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Original poster

bonding, difficult q

18 replies

hatsoff · 17/02/2005 22:47

this might be controversial or too difficult to discuss but I wondered if anyone feels they have bonded with one child more than others. What can you do about it? DH clearly thinks I have. I am finding one dd very difficult at the moment...

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JoolsToo · 17/02/2005 22:48

do YOU think you have?

misdee · 17/02/2005 22:49

i bonded easier with dd2, but had a hard time with dd1 as had horrendous birth experience and then pnd. but we are all very close now.

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hatsoff · 17/02/2005 22:54

at the moment it does feel like the differences in immediate post birth bonding, which I thought I was over, are resurfacing. Not to say it directly feels like anything to do with that. the main thing really is that dd1 is me all over, I absolutely understand and empathise with virtually everything she does and says, even if it's annoying. It's just like looking at myself. dd2 is much more of a mystery to me

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polly28 · 17/02/2005 23:09

I agree it is a controversial issue and brave of you to admit it.I think if you realise there is a problem then you're halfway to sorting it.

I do relate to my dd better at the moment because she's older and not like me ,as my ds is a toddler with a temper like me so we clash.

How old are your kids?

Original poster

hatsoff · 17/02/2005 23:23

the age is the consolation - I think it has something to do with how I feel at the moment and I think I'll get over it. dd1 is 4, a wonderful conversationalist, and is naturally diposed to being good. dd2 is 2. and terrible . I'm sure we'll get through but I think I need to be more patient with dd2. I'm slightly in awe of her to be honest. If that doesn't sound too daft. She's the rebel I alawys tried to be

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Chandra · 17/02/2005 23:24

To be honest, it's not nice, it shouldn't be like that, it's horrible, but yes... I'm sure every mother deep in her heart has a favourite. The important thing is not to let any one know, specially your DDs, that there's a favourite either by your words or by your actions.

Children are very sensituve and won't fail to find it out which could be a bit traumatic for one daughter, and may cause some terrible problems between them. Somebody once told me that every mother loves each of her children in a diferent way but all as much as each other, which I believe is right (though I'm not quite sure I have managed to explain myself...). Anyways the important thing is that both of them feel equally loved and cared for regardless of you having a favourite. HTH

polly28 · 17/02/2005 23:45

oh god if dd2 is a toddler then I understand perfectly!

I'm sure you will feel differently when she matures into a reasonable person .My ds is two and I do wonder where he came from sometimes

JoolsToo · 17/02/2005 23:49

Chandra - you're SOOOOOOO wrong - you can dig as deep as you like into my heart - there are three perches and they're all on the same level.

hatsoff - just cos you respond differently to your dds personalities doesn't necessarily mean you've bonded any better with one than the other.

jennifersofia · 17/02/2005 23:57

It is hard, isn't it. I love both my girls, but find my eldest very hard work sometimes and she has qualities that I find difficult. Sometimes I feel relief to just be around my younger one because it is less complicated and emotional. My youngest I just feel like I can relate more to where she is coming from. I feel guilty about it, and worry that the girls will feel that there is a 'favourite'. - I work hard for it not to be that way, and sometimes worry that she will pick it up anyway because I am overcompensating! I wonder sometimes if it is because I had a v. difficult time after she was born, and that affected her / our relationship, but I think it is also just a personality thing.
It does stand to reason really - there are some personalities that we get along with better than others.
Thinking back to my own upbringing, I was aware that I got on better with my Dad, and my mum got on better with my brother, but I never felt unloved by my mum.
Sometimes I want to keep a diary of my feelings and thoughts about motherhood, including all those emotional rants that we go through, but have always been scared to because it might be hurtful to my girls if they read it later in life.
It is difficult too because there is a bit of a taboo to discussing it - I feel like it will be looked down upon to express things other than loving both your children equally and completely.

Chandra · 18/02/2005 01:00

Joolstoo I'm happy that you have find the balance. Of all the mothers I know, I can tell who is the favourite child for each of them, its not that one child is better than other, it's just that sometimes one is more "compatible" with mum. It's human nature I supose, but as I clearly specified in my post, it's horrible, shouldn't be like that but... it happens.

JoolsToo · 18/02/2005 09:15

Chandra - yes on reflection, I think you are right - it DOES happen - my MIL certainly had favourite grandchildren!

I suppose I AM lucky because it hasn't happened to me and I'm so glad about that!

Snugs · 18/02/2005 12:14

OK - I'll stick my hand up and admit that I have a very close bond with DS2 - instant, natural and amazing. But I really have to work at my relationship with DS1 and have had to do so since the moment he was born.

DS1 was a ventous delivery. I didn't get to hold him until he was 30 minutes old. He didn't feed for 15 hours (probably due to the pounding headache the ventous gave him). I suffered bad PND.

DS2 - relaxed labour, delivered onto by stomach, left there to find his own way up for a feed - which he did within a very short time. No PND.

Not the only reasons, but an idea as to how it started. Don't get me wrong, I love them both to pieces and would lay down my life for either of them in a millisecond. But I am not going to lie and say I don't have a favourite. Instead I just have to keep putting loads of effort into my relationship with DS1.

Sponge · 18/02/2005 12:22

I had a much harder time with the birth of ds than dd but I've still bonded with him more. I don't love him more - I adore her as well and really enjoy sometimes having time with her away from him - I just feel closer to him somehow and I'm more physical with him although I still kiss and hug her lots. I think it's inevitable really that your children are different people so you will have different relationships with them, and those relationships will change as they grow up, you have more children etc.

Gobbledigook · 18/02/2005 12:27

I definitely don't have a favourite out of my 3 boys but there are times you get on better with one more than the other and it usually depends on their behaviour. I had a phase at the end of last year where I found ds2 (2) very, very difficult and I was finding it hard to like him although of course I still loved him. Now he's communicating more it's getting easier and I've also starting sitting down and doing things with him more which means we have more smiley, laughing times.

I bet it's just that you are finding it hard to work out what makes dd2 tick, not that you love her any less at all.

I honestly don't know anyone who has a 'favourite child' - grandchildren maybe but definitely not children.

Pamina3 · 18/02/2005 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piffle · 18/02/2005 12:48

I've lost my intimate magical bond with ds, as I was a single mum we had an almost symbiotic relationship - not entirely healthy perhaps, but it suited us, we were so so close, when I met dh, things changed I got shared out more, ds was very good with all this, he was ready for a step dad it seemed, then dd came along and she is just amazing, I love her and feel about her, with the same magical bond I had with ds. So I cna only presume its transient in form - ds is now 11 and dd is 2, so there is a big gap
Also ds now smells like a bloke, his baby smell has gone entirely - which definitely changes the relationship, we are still close, but he's not all mine anymore...
I've bonded with both at birth though, perhaps even beforehand?

Original poster

hatsoff · 18/02/2005 14:38

I agree with what others say - that it's not a question of love, and I too would lay down my life for either of them. I do think it's true that it has a lot to do with personality (and, of course, ages and phases, behaviour etc) - which as they grow up becomes more apparent, and I guess too, it's a bit of a shock in a sense. As otehr people have said we all relate differently to other people, dependent on their personalities, so why shouldn't our relationships with our children be like that? It's kind of logical, but, for me, a bit of a shock - something I thought overpowering love would get over.

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Pamina3 · 18/02/2005 14:48

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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