Crap afternoon. Crap parenting. How could I have handled this differently??

[gameboy]

Was DS2's birthday today. He had his party last week. He had his presents this morning, and we had a little family birthday 'coffee party' this morning with cake etc.

I had already told him that this afternoon (c. 3.30 pm) we were going to some friends house for a BBQ.

7 kids at the BBQ: 4 boys, and 3 girls (all younger than boys). DS2 was youngest boy by about 6 months.

Kids split into boys/ girls to go off and play. Boys playing cricket with Dads. DS2 wouldn't join in. After being there about 1/2 an hour he came up to me and said very loudly in front of the hostess, "I want to go home". I muttered not to be so rude and sent him off to play on a swing.
He then proceeded to complain ALL afternoon - about the BBQ food; about sittign outside; about various of the children who he said weren't sharing/ or had bumped into him etc etc (all fairly spurious complaints IMHO).
I got more and more exasperated with him.

After tea he was in the playroom with the other boys - they were playing on the PS2. He wouldn't join in, but just kept annoying them instead - being silly in front of the screen, wrestling them, making silly noises - all stupid attention-seeking stuff. DS1 kept coming to complain to me, and I kept having to tell DS2 to stop it (which he didn't)or remove him.

Finally he obviously bugged DS1 too much and they were having a shouting match and pushing each other around, so I just decided I'd had enough, so I apologised to the hostess and others and left.

I was FURIOUS with them both, but especially DS2 and shouted and shouted at them about how embarrassed I was with their behaviour; how I was sick and tired of DS2 acting like a baby; how ungrateful DS2 was after all the effort into his birthday; how they had ruined mine and DH's afternoon....and so on...

I am so frustrated and embarrassed. And this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. I look at other people's children playing nicely and wonder where I've gone wrong .

Do yours do this? What would you have done?

He'll get over it. You haven't done anything wrong, you thought he would enjoy it. Was beginning to think it was only my kids that play up. I've learned that you can never second-guess how they will behave/like things. Don't worry about it.

I think perhaps it was just all a bt much for him? no?

ungrateful? no, he was just excited and overwhelmed and wanted to go and spend his money (which I can totally understand because I am the same even now lol)

spoilt? well, only you can answer that

I have been there. You have my sympathy. ds was awful the whole week of his birthday and party. He got up at 5.30am every morning for a week and seemed so wound up that he couldn't enjoy anything. I am re-thinking the big party for next year and will go for something much smaller. Sometimes I think they just can't cope with all the excitement and take it out on you. I remember spending most of one of my parties in my room because I had acted so horribly.

Probably right though - probably over-tired.

KTNoo - oh yes - DS2 has been just like this too this week, and it's just so.... wearing!

Probably doesn't help that we're trying to pack to go on holiday on Tuesday too, so DH & I are a bit stressed/ less tolerant.

thisisyesterday said exactly what I was thinking.
I think on birthdays and at christmas we expect oo much of them and we don't realise how overwhelmng and exciting it can be for them. I can totally see why you thought the barbecue would be a good way to spend the afternoon but I walso know from experience of dd that I probably wouldn't have gone on her birthday because she does find it all far too exciting and a bit much really.

I don't think you are a crap parent or have done anything worng at all apart from maybe underestimating how much it can be for what is still a small child on their birthday.

a child's birthday should be all about them

sad for him that he was expected to tag along to see your friends and expected to just shut up and behave on his own birthday

No Pinktulips, the OP has said she thought this would actually be a fun thing to do, an added bonus on his birthday. My dc would love to see friends on their birthday rather than spend it with just us ! Mine would also be excited about seeing children of friends of ours, even if they didn't know them, people to play with is fun isn't it?

Sounds like he was tired. Perhaps when he first started complaining at the party you might have had him lie in your lap for a little while or found a place where he could sit and watch tv. In my experience telling a tired, unhappy 6 year old to "go off in play" is seldom effective. Much better to either find something specific for them to do and get them started on it. Also sending a tired, cranky child to play with other children is usually a recipe for disaster.
If you had been at home, I would have sent him to his room for a rest, but since you were at someone else's house and you clearly wanted to stay yourself, the easiest (and most effective) thing to do would have been to plop him in front of the tv.
I'm sure he's been sensing the tension in the house and that has affected his behavior too.

He's 6 - of course he's an ungrateful spoiled brat. That's what 6 year old boys are like!

I would have gone to the BBQ but taken along new DS games or whatever it was ds2 (6) had got for his birthday and plugged him into the nearest socket and left him playing his DS.

yes but when he expressed unhappiness at being there she just 'muttered not to be so rude and sent him off to play on a swing.'

surely some concesions should be made on the child's birthday?

as others have said he was clearly overtired and bored and was being ignored by everyone on what should have been his special day.

if it had been my child i would have taken them aside for a cuddle and promised to leave within half an hour if they still weren't having fun, then found something for them to do, even if it meant me having to spend an hour playing with them to keep them happy.

kids are allowed to be whingy and spoiled on their birthdays, it's the only day of the year they get away with it

it'slike chirstmas isnt it?
they get over excited and then disappointed.shame, make it up tomorrow.

