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Parenting

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Original poster

Leaving an 11yr old home alone - opinions please

40 replies

unfitmother · 09/08/2008 16:54

Ds starts high school in Sept. He is often reluctant to leave the house if I have to nip to the shops etc. and can get very upset about it. Ds has Aspergers and is difficult to reason with!
I have been known to let him stay at home on his own for 20-30mins whilst I nip out, I have also let him walk back from the park, giving him my key.he enjoys the independance.
I was planning to get him his own key in Sept and let him let himself into the house after school, whilst at primary school I collected him from After-school club. I work 30 miles from home and finnish work at the same time he finishes school so was anticipating being not far behind him. In addition this wouldn't be everyday as Dh works from home a couple of days a week.
I was happy with this arrangement but, because of his disability, Ds qualifies for a taxi to school. I received a letter confirming this but it states that there must be a parent/guardian present when child returns.
I feel awful now, I didn't mean to live up to my name!
Am I doing the wrong thing?

OP posts:

mloo · 12/08/2008 20:39

Cupcake78 is right, from Social Services perspective the maturity of the individual child is irrelevant; they will issue an opinion without having even met your child (speaking from irate experience).
However (again speaking from experience), SS will only suggest the child not be left alone, it's not really a direct order you must do this or else, imperative.
No idea what OP should do, but Cupcake was right to mention the risk that SS will criticise if they find out.

PussinWellies · 12/08/2008 22:10

Ahem.

Mine is now 12 with AS (and a taxi) so we had what sounds like the identical leaflet all about driving him to the nearest SS department if no guardian was present to greet him.

I dutifully greeted him the first week or so. Then we got a bit slack, and some days we didn't slog up the road from the younger kids' school before he was home, so he'd wave gleefully as he sailed past in the cab, and we'd find him already in and playing Wii games.

Some days I now work longer than school hours, so he lets himself in, pootles around a bit, phones to say he's off to his friend's house (same street). I did arrange for another parent to meet and collect him for tea, but she forgot a couple of times, and he found the thought of that more stressful than just peacefully dossing and scoffing cornflakes till I got back.

I am amazed at the increase in his confidence and drop in his stress levels with this system. I thought it would all be a lot more difficult than this! I imagine the taxi rules are covering their backs so that if they abandon an immobile (or dangerously mobile) child on the doorstep, it's your fault, not theirs.

Original poster

unfitmother · 13/08/2008 20:01

PussinWellies thanks for that.
Dh and I chatted tonight, we are planning a re-scedule so that one or the other is there for the first few weeks then see how it goes (and how keen they are to actually see one of us).
I've been looking at jobs closer to home but am not going to do anything rash.

OP posts:

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PussinWellies · 14/08/2008 12:49

That sounds good. It's so hard to know how they will cope with secondary before it starts.

I wouldn't change jobs just yet if you can help it... Although the taxi worked out just fine, DS had a recurrence of OCD and non-eating to cope with and ended up with emergency psychiatric appointments for weeks -- not something I'd fancy explaining to a new employer.

jellybeans · 14/08/2008 12:52

I think it is too young. 13 and up is better.

Sawyer64 · 14/08/2008 13:04

Is there no after school clubs or homework clubs?

Does he have to use the Taxi? Surely he would like it better and make more friends if he could walk home?
You mentioned the school bus,so I guess the distance is too far to walk.

Is there no-one else at the school with similar problems,who needs a Taxi,Could they share,and you could maybe pick your DS up from the other persons house?

My DS is 12 now,but since he started at Senior School,he has had his own key,and occasionally is "home alone" for an hour or so.Regardless of the AS,you know your own DS and his capabilities.

smartiejake · 14/08/2008 14:08

I know lots of people who have left their children unsupervised before the age of 13 and I have never once heard of anyone being contacted by social services.

My DD (12) has been letting herself in from school since the beginning of year 7 on the 2 days a week I work and has been left for about 90 mins.

SHe goes to an independent school so her hols are longer than mine and there have been odd days where she has been left at home but with arrangements made to see friends and relatives so she has not been on her own.

DD2 is nearly 10 and I will leave her for half an hour or so.

They are both very sensible and will not answer the door or the phone (as I found to my cost one day when I had forgotten my key!)

I do think it depends on the child.

YoungYolandaYorgensen · 14/08/2008 15:24

whatdayisit my Mum used to keep the spare key in an Utterly Butterly carton!
I let ds1(12) walk home from school 2 days a week when I'm working. I do keep phoning him in the afternoon though. So far, he has never lost the key.

Original poster

unfitmother · 14/08/2008 19:14

I wish he could walk. There are 2 good schools within walking distance.
His school is on the other side of town but has an Autism Support Base, that's why he's going.
He qualifies for a free taxi on account of his AS.

OP posts:

Sawyer64 · 14/08/2008 20:21

DS and DD went to same Infant school!

smartiejake · 14/08/2008 21:02

Hi sawer how is C doing?

Sawyer64 · 14/08/2008 21:41

Doing well thanks sj.Presently in The I-O-M visiting his Dad. How's E?

smartiejake · 14/08/2008 21:47

Fine but been diagnosed with fybromyalgia (achy joints thing)but much better now on the medication.

Sawyer64 · 14/08/2008 21:53

Its funny, I used to watch your 2 DD's together,they seemed quite close then,and here I am now with 2 DD's at similar ages to your's then.Weird at my age,but loving every minute! I think C loves being a Big Brother too!

nooka · 14/08/2008 21:56

I came home from school (which was an unreliable bus and quite decent walk) in primary school, and my children's school says that they can go home unescorted from 10, so I am sure you wouldn't get in any trouble for this. I think it's all about contingency plans, so that your child knows what to do in case of trouble, which neighbours are on call and where to go if for any reason he feels scared. So long as you work something out re the Taxi and you are sure he wouldn't do anything daft I can't see any problems with your arrangements. So long as you can be flexible for those first few weeks whilst he settles down (I know the primary - secondary transition can be hard for kids with AS) then I can't see anything wrong with giving it a go. Is the best friend's mother likely to be around at drop off time? Would an option be to drop off at her house?

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