It seems I am not going to have any more children so...better get used to having an only child, tips please

[Pruners]

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Just wanted to tell you not to worry.
I was an only child and adored having my Mum's undivided attention and love.
It didn't make me precious - fat chance as we lived on one of the roughest etates in Yorkshire.
I wasn't lonely - I had lots of mates and a big extended family.
I did spend a lot of time 'imagining' things however and now I'm an author.
Would that have happened if I'd have had to share a room with a PITA younger sister?
Allow yourself time to grieve for what could have been and then remind yourself what a lovely family you do have.
And anyone who mocks you behind your back is not worthy of your time, attention or tickets to Alton Towers.

Sorry for you Pruners, but your DS will be fine .

One of our closest friends is an only DS and he is a funny, articulate, outgoing man.

No reason, just because he's an only child, why your DS shouldn't be either.

just...be normal.

Being 'an only' is not a curse. I'm an only, my Mum is an only, my dd is an only. And we're all normal! my parents didn't do anything different with me than other parents with larger families- we went places, did stuff, and all got (and still get!) on well.

Dd is well adjusted, makes friends well, is good at sharing (if I say so myself )

Pruni - don't worry abut yoyr DS - he will be fine fine fine. What you need to do fo now is look after you. This is about YOU as a Mum, not about your Ds as an only or a sibling. Children with no siblings grow up happy, children wih heaps of siblings grow up happy. Mums and dads who don't feel they have done all the mummying and daddying they would like to do might take a while, and have to try several tacks, before they can feel ok about that.

I'm very sorry you feel so fragile at the moment, and that you are not where you wnat to be.

But try not to project it onto your DS. Of course you don't say 'sorry' - you say 'this is our family you, me, and daddy'.

he needs to know that he is enough...that you are not destroyed because another child was needed. That will be very very hard for you at the momen, but you don't need to be doing much that is pro-active - just don't apologise or make it seem to him that the family has a missing place fo a child, that can't be filled by him - iyswim.

But you know - he will be fine. I know that , I am the mother of a content 7 year-old 'enfant unique'. Spend some time on you.

And no - one is going to mock you - that's no what that was about.

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread but after 2 years and 2 miscarriages I have started to consider that ds will be an only. I have not quite let myself let go of "it still might happen" but am almost there. I am not a very good mum and not at all the mum I wanted to be but I still would have liked to have 2. I will do my best with one just as I would have done my best with 2 and that is all you can do at the end of the day. My parenting taken out of it I do think there are some benefits that ds has had that he wouldn't have if we had successfully had a second child and I try to focus on these benefits.

All families are different Pruners. Some are bigger and some are smaller. That's all ds really needs to know.

There are good and bad things in every family set up. I have a very good friend who was an only and she is much closer to her parents than i am and always was.

Not very good at this but hope you are ok and thinking of you xx

Why are you so upset that DS will be an only? Are you upset for him that he won't have a sibling or upset for you that you won't have the chance for a second?

DD will probably never have a sibling and it would never occur to me to feel bad for her, on the contrary she gets load of my attention, no limit on after-school activities because I don't need to juggle siblings and life for her is pretty peachy.

I'm sad for ME, I'd love another, but look on the positive - DD and booked a holiday to Fiji with 3 days notice and just jetted off together a few weeks ago. She breaks up two weeks early at Christmas - all the girls at her school with brothers have to wait for them to break up too, but DD and I will be heading back to the UK early on cheap flights. Having just one is fun and easy. Please don't be upset.

this is the thread I started ages ago about the excellent features of having one child!

I have 1 dd, now 8 years old. I never thought she would be an only child but that's how things have worked out for many and complex reasons. My dd has particularly good social skills according to her school, and always has had. Only children lacking social skills is a myth. She is happy as a lark and popular with both adults & kids.

Often I love being her mum so much that I wonder about other kids I might have had, would that be even better?...but in reality, if I had more kids it would change things, I would have less time, attention, energy & money for my dd. And I would quite likely be constantly mediating inter sibling rivalry and disputes. Could it really be better than here and now? I guess I will never know. But right here and now I have some fab things that parents of more kids don't have - and it's great!

