I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall - Different parenting styles, how do YOU do it.?

[VictorianSqualor]

DP and I have obviously got different styles of parenting, he thinks I'm a 'hippy' I think he is too tough.

Some of the things he does I think are counter productive but he thinks they're a good idea.

Like telling DS he has to wear a nappy today because he wet himself yesterday. IMO, it's not going to help at all but just make DS even lazier (he has been using the toilet for a bout a year but if he is 'busy' he'll wet himself rather than use the toilet) in his opinion it will make DS realise that he needs to make sure he goes to the toilet because he hates wearing nappies.

If I try to tell him I think his ideas aren't going to work then he gets offended and thinks I'm basically saying 'You're shit', which I'm not, not really, just erm, I'm my methods are better.

I don't want to argue over parenting styles FGS, he is great in so many ways and this is the only thing we don't see eye-to-eye on. Ideally I'd make him agree with me, but I'm sure he feels the same!

How do others cope with differing views on parenting?

Chooster, I can't talk for your DH but in my situation I am the 'shouter' my DH never ever raises his voice (well very very rarely) we have had many discussions about the shouting because he gets quite upset about it mainly because he grew up in a household where they repressed their emotions. Unfortunately that means that him and his brothers are brooders and a couple are depressives and he doesn't like confrontation.

I grew up in a household where my mother shouted. Now I don't think it's ideal but I attach much less meaning to it. For me it's letting off steam. I shout when all other options have been exhausted and I feel frustrated to the point of explosion. I would prefer not to shout but it is the way I react and I find it very difficult to control. I always apologise afterwards and DD and DH are showered with love and affection at all other times.

There are times when I feel permanently irritated and consequently shout more. This is due to external factors and if they were addressed then the frustration and impatience would be gone and I'd feel less likely to shout.

I'd see if there are any external factors contributing to your DH's frustrations and therefore need to shout. Tiredness, stress, money etc etc. If he felt less of a burden elsewhere he might be calmer. What do you think? Does that sound likely?

"As DCs get older it seems to matter less and they accept that Mum and Dad are different"

Yeah, they soon learn that if Mum says no, it's worth asking Dad the same question just in case he says 'Yes'!!

I have cottoned on, I now say "It's only okay by me IF it's okay by your dad" or similar.

My problem is DH is inconsistent, he is strict one day and not bothered the next... though tonight I am no better. All 3 DC up late because neither DH nor I can be asked to herd them to bed.

We are different in that I read all the parenting books and dh parents 100% by instinct.

What that means in reality is that I hear a fight starting between the dc, tell them how I want them to behave, give a warning, use time out etc. dh doesn't hear them until the walls are shaking, then he screams at them.

I think you will always have issues and you have to sort things out as they happen. But we try hard not to overrule each other in front of the dc - they can use that well! We save the "discussion" for later.

I know this isn't the point of your post, but my ds did the same re wetting himself again once he was toilet trained, and putting a nappy on him did not change anything! He did not care one bit.

If you are in a relationship (sorry to all single parents) where one of you spends considerably more time with the dcs, then generally I think the main care giver probably has a better idea of how to deal with issues such as routines and discipline and the other parent should take a lead from the main carer.

OTH it helps to get another adult's perspective.

Probably the parent with the least fucked-up childhood should make the major decisions, I guess.

"Captain Cave-in"

eekamoose, good point. But I definitely win on the most fucked-up childhood but I'm also the main caregiver so how does that work for me?!

I think sometimes you do have to just bite your tongue when DP is being stricter with DSs than you are. I try to rember that I would be v upset if he contradicited me infront of the kids over a decsion amde so Iwouldn't do it to him.I am sometimes glad that he is being the hardline parent. I do just worry a little bit that I am too soft when I get cross with DS2 and he says 'Don't tell Daddy' and gets wobbly bottom lip!!!

The only real issue I have is when he allows them to do something that I consider out and out dangerous. He lets the 8 yr old (and now the 4 yr old wants to join in) play out in the street at the front of our house. I just don't think it's safe (not because of paedophiles but becuase of the road issue). i actually feel panicky jsut thinking about it. consequently he lets them do when I'm not a round. I have said 'no'and been ignored. As a damage limitation i have given big lectures about staying on the pavement and under no circumstances to go in the road. Unfortunately on more than one occasion have come home to fine DS1 in the middle of the road. We argue about it because DP says I'm questioning his judgement (which is true) but I can't help the way i feel

"Probably the parent with the least fucked-up childhood should make the major decisions, I guess."

My childhood was shite. Utter shite. DP's was lovely.

However, DP is not at all fucked up, and a lovely guy, IMO testament to his mother's good parenting. I normally do the same as what she would have done, so in our relationship I don't think it's fair to judge on childhoods.

We have spoken about it more anyway, he has said he knows he needs to get into the mind of a three year old more, rather than see DS as trying to wind him up, or being obstinate when that's not really what is going through DS's head at all.

I've never read a parenting book in my life, nor has DP but he has agreed if I buy some, he will read them so maybe we'll both learn something.

I like the christopher greene book called toddler taming Victorian - mianly because its easy to read and is pretty funny in places... So it shouldn't bore you or DP too much .

Both me and DH had great childhoods (generally) although my mum was a real shouter and had a nervous breakdown when I was a teenager so I was always on egg-shells around her for a while, especially as an only child when all the anger only has one port of call. And when she lost the plot, she really lost the plot! So, maybe thats why I HATE DH shouting at DS1 so much. In my case I think my mums shouting was pretty unhealthy shouting as opposed to maybe your mum gingerninja, where at least you knew where you stood! Anyway, maybe there is some good in it after all... We visited a friend today who has a 4 yr old boy who IMO is just really rude and he shouted at my DS1 about something he had done by accident and my Ds wasn't bothered in the slightest .

Yes gingerninja, outside influences totally dictate how much patience DH has for DS... If he's tired or stressed then its very low..