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Original poster

I am so fed up of no return playdates for my ds

18 replies

heatblast · 30/07/2008 15:49

Hi
My ds is an only and I realise that he does need interaction with other children.
I do try and arrange for his mates to come sometimes after school.
The problem is that he hardly if ever gets any return invites even though he is desperate to go.
I realise thats its my choice to arrange playdates and I do realise that people have busy lives etc.
I have had many a mom promise him that he can come to theirs after I have brought their child back to them and it never comes off.
I am always left with my ds bothering me the next few days as to why he hasn,t been asked yet, and he starts mithering me to ask them when he can go which of course I don,t do for fear of looking like I have a real nerve.
I feel so bad for him as I am clueless as to what I can do about it.
I really feel awful for him.

Does anybody else have this probem or is it just me.
Am I a mug to keep having his mates at mine with no return invites I only do it for my ds.

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FluffyMummy123 · 30/07/2008 15:50

Message withdrawn

wishingchair · 30/07/2008 16:18

No it's not just you but I also have some sympathy for the other parents. If they have other kids of school age then pretty sure they're evenings are spent one or the other of them from one place to another. If they work then it's even more of a challenge. I work 3 days a week so those days are out for me. One other day DD has ballet so that's out. That leaves Friday and don't want to have a playdate every blinking Friday. Plus time just runs away from you and you set off with the best of intentions but then another week goes by etc etc.

PErsonally, if you and your son enjoy having them over to yours, I'd keep inviting them. IME it's often easier to have 2 kids in the house as they play together leaving you free to do jobs/put feet up

wishingchair · 30/07/2008 16:20

duh ... if they have other kids of school age then pretty sure their evenings are spent ...

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oeufflorentine · 30/07/2008 16:20

How old is he ?

Keep having friends to yours if he and friens enjoy this; some of my return play date favours are not promptly returned because I have 4dcs/after school activities to factor in and it simply isn't possible usually to return the favour soon after an afternoon spent at a friend's house. Have to say though i often bring my diary and pencil in something for longer ahead just so the cildren know it will happen eventually !

So hang on in there; you just may be further down someone's playdate list than ds would like, but it will happen.

SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 16:23

what length of time are we looking at? How long have you been inviting other dc round and not getting invited back in return?

kaz33 · 30/07/2008 16:25

Hmmm - my DS1 rarely got invited to playdates and in fact parties by year 1. I love him but he can be a PITA and other children though happy to come to ours never asked their parents if he could come over.
Now he is in year 2 and growing up and is starting to make some friendships.

Try not to sweat it, i ended up very much inviting kids over who were the kids of my friends and realised that he was not an angel. Also remember that if people have two or more kids then life becomes so much more complicated.

Original poster

heatblast · 30/07/2008 16:28

Yes I have found that its easier when his mates are here.
I have no problem with having his mates at all, I just feel bad for my ds when I see how desperate he is to go to theirs.

I know people have busy lives and other children and I honestly don,t think they see the need to arrange playdates like I do due to their children having siblings to play with.
I am sure it is just lack of inclination with most but I also think some just cannot be bothered with playdates.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 30/07/2008 16:31

I have other children here more than DD goes on playdates. She is also an only child. I have children over as it is fun for DD and it keeps her occupied. I find it easier to have two than just her on her own some times.

However, she does get plenty of return play dates so I guess I don't feel bad like t is just a one way thing.

But I do accept that there are some parents who just can't fit in playdates around a busy schedule, especially when they have more than one child to sort out. And some parents work, and cant do them.

Original poster

heatblast · 30/07/2008 16:41

He is 7 going into year 3 september.
It has been like this since he started school.
Maybe I am the problem. I am quite shy with other moms and although I do talk a little to other parents, I have never made a real friend at the school gates.
Do you think this does have some influence on how many playdates your child would get.
I don,t think that my ds,s mates ever ask for him to come even though he is quite popular at school.
Also it is usually me that encourages the playdates with my ds without him actually asking for them, do you think I am odd for doing that.
Maybe I place too much emphasis on playdates but I am aware that this is the only means he has of playing with other children which is why I do it.
He also gets quite bored at home.

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 30/07/2008 16:46

Ds is 5 and I think we have about a 2:1 ratio for return play dates - for every 2 I ask, we get 1 return invite at the most. I don't really know why this is as I know the parents who don't invite ds do invite other children and I know that it hurts quite a lot. However, I think that all you can do is identify who your ds says his friends are and keep inviting them and if he queries why no return invites, say you don't know.

SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 16:47

I don't think you are odd or doing anything wrong. If other dp aren't initiating invites and it bothers ds, I think you might have to pluck up the courage to ask the dp directly. Mind you I can understand feeling reticent, I wouldn't want to do it either, especially if you are shy.

Could you ask about it when you drop the kids back? Just say it was a nice afternoon, they play well together and ds was asking if he could come and visit their ds. Would it suit them sometime next week?

Otherwise maybe you need to be more available at the gates so people have a chance to get into conversation with you and then think to invite your ds.

I really don't think anyone dislikes you or your ds though. Maybe if you don't mind having the dc round and it does ds good, just keep on with it whether or not he gets invited back

alittleteapot · 30/07/2008 16:47

Does he go to any after school activities? Maybe that would be a good way to give him regular interaction with other children out of school and take the pressure off the play-dating a bit?

Original poster

heatblast · 30/07/2008 16:57

Oh sssandy2 I could never do that I would feel so cheeky and feel as though I was putting them on the spot.

I know that I need to come out of my shell and I am trying, but I do find it difficult.
I will keep on inviting his mates despite all of this, its still good for him to have them at ours.
I am also pleased that people are usually always happy to come here.

OP posts:

SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 17:06

I can understand that but you may have to resign yourself to it being a one-sided thing

I know one dm who spent a lot of time inviting girls round to play with her dd becasue she was concerned that dd did not have any real friends. Actually ithink she was fine, she was a little grown-up compared to the other dc but they liked and accepted her. ANyhow this mum invited other dc round a lot (at least one almost every day) and she would come right out and ask for return invites like that. She did that with me and I wasn't offended in any way. I might not have invited her dd otherwise because although dd had nothing against her,she also didn't really have much in common IYSWIM

SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 17:07

otherwise I agree with teapot - get him into a group setting out of school - scouts, sport etc

Original poster

heatblast · 30/07/2008 17:08

thats one brave woman wish I could do it

OP posts:

Tortington · 30/07/2008 17:15

i never did it
mayb your kids a total nighmare

SSSandy2 · 30/07/2008 17:16

you're a bit shy and she by nature is direct and confident, so easier for her than you although I would say she still had to force herself to do it.

She suffered becasue she thought her dd wasn't popular and I know she does all this play-date organising not because she wants to or feels comfortable doing it but because she wants her dd to be happy. Actually I think she OVER-does it a bit tbh but she's a nice person and she did manage to establish some friendships for her dd in the end.

The grandmother did let slip to me once though that she found it all one-sided and that often enough the dc who were invited did not really seem to be on a wave-length with her grand-daughter.

I think you're handling it well by the sounds of things.

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