The thread I linked to has reams of reasons why one child is a great number to have. Nobody has ever mocked me for having an only child. DD has never wanted a sibling. One child is much more common now and there are several only children in her class. None of these children has behavioural problems btw; the children in my dd's class who do all have siblings!

It is difficult when your ideas of your planned future have to change...but the reality of being the parent of one is FABULOUS - see if my thread can persuade you!

My first ds was 11 before I had anymore children. He is very close to his cousins. He is almost seventeen now and I have another three little ones. I was such a different kind of mum to ds1, I had loads of energy and time for him, read loads of stories, took him everywhere. It was a lovely time.
Now I think that with my other three, they only get a tiny fraction of the attention ds1 got. Their compensation is each other.

I would have been very sad to not have any more children so know how you must feel but hopefully you will come to terms with it and not look back.

My ds1 has never been abroad and if I hadn't had more children I would have taken him and I would have helped him get through his exams instead of leaving him to it. I would have taken him to music lessons and swimming/watersports/outdoor things instead of allowing him to become addicted to computer games....the list goes on!

And I did mean to say that this couple are both onlies - one actually, and one effectively as he was adopted by one part of the family and his brother by another, so don't have a brotherly relationship at all. Both very well adjusted, nice people.

(the name is from Terry Pratchett btw - theres a character who is a wide boy trader type, and in any negotiations he says 'and thats cutting my own throat', so is known as 'cut me own throat Dibbler'. all the other names I wanted had gone when I joined Mnet)

I am an only child too and never really felt that I missed out. I have lots of friends now, alot more than others I know and I believe this is because I had to gain the abiltity to make friends and keep them from a very young age, if we went on holiday for example I had to make friends otherwise I wouldn't have had any children to play with. People with siblings would not necessarily feel the need to do that and I think it is a valuable life skill to have. When we went on days out an things my parents often took one of my friends as well but this worked both ways as there was only one of me I was invited and went on holiday with two separate friends and their families too. Once to Florida and once to Corfu so it definately isn't all bad.

I wasn't spoiled often getting second hand things and my parents taught me the value of money. I think this is impoortant for an only as alot of parents compensate for the lack of siblings with material things. As for board games my mum and dad played them with me and these are some of my most treasured memories of them. I also had a brilliant imagination due to playing made up games on my own.

You also learn to enoy your own company, I quite like being alone as much as I like being with people. I gained a self reliance which was invaluable as sadly my parents had both died by the time I was 22. I can honestly say this was the only time I wished i'd had a sibling to go through the grief with but saying that I have really good friends and a best friend that may as well be my sister.

I also didn't have to fight for the bathroom as a teenager which was a godsend.

Oh Pruners I am sorry you are feeling so fragile about it all. My DS will be 7 next week and will be an only. I am sad about it but less now than I was a few years ago.

DS talk about us having a baby brother or sister and has even picked a name for any potential brother! He has asked why I am not having another baby and I have just said that I don't know and sometimes it just happens that way. Please don't feel guilty and that you have to apologise to your DS - I would just say that you would love another child too but that unfortunately it doesn't always happen and that you are so happy to have him.

I still think about trying IVF again but keep putting it off - I think there is a sub concious reason there. Going through it here in Budapest 18 months ago was a bit brutal and I can't face it again. We thought about adopting but it would be a nightmare trying to get approved here.

My DH is an only so he has less hang ups about it all than I do - he is also adopted.

I was an only for 5 years and I still moan to my parents that I was perfectly happy that way and why did they have to spoil things! My sisters retort that they are 38 and 39 now and I really should get over it!

It is sad and it is hard to come to terms with the fact that you don't have the family you envisaged in your dreams. But there are bonuses - I haven't been able to read the thread about the bonuses yet either though!

I'm also an only child, and dd is likely to be an only for various reasons. She went to nursery and is now at school, and has never yet had problems socially. We don't live near any relatives, but we have close friends with kids and get together with them often.
dd is in many ways like I was as a child - she doesn't mind her own company, has a great imagination and can make up her own games. She does have quite a few toys but plays with them all!
My being an only child wasn't my mum's choice, but I don't feel I missed out. I always made friends on holiday too like Ledodgy has said! My parents weren't well off for many years so I was never spoiled.

