in sessions, befriend the local co-ordinator and tell her you are on the look out. QUite often, the good ones don't even advertise. If you are stuck, the surestart centre in Sherington road se7 has a childminder session, might be useful place to get contacts.

I have looked at every nursery in Greenwich, blackheath and Eltham. There are some good ones out there. I think the prospect of nursery with a little baby is quite daunting, so don't expect the selection process to feel easy. The one thing I have learnt is that the nurseries that are branded/designed to appeal to parents aren't always as good as they seem and actually the one I choose could be described as a bit rough around the edges. Outdoor space and time outside was a big factor for me. Generally I think the council funded nurseries are better (staff seems to be older and turnover lower) but there are long waiting lists so get out to see as many you can and if need be, be prepared to wait a bit (and be flexible) to hold out for the one you want. Nursery is a good solution but it's not by any means a panacea. Almost definately you will have a year of constant colds and other such lovely stuff as their immune system battles with the viruses but long-term (so I'm told) this is not such a bad thing. It can make it tricky with work though but if you have back-up it can still work.
Have you been in touch with CIS at Greenwich council. They'll email you a list of all ofsted registered nurseries in the borough.

Otherwise what about a nanny share? Try Gumtree?

Good luck..hope this helps.

Original poster
angel1976 · 07/09/2008 19:51

Hi all,

Thank you thank you thank you for all your thoughts! I am definitely going to take the full year off. In my mind, I knew I wanted to wait till DS was older and how he was developing (i.e. does he like crowds/strangers etc) before deciding on childcare but PILs threw us a curveball and I knew if I wanted to nip this in the bud, I need to do it sooner rather than later (MIL doesn't work now but I think she would love to get back to a PT job so don't want to hold her back in that instance). I wouldn't say anything definite for now but will definitely let them know we are looking at the CM/nursery options first so they know not to hold out hope!

I don't know what I was thinking about having DS away 3 nights a week. I guess in a way I keep thinking maybe family is better looking after your child than strangers. I honestly thought I was gonna get a lot of 'you should appreciate your ILs' type of posts so am glad that I am not being over-protective of DS. I do think that the main issue is that they want to look after him in their house so playing by their rules (FIL already said something about MIL having her own routine with DS!). I will definitely try all you are suggesting. Thank you sooooooo much. I appreciate all your thoughts.

Ax

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 08/09/2008 10:58

Only briefly scanned the post but if you plan to work 3 days in the office and one from home, dont you need 4 days childcare? I cant imagine your employer will be happy that you can actually do a full days work and look after a child.

Original poster
angel1976 · 08/09/2008 11:41

Hi HappyMummyOfOne, I already clarified in an earlier post that one of my local friends will probably have DS for one day as her son is pretty much the same age and she only works one day a week!

OP posts:
Sycamoretree · 08/09/2008 11:50

It'll break your heart if you sent you DC off to your IL's for half the week. Don't do it - it's not a solution unless you were absolutely desperate. That's not childcare, that's living with them. Good luck making such a difficult decision - if I were you and I could, I'd take the year...

elkiedee · 08/09/2008 12:16

I came back to work when ds was 10 months, but I can't imagine not seeing him each morning/evening. I'm worrying even about having no 2 in January when I'll be away from him overnight, perhaps several nights.

I think you should tell your PILs that you don't feel able to have ds stay aawy from you 3 nights a week, and also that you're looking at CMs and nurseries.

Original poster
angel1976 · 08/09/2008 21:44

You guys have completely given me a kick in the butt in looking for a nursery/CM! Wish me luck! I already discounted one nursery but have arranged to look at another 3 and just put together a 'CM Wanted' type of printout for all the mothers in my baby groups. :D

OP posts:
LittleMoosh · 09/09/2008 21:34

I'd personally say no to staying away from home. Also wouldn't go for a CM as you don't know what they get upto behind closed doors (could get stressed out and have no-one to help out)

I'd opt for nursery as there are enough staff to take the day to day pressure of looking after kids.

I have 2 DS's. Oldest 6 YO and youngest 20 months.

Oldest went to nursery 3 days a week before he started school. Now my youngest goes to the same nursery.

I've never had any problems, both my DS's settle in well and loved going.

As long as you find a good reputable place your DS will be fine.

Good for him to interact with other children too.

Good luck, whatever you choose x

VoluptuaGoodshag · 09/09/2008 21:37

Personally I don't think that your child being away from you three nights a week is good. It'll be hard for you and for your little one.

lulurose · 09/09/2008 21:38

If I could just about manage it I'd be a SAHM, second choice, a really good childminder through reccomendation, working PT.

Twiglett · 09/09/2008 21:42

absolutely not .. you cannot time-share your baby

Twiglett · 09/09/2008 21:42

absolutely not .. you cannot time-share your baby

and if you are planning on working at home one day you need childcare for that day too .. you can't do it with baby to look after too

Twiglett · 09/09/2008 21:42

absolutely not .. you cannot time-share your baby

and if you are planning on working at home one day you need childcare for that day too .. you can't do it with baby to look after too

MrsFluffleHasAWuffle · 09/09/2008 21:45

1girlie1boydy - any regular adult in a CM house has to be CRB, including children once they turn 16.

OP - no I wouldn't it's too long - I wouldn't like my inlaws being half responsible for bringing up my child - occasionally sure, but like this, no! Plus What would happen when child was of an age to go to Nursery school etc?

Gpo visit lots of CM and lots of nurseries, one will click for you, good luck!

MrsFluffleHasAWuffle · 09/09/2008 21:48

Littlemoosh - with all due respect.. "Also wouldn't go for a CM as you don't know what they get upto behind closed doors (could get stressed out and have no-one to help out)
"

Wtf? Please don't infer that CM are not to be trusted and cannot cope!! There are exceptions to the rule for sure, but equally the same with nurseries and also with parents!