How do you accept that you have had your last baby?

[cleversprout]

I have a lovely husband and 3 healthy dc aged 7, 5 and 2. There is not a part of dh that wants another. But I would love to do it all again and am finding it hard to accept that this stage of my life is over. dh says I just love babies (of course I do!) and that I will always want another no matter how many I have. My 3 were all born by c-section which obviously affects the situation. There is no convincing him and lately he has started getting really annoyed and saying that I am pressuring him unfairly.

dh earns good money and I do not need to work. We live abraod due to dh's job. If we were in UK I would probably go back to work now and try to move on but because of where we are that is not possible. I feel he is being a bit unfair since it is because of his work that I cannot go back to work. I am trying to accept that I need to move on but I don't know what I am moving on to. My youngest is about to start playgroup - I know I should be pleased to have more time but I just feel sad that she is growing up so fast.

Part of me thinks, get a grip, you're lucky to have 3 dc. But then I see a little baby and...oh dear....

Has anyone else had this? How did you get over it?

As soon as i had ds, i just thought "thats it. Im done. 2 is enough."

Never felt broody since, and dont particularly like babies anyway!

Thanks so much for all your replies. It's good to know lots of people feel this way. Everyone I talk to about this seems to be happy to be "done", usually after 2. I hoped I would feel like that after dc3 but I just didn't. Every moment with her as a baby felt bittersweet, and I was always thinking how I would never have that particular stage again.

On a rational level I know there are great things about having only older kids. Life is easier already. I can go to soft play and have a coffee - I don't have to walk behind anyone anymore. But I know that if I got pregnant by accident I would be happy. I am taking the mini pill as the combined pill made me depressed. I know it has lower reliability and while I would not deliberately deceive dh you only have 3 hours to take it if you forget!

I have said to dh that if he agrees to another I will be sterilised at the same time as the c-section. They offered this for dc3's section but instinctively I refused.

I know I could make a huge effort to go down the work route but my heart is just not in it, maybe because I don't HAVE to. I'm just not ready to stop walking down the nappy aisle of the supermarket yet!

Just had a thought - I seem to know several families who have 2 teenagers and 1 toddler. They got their bonus baby around their 40th birthday. I wonder if subconsciously they wanted to squeeze in another one before it was too late? I can imagine feeling like that. People usually think it would be a nightmare going back to a little one after all that time, but I think it would be lovely!

I agree my DH keeps harping on about getting our lives back and i'm like, what was so great about your life before we had the kids, all he did was play on the Play station and get pissed, so what's changed

I have 2 ds's (6 and 3) and would dearly love another. However I was ill after the 1st and ended up in intensive care after 2nd so I know the same would probably happen again. I want to be there for the children I have, but there will always be a gap in my heart for no 3 who will never be

i have ds 5y and dd 2y and i am not (NOT! definitely not) going to have any more.

however... i do have two really cool baby names that i am kind of saving just in case. i'm 28, so in theory we could wait another 8 or 10 years... but no no no.... it is difficult to be so final about it.

actually i feel really liberated that the baby stage is over. it was difficult! phew! i'm much more into museums, playgrounds, friends for tea. i hope everything works out for you cleversprout. let go of the nappy aisle.

cleversprout - I know a few families who did exactly that. Without exception, they found the first year or so lovely - lots of attention,older kids enthusiastic about the new baby etc. A few years down the line it's a different story. Many of them find it really hard to do family activities because of the huge age gap (and I dont mean just holidays but also days out, Christmas etc - the kids are just at SUCH different stages). Also the teenagers can soon go off the idea of having a toddler round the house when it means screaming, mess, toys around, not being able to have their friends around and staying up late etc. Most of the teenagers I know in this situation resolutely refuse to do any babysitting too!
That sounds like I'm painting a negative picture, and I'm sure there are some families where they have a bonus baby and everyone's happy, but I just know from what I see around me that it isnt always like that. If you really want another baby, I would go for it sooner rather than later, so that your children grow up together and you can move through each phase as a family.

Thanks again everyone.

findtheriver, ideally I would have another one soon as I think it's easier for the family over all. But if it's later, that's also ok for me. dh is adamant he doesn't want either scenario, that's the problem.

indiemummy, I wish I did feel liberated. I can totally see how it's easier with older ones (ok, different problems but not so intense) but I still long for another child anyway. How do I let go of the nappy aisle as you put it? (dc3 still in nappies but today pooed in toilet so maybe not for much longer....)

