Twig needs parenting help ... Would you ever tell a 4 year old NO when they say 'I want a hug"

[Twiglett]

when they've said it every 5 minutes or so for weeks

and you are sure its to do with manipulation rather than a look for affection (ie when you refuse to carry them they suddenly say I want a hug)

it is driving me doolally at the moment and I don't know how to deal (this doesn't happen to me often TBH)

it might be to do with DD being 9 months old, but tbh she never gets cuddled cos he's always in my face

it has been especially bad since saturday

Heyuklp

My ds1 (3.7) has started on this lately too, definitely attention seeking but I think also prompted by a book he had from the library lately, called funnilly enough, "Hug"! I tend not to give in but as he is the most "challenging" of my three, my patience with him is usually limited at the best of times.

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I know rickman.

Bloody hard isn't it?

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DOn't say that either, you are NOT crap at being a mum!!!!!!

I've only got 1 of 20m and she's found that guilt button already. She's sussed that if she says "duddle mama" she gets picked up. The first few times she said it I thought it was so cute and couldn't resist, but now of course she'll say it to get out of her pushchair or to be picked up so she's nearer the chocolate or biscuit or whatever. So I'm having to be hard faced mummy who says no sometimes.

We've just had an hour of hearing "mama dudddle, dada duddle" down the monitor. How on earth do they learn to sound so pathetic? Of course I leave it a bit, then think what if her head's stuck through the bars of the cot and I'm cold heartedly ignoring her (not that she can get her head through the cot but YKWIM), and go up. Then you have to decide is she teething or ill, so we get her up tonight and she runs round the bedroom laughing. AAAAHHH. Fast asleep now and I'm sure she'll have forgiven me in the morning.

Hi, twig. Haven't read the other replies and it's a loooong time since I was in this situation so I don't remember in detail, but I do know DD1 used to get desperately jealous at each new-and-interesting stage DD2 went through, but instead of demanding cuddles used to wet her pants. HTH !

Rickman .. I posted on this before

I have absolutely no recollection of that

Oh gawd am I caught in some kind of mind-warp?

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I believe you .. I just really don't remember doing it

overuse of mn I think

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Lottie says it all the time too, but for her sometimes it means, pick me up and take me over there, or take your hands out of that bowl of dough mum and pay some attention. Sometimes it just means i want a cuddle.

Anyway, sometimes I do have to say ' oh a cuddle, that would be nice, in a minute though babes, mummy is doing something at the moment isn't she'.

I totally agree with what you said rickman .. it makes me feel claustrophobic and rather than succumbing to 'oh my DS loves me' I just feel intensely irritated with him

(he does get lots of cuddles and 1 on 1 time I hasten to add as DD is a very easy baby)

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It's attention seeking isnt it? I guess it's more positive than trashing things or biting a sibling but it's still bloody annoying. Tbh, ds2 does it to me when I am ignoring him (I am not saying you are, btw) He will say "I want to sit on your knee!" in a whiney voice when I am on MN (irritating child).

I think I would make a joke of it and say, in a jolly voice, "another hug? Not yet! You'll be squashed with hugs/you'll be a hug monster..whatever. Why don't you...[trash the room/bite your sibling/delete as appropriate/instead?"

They gotta learn, haven't they Dh sometimes wants a hug too and I tell him to sod off, I'm busy.

Twig: absobloodylutely.

Although I am queen of "later"

It's a hard one, Twiglett, but I do it regularly! My ds aged 6 uses hugs as an avoidance tactic (he's being assessed for ADHD/ASH currently) and will try it on incessantly. I've had to be firm with him. We now have set times for regular hugs, eg first thing in the morning before I make breakfast, so he's secure in the knowledge that we have five mins of constant hugging then he's expected to let me get on with other things, otherwise we'd never get out of the door.

If I feel like I've 'deprived' him of hugs for too long, I'll tell him yes we can hug now but after that I must get on with ... whatever it is ..., then we'll hug again later Ok? At the worst times, when it's becoming REALLY irritating, I've actually told him "No, because I know you're doing this to avoid what you're meant to be doing. Do the thing and THEN I'll hug you". I always include lots of I Love You's so that he's getting affection in other ways, but I really can't be stopping every couple of minutes when I'm up to my elbows in pastry or whatever.

Karen
x

my boys regularly ask for hugs. I regularly give them but also regularly say 'later'.

Asking for a hug when you want them to walk - ahh yes, remember it well. I offered piggy backs instead.

I found giving them a special blanket to snuggle up in was a good hug substitute. Those fleece snuggle bags for kids look appealing, too. Perhaps you could buy something like that or a bean bag?

(Does that make me a bad mum!)