Was any fuss made of him at the barbeque for his birthday? Or did you expect him to forget it was his birthday while you were there? Did he perhaps expect (in his little 6 year old mind) that as it was his birthday and you were all going out, that it might be some kind of fuss and presents type place for him - after all thats what happened last week at his 'official' party.

If this had been us, I'd have taken the birthday cake to the barbeque and had everyone singing happy birthday to him, so he gets the fuss on his birthday that he expected.

I'm a bit suprised at how much emphasis people seem to put on birthdays, saying kids are allowed to be whingey, that their birthdays are all about them, that parents should decline an invitation to an event (when said dc has already had a party plus a small party with gps) etc. if you build birthdays up like that then imho, there's a danger of setting yourself up for a fall. if kids expect the day to be all about them, and then it's not, then they won;t be happy. if they expect it to be all about them and it is then I, personally, have future visions of birthday-zilla-ness. I don't think there was anything unreasonable in gameboy's birthday-related plans at all. all of dds' birthdays have comprised a party not on the day, presents on the morning of the day and a token "cake" with a candle at tea time (often it's been a bun each, once it was a pancake because I had forgotten...)I think gameboy's boy had plenty of fuss made for him connected to his birthday.

what went wrong, I'm not sure. Possibly tiredness, possibly mis-managing expectations, possibly too much wanting him to play while GB spoke to the adults (and anyone who claims never to have been guilty of that is either a saint or a liar). Possibly not dealing too well with the (unacceptable even on your birthday) "I want to go home" and constant complaints thing...impossible to say really. GB - I really wouldn;t worry now - it's over. maybe explain to him calmly tomorrow how constant complaining is not on when you're at someone else's house, try to help him see how lucky he is (again, calmly) with his party and presents, and maybe apologise for shouting. Think about the whole managing expectations thing for next time. your ds isn't awful. and you're not rubbish. sometimes we don;t get it quite right, and sometimes we end up feeling taken for granted. chalk it up to experience and learn from it.

hatwoman, i look at it coming from the perspective of parents who often could barely afford presents and stuff for birthdays (dd's birthday is right after xmas and for her first 2 we were badly in debt and couldn't get her more than a tiny token gift) so how we treated the child on the day meant an awful lot.

even now we don't go overboard on gifts but we do make a huge fuss of the dc's on their birthdays..... it's their day and they get to go where they choose (farking toyshop to spend nana's money and farking softplay for both birthdays this year!) and stuff themselves with sweets and cake and go to bed late.

obviously major bad behaviour is unacceptable but tbh they're usually too busy and excited to do too much wrong (although i did have to do some heavy breathing excercises last week when ds managed to smash my only mixing bowl when i was letting them eat cake mix as a birthday treat)

going to the bbq wasn't necessarily a bad thing but not bothering to listen when he was letting her know he was unhappy was a bit unfair considering the day that was in it.

and yes we've all done the 'shhh, mommy's trying to talk to X' but never on my child's birthday!

Gameboy, you have my every sympathy. Many's the time I've come away from an unsucessful attempt to socialise with DSs in tow feeling close to despair and resisting the urge to throttle them!

But what I've been learning recently is to separate out my feelings from what I expect of the children. And I've realised that such feelings of frustration are nearly always about me and not about them, eg: 'grrr. how dare you make me look so rubbish in front of so and so. they will be thinking I'm an utterly crap parent now. all I wanted was to have a nice time with my friends and you won't let me. it's not fair, I should be allowed a social live, I deserve it, etc etc.'

If I address this separately from the children I can realise that my feelings are maybe coming from a place that's outside of the here and now and even come up with solutions too: maybe I need to connect with friends in a childless setting from time to time, maybe I'm overtired and need to cut back on how much I'm doing for them... they'd rather I was calm than bree vanderkamp... it's not their job to make me look good.. etc.

Then what's left is what was really going on for DS at the time -- (in my cases not yours, you can substitute your own ideas) he was feeling overwhelmed with other children and needed my attention, he was tired and somehow his needs were not being met, he needed love and reassurance.

So, as other posters have said, I guess in your case I'd have (having taken the time to calm myself down and wait for my anger to pass) given him lots of cuddles, as long as he needed, explain to him that I didn't want to go home yet but we can if the afternoon really doesn't improve for him, when he's had enough of sitting quietly with me see what he fanices doing next, take on board his gripes about the food etc. but explain calmly to him about how we try not to hurt people's feelings. Then see where the afternoon takes me.

This is what I aim for nowadays. and there are days when I get it spectacularly wrong. Forgiving myself is something I'm also learning how to do!

Hope this helps.

PS: You're not a crap parent. You're just doing the very best you can with the knowledge and emotional resources you have at the time.