I think a big part of it may be not having anything to move onto for myself. The only thing I have come up with with is maybe fostering children in the future. But am v naive about this so would need to look into it carefully first.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, cleversprout, about you needing something to move onto for YOU. 3 young children can be all-consuming, and I should think you've been so wrapped up with this that you can't see beyond the baby/toddler years right now. But honestly, life DOES move on from that! I was never a SAHM for very long, so I suppose having a career kind of helped stave off that feeling of 'do I really want another?'We had our 3 fairly close together and then I just stepped my career up a gear when I knew our family was complete. It sounds like a really meaty project or voluntary work is the answer if you dont feel ready for paid employment yet. If you are thinking around the fostering idea, is this something you could investigate? Or maybe do some voluntary work with disadvantaged youngsters etc? That would give you a new focus.

Findtheriver, I think if I had been in UK I would have gone back to work by now and things would possibly have followed on from there. But I was never all that into my work, happy to stop when I had dd1, so maybe it would be good to do something different now. I'm just amazed at how short this phase of life is and how quickly I'm at this point! It's been great. I was so happy at home with the dc - never thought about doing anything else. Logically I know this can't go on and it's good for me to have something different to get my head around. But not yet please!

Fostering would certainly be a challenge - will think more about that.

Cleversprot are you still about? I am right there with you. I completely understand everything you are saying.

Our situation is I ache for another I did convince dh to have another (we used silly techniques to try for a girl after 3 boys) even though I knew his heart was not in it, but it put us under so much pressure that it took a year to concieve and then I misscarried after a few weeks. After that dh really tried to avoid the whole thing and finnaly brought it to a head by saying we should stop and look at adoption. The adoption agecies do not ring us back (I think because ds3 in only 3). We have now put in the initial application for fostering.

I change my mind every week as to what we should do long term. Some days I am baby consumed and know I have to have another, some days I am logical and tell my self this feeling will never go no matter how many I have so we should just stop, some days I enjoy that the boys are geting older and all that brings, some days I want to adopt, some days I need to carry my own, etc, etc.

So for now I will wait it out and see what happens. You do need to start spending time to get you back - it does help. Ds3 started 5 pre-school sessions in Sep and straight away I started exercise (something that has been on hold for years!!) and I do feel so much better and can see life after babies. I can also think more logically (instead of spending time drooling over the latest pushchairs - oh how I love them!!!) I think about how I can satisfy my longing for raising children but without having a mansion! I think that for me fostering might do that, I feel part of the need for more and more children is about experiencing the different personalities each child brings and with fostering you get that with out the need for the mansion.

How are you doing? Have you found anything that helps? Did you look into fostering? I am also on a childminding course, can you do that where you are?

Forgott to say it does not stop the off hand 'we don't have to wory about that (baby stuff)any more' comments from dh hurting like hell!! I just squeak please don't say it like that and breath deeply

Luck forward to hearing from you.

I had 3 DCS but always knew I wanted 4.DH not keen,but not so anti that he had a vasectomy or anything.When I was in my late 30's I suddenly thought'now or never' and got careless with contraception,yes,I know it wasn't fair on DH,but t he need was almost overwelming.plus deep down I knew he didn't really mind,money ws not an issue,nor was space.
I got pregnant straight away,but had a difficult pregnancy and a terrible,life threatening birth.Thankfully DD was perfect,and she has totally completed our family.
I do honestly thingk that you know when you are'finished' ifyswim,and I don't blame you at all.
Good luck!

Hi carrieboo and silent terror. Yes, am sort of still about - was in UK for summer so posting a lot. Now back in depths of africa with severely dodgy internet connection.

Any developments carrieboo?

Have been thinking about this a lot since I first posted. Basically I have come to the conclusion that dh is not going to change his mind. But I am still hoping. I have decided if it is meant to be then it will happen. Logically I see dh's reasoning. We lead a very busy and complicated life with lots of travel so I am really there to support him in his work and look after the kids, all of which makes having my own career difficult. But these things are not insurmountable and I know we would manage if I did get pregnant.

Watch this space!

We are now fostering . We have a 17 year old at the moment so it isn't filling the gap for another child as such but it is enjoyable all the same and maybe one day we will get a little one! Urge to have my own still pops up but is much less than it was.

How are you doing?

Wow, I had no idea that so many women feel this deep need for larger families, but don't have them for whatever reason, DH's wishes included.

I always wanted two, had two and one of my first thoughts after DD2 was born was "thank FUCK I never have to do that again!".

But then, as much as I love my DDs, I'm not keen on babies and we all get so much better now they're older.

I hope it stops. I am ok right now but as soon as the baby gets to one i start hankering after another.

I stood next to a lovely lady in a supermarket once, she was cooing over my 1 year old and looking envious at my then HUGE bump. She sadi she was still broody. She was 96!!!

We are all doooooooooooomed

It was easy in my case-I was just so grateful to have managed the last 2 , before I was too old. I can hold people's babies now , without feeling in the least broody.

I'm with you, Annie. You are not alone.

I was positively gleeful when we got rid of the moses basket etc etc!!