I was one of three, and for the first 12 years of my life, lived in out of the way places and only ever really saw non-sibling kids out of school.

As a result, all of us had various social issues when we were growing up - my elder sister (along with mental health issues that probably impact on this) was stoicly seperate, always claiming she didn't need other people and doing things like getting into fights over tiny insults to her younger siblings.
I was always painfully shy but excessively loud to mask it, and had trouble making good friends and approaching new people.
My brother is a sheep and will still do anything to fit in with his mates.

I know lots of families are not like this but its easy to think that siblings will be company enough for each other when its often not the case. You know you will make the effort to let your DC spend time with other kids their age and they will appreciate it!

that should have been in school

Pruners, I am not qualified to give you any advice as my ds is younger than yours - but dp and I have talked at length about this as it is fairly likely ds will be an only. Agree with being matter of fact with ds about it, along the lines of every family set-up being different, with advantages and disadvantages to all of them.

Am in same position, no 2 never going to happen (let alone the 3rd I'd always imagined). I am trying to get used to the three of us being a 'family', I always imagined a family to be bigger. Dd would love a sibling too. We only got told 4 weeks ago that no 2 wouldn't ever happen and I am still working on my own head.

But when I think logically, I know that I never thought me and dh would be married, that I would be livign where we do, that I would be doing the job I have... I know have to appreciate the life I am living and stop comparing it to the one I had in my head before.

{{{HUGS}}} I am by force of circumstances in this position, and it's still early days for me. I can't have any more children naturally and other routes are out of the question financially. And so it is me, DH and DS.

I am, however, an only child and for as long as I can remember have said I'd have more than one child. Sadly, that can't now be, but at the same time I can't project my own 'only child issues' on our son; I am absolutely sure he will be fine in life, and if he does hit stumbling blocks... well, we're here to help him work his way through.

I just console myself with the thought that we tried, we really did

It is a type of grief, I try not to consciously think about it because it does really make me want to wail and stamp my feet, but this is how it is and we're lucky to have DS, very very lucky.

One day at a time, eh?

I decided when I had ds after years of ttc and eventually IUI that although I'd have loved him to have a sibling I wouldn't put myself back in the situation where I was yearning for something I may never get.
It's hard sometimes, especially as all his cousins live abroad and my friends children are all at least 10 years older.
At the moment my brother is over from Spain with his dc and when I see ds so happy to see them I wish for him and us that he had a sibling, but I think back to the time before he came along and think I've got more than I ever dreamed I would.
I also take him to lots of playgroups, swimming lessons etc. and encourage him to feel close to his cousins even though they are far away.
Btw my dh is an only child and doesn't see the problem with it at all.

I'm an only child and until I was 12 or so loved it - all my friends had younger siblings who were simply young and annoying. After that I often wished I did have a sibling, but that was a lot more to do with my parents being who they were than being an only.

My parents just don't need much social interaction, and didn't feel the need to communicate with me much either (eg casually mentioning we were going to move abroad in a month's time!) So I often felt outnumbered by them in any argument. And there weren't any kids living near us, which was lonely. As friends of mine have pointed out, it's easy to benignly neglect one fairly placid child, but with 2 or more parents are generally forced to interact with them more. If you're involved parents to start with, there's less difference.

Listening to your child and providing them with opportunities to make friends outside school, and encouraging them to make contact with young family members (via email/Facebook etc if they live a long way away) will I think bypass the small disadvantages of being an only child. And as others have pointed out there's a lot of advantages too.

I'd love more than one child (though a bit nervous about dealing with sibling interactions...), but given I'd given up on a baby at all, I'm not even counting Squirmy until he's safely hatched. I'd love to see any future baby as a bonus but suspect I'll go through the same emotions as you if a second doesn't happen.

If it is any help, I sometims grieve for the relationship DH and I had with one child.

I have sobbed at various points about what I have done to my pfb by usurping him and no longer being able to negotiate round, spend time learning and generally just being us.

I see parents of onlys and see how much more time and cuddles and basic hands on stuff they have.

There are positives about sibs too but one child is special, it really is.