Twig needs parenting help ... Would you ever tell a 4 year old NO when they say 'I want a hug"

[Twiglett]

when they've said it every 5 minutes or so for weeks

and you are sure its to do with manipulation rather than a look for affection (ie when you refuse to carry them they suddenly say I want a hug)

it is driving me doolally at the moment and I don't know how to deal (this doesn't happen to me often TBH)

it might be to do with DD being 9 months old, but tbh she never gets cuddled cos he's always in my face

it has been especially bad since saturday

Heyuklp

I wouldn't ever say no - but I would do my best to distract them

If pushed I might say something like 'as you can see I'm busy at the moment and when I give you hugs I want to concentrate all my attention on you. If you wait for a few minutes till I'm finished then I will come and give you an enormous hug.

what? every 5 minutes? (not exaggerating with that .. it can be every 5 minutes for about 30 minutes)

I was going to post exactly what Soapbox has said: wouldn't say no as such, but might say "in a minute" or even "later"

have you tried doing it to him?

Well I think I'd use the distraction to try and increase the time between demands!

Have just noticed you are not feeling too well - in that case I'd probably tell them to bu**er off and leave me alone

Hmm tricky one. I do move away from ds1 sometimes when he gets too much (he kind of crawls and slithers all over me pushing his face into mine and kissing me). I get up and move and then go back for a cuddle maybe 5 mins later.

I haven't said 'no' yet .. but I'm getting bloody close

Snap. DS has done this pretty much every twenty minutes for the last two years and I do sometimes say no. I've seen people looking at me in horror when I do it but, in DS's case I am certain that a lot of the time it is more often to do with manipulation than a genuine need for affection. It drives me completely nuts because the way he demands his 'hug' can be really aggressive! We've got a little DD as well - so maybe there is an insecurity element.

I do notice it is worse when he is coming down with something (only realise that in retrospect of course and so feel PARTICULARLY like a bad mother if I have been refusing him...)

at the moment its fine .. he's gone to sit on the other couch, snuggled under a blanet and is annoying DD instead

My 4 yr old comes out with that one every time I'm busy with something that doesn't include him. If I know its just for attention I either just give him a very quick hug or tell him "later".

I have said "not right now" through gritted teeth when a telling off hasn't sunk in yet and I want him to know the error of his ways but I always give the hug in the end when we are both ready for it.

Agree about not bending to manipulation

Well DD doesn't do it to irritate and although I've never said "no" I have "not heard" her request or said something like "hug my leg". She doesn't seem scarred.

DS is saying 'I love you' every 5 mins - I think he's sort of 'discovered' it. It's more convenient than hugging - but sometimes I turn it into a different game - like I say 'I love your little nose' and he says 'I love your big nose'.
What if you said 'would you like a tickle?' or nibble or anyhting else that might break his pattern or habit?

I like the turning it on him idea and have just done it twice

then he did it 4 times to me in quick succession

it might work though

"when you refuse to carry them they suddenly say I want a hug" Ooooh yes, DS2 used to do this. I would tell him "no, you don't want a hug, you want me to pick you up." First time of asking I would kneel down to hug at his height and then I'd be a hard, evil mother.

again a good tactic Blu that I may also employ .. thanks

it is so good to know its not just me

I would say (and have said):

I love you very much, but I honestly cannot hug you every 5 minutes as much as I might like to, because I am very busy. Lets wait until after baby ds has gone to bed, and then we can have mummy and dd special time.

I love blu's suggestion too. Our ds's speciality after seeing Shrek 2 was to do the big Puss in Boots eyes whenever we asked him to do anything he didn't want to.
I would have no compunction in making a joke of it with him, "gosh, I just ran out of those", "but do you actually NEED one", etc.
The teeny-weeny voice in the back of my head saying "no, you actually want a thick ear, sonny" is never, ever acted upon.

Do you think he could be coming down with something and feeling grotty?

I've said no....a fair few times aswell.

I am a wicked evil mother, but they drive me mad!

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I tend to say "I will when you've done XYZ" (Whatever I want him to do at that precise moment.)

I find bribery a very useful tool in child rearing!

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Rickman.....I swear to god, it's like you've read my mind with your 3rd paragraph.