Tormenting

[LindenAvery]

Just want others opinions on this please.

When one of your children torments the other and it results in the tormented lashing out at the tormentor do you discipline both or just the child who has lashed out?

I am just wondering what effect it has on the child who has lashed out if they see the other child is also told off for tormenting/teasing. Do they learn that the other child's behaviour is at fault and therefore takes some of the responsibility?

If other children are involved and your child is the tormentor do you explain about possible consequences to their tormenting such as being hit?

What do they take with them into adulthood? Does provocation ever justify or excuse assault?

Is teasing/tormenting wrong and how do you discipline it? I would always suggest anger and assault are wrong but personally I would not want my children to provoke someone to the point of attack.

Welcome to my world.

I have a tormenting hierarchy. Daughter (12) teases son (7) He then torments son (5).

I have neither the time nor the patience to referee every fracas that occurs in my home.

So I just threaten to bang all their bleedin heads together. Unfair? Yes. Better for my blood pressure? Definitely.

Tend to tell both tormentor and tormentee off but explain what each of them did that was wrong. If that doesn't get through I just do what maidamess said and 'threaten to bang all their bleedin heads together'. Have also recently implemented the 'if there's no blood I don't want to know rule' - again, for blood pressure reasons.

1. I discipline both. Unkindness is as unacceptable a behaviour as violence.

1. It's fine for the child who lashed out to see the other being disciplined for doing the wrong thing. One day the tables will be turned and they will be doing the tormenting - at least if my little charmers are anything to go by.

1. Yes, I explain that if they keep behaving like that then they are in danger of getting whacked - and I will be less sympathetic to their pain as they were partly responsible for it.

1. The way of the world is that provocation never excuses assult (thus the disciplining of the child who lashed out) but it does partly explain it - and the sooner they learn that the better. Unkindness has consequences. I also try to get the child who lashed out to tell me what they should have done if their sibling was being unkind - come to tell me, ignored it, asked them not to do it, etc. That way they will be learning other strategies than violence.

1. I discipline by warning the tormentor of a punishment if they are unkind again, and making both sides apologise to each other. If it happens again, I punish. I also separate and distract. And then I lose my rag and send them all to separate places in the house and come on mumsnet to cool down.

i end up shrieking
DD2 STOP HITTING
DD1 STOP WINDING HER UP
BOTH DDs BEHAVE NOW OR I WILL X, Y or Z!

Oh - good questions!

I shout at both and tell them to go away and sort it out themselves. I've started to take whatever they are arguing about away (this morning a particular spoon for eating breakfast with!!!) and putting it in the bin! House will be empty within a week.

Have a problem with ds1 and a friends son (both 3) he torments ds who lashes out as that is what he's like. friends son never ever gets told off and ds1 always gets told off by me even though I really want to get the other little ratbag! Have taken to avoiding meeting up.