My poor ds, have I been a lousy Mum?! Desperate for advice x

[cheekymonk]

Hi There,
DS is 3.5 btw.
Ds is dry during the day and at night 9 times out of 10 but insists on pooing in nappy. Following previous advice I thought ok lets tackle this. Dh came back from being away (in Navy) and basically we agreed to ban all nappies. I said I had given them to a baby who needed them. So he went all weekend with no poo and being a bit constipated and today at nursery he has pooed himself twice. He has never done this at nursery (and rarely at hime except when ill) and having talked it all over with him, he would rather poo himself than poo in toilet.
I feel I have been cruel and so resort to buying more nappies tomorrow. Is this best and have I been awful??
I just feel sorry for ds. Pooing yourself is distressing...

bump

no real advice as this hasnt happened to me, think you probbly went a bit far (but with the best will in the world) but try using reward system. i hope others have advice.

Not sure I'm qualified to give you advice, but I can tell you my experience of something similar.

Whilst potty training my ds he got into the habit of holding onto his poo until he had a nappy on. It was a right pita as we could guarantee about 10 mins after we'd left his room he was telling us he'd done a poo.

We've now given in and he's got a potty in his room. he still poos at the same time of night, but it's in the potty rather than in the nappy. He's also starting to poo at other times during the day in the toilet. He told me yesterday that he doesn't like the splash, so we've started putting loo roll down the toilet to stop it splashing.

Thanks both. DS has told me he is scared he will fall down toilet. I did try child bit on top of loo previously but this has never made any difference.
If it is fear of falling down toilet then why doesn't he poo in potty??
I have alked about rewarding, said about a "poo wizard" that will leave 10p under his pillow (he wants the tooth fairy to visit so thought this would work ) but he just looked at me like I was talking a load of rubbish.
Have done very basic biology lesson, why we eat, poo etc...
Got him to see us poo, not made out that pooing is horrible etc but perfectly normal and natural...
Really have no ideas left apart from give up on whole thing and let him use nappies

I have to say that, personally, I think you have been given very bad advice.

My daughter wouldn't poo anywhere other than in a nappy for 18 months. We tried bribery, getting cross, sticker charts, you name it - nothing worked. She had real hang-ups, became constipated when she wasn't allowed a nappy. Screamed and cried at the thought of using the toilet.

We realised in the end that toilet training is about being emotionally ready as well as physically - and she simply wasn't emotionally ready. We let her have a nappy for a poo when she wanted one, and she simply took herself off to have one. It stopped her being constipated, it took the pressure off, everyone was happy. Eventually it just clicked, and off she went.

Refusing a nappy and letting him become constipated and soil himself will cause more problems than it solves. Just cut him a bit of slack, and give him a little more time. He's still very young, and the less pressure you put him under the better.

Don't make him feel like a baby for needing a nappy; this is much, much more common than you would think.

I agree Shitehawk completely. Its not about going to bed on time etc is it. Constipation is horrible and I am worried about him having emotional issues too as a result of trying to force it on him.
Bloody hell, I wished I trusted my own instincts instead of allowing myself to be swayed so easily...

Your own instincts are usually the ones that are right, you know.

I'd just go with it for now. If he knows when he needs a poo and will ask for a nappy when he needs one then that's at least one step in the right direction.

You can remind him in a few weeks/months/whatever that when he's ready poos go in the toilet, but really just take it one step at a time. He'll get there

Thanks shitehawk...

hang on I wasn't giving advice, and stated that, i was just saying what has happened to us. I mentioned nothing about going to bed on time.
my ds still has a nappy on, but is now going for a poo in the potty, independantly and at his leisure.

cheekymonk, one piece of advice I've seen is to put a nappy on the potty and let him sit on it to poo then gradually move the nappy further back till it's no longer needed. Don't despair,he will get there!

I wasn't critising you woodenchair at all and was grateful for someone to respond!
Ds already has a potty in his room.
Noone mentioned about going to bed on time. I was just trying to make the point that by trying to enforce potty training, it can have worse consequences than making a child go to bed at same time each night for example.
For me, it just hasn't worked out and caused more problems but for others, the child needed the intervention and was ok.
Its all about what works for your child isn't it?
In previous threads I was half advised to intervene and half advised to leave it.
I don't think shitehawk was getting at you...

Yes, I have heard something similar too chipmonkey but couldn't get ds to compromise. Had no idea it was such a deep-rooted issue until now!

I wasn't talking about you when I said CM had had some bad advice, woodenchair, if that comment was aimed at me.

She says she followed "previous advice", that's what I was referring to.

Please don't worry too much about being cruel or a lousy mum, we only do what we think is right at the time. But a word of warning is that boys this age very easily develop chronic constipation (as ds1, 4.7, has) partly/wholly due to the emotional issues with potty training - there are plenty of stories on mumsnet & I know other 3 & 4 year olds with similar issues. DS1 is now seeing a pediatrician & on medication.

I would back off for now, take the pressure off both of you - it really doesn't matter. I put pressure on ds1 and we've had nearly 2 years of pooing in his pants every day now with another 6 months to a year on medication to sort out his bowel. It doesn't need to get that bad, but with boys they will often resort to holding it in when they're anxious & leads to even more problems. Again, I certainly don't mean this post to reinforce your feelings about what's happened but I was unaware of the issues when I was trying to potty train him in the first place, I will be sooooo relaxed when ds2 is ready!

Thanks accesssorize queen. Yes I aim to get back to where we were to avoid any further pros. DS also wet bed last night so very strong messages that he isn't ready!

That's ok then . Sorry, must have been feeling touchy last night.
Good luck cheekymonk

Our dd has recently started to pooh on the loo, she had been suffering constipation since xmas (when we potty trained her) we tried everything to get her to pooh on the toilet and occasionally she would do it. We got little toys and wrapped them up and sweets and praise and sitting with books etc we brought a padded toilet seat but tbh i think what's cracked it is the fact she's a bit older now, she understands the pain in her tummy feels better when she pooh's, we let her do it in her nappy but when she did we said good girl for having a pooh but do it in the toilet next time, I started going for a pooh when she was in the bath playing (tmi i know but i was trying everything!)

She's doing it frequently now (over the past week or so) she likes the padded toilet seat I say do a pooh and then you can have some sweeties and watch tv on my bed for 10 mins so when shes had a bath she sits on and i go out of the bathroom and she shouts me when shes done, so far so good! We're giving her so much praise and attention for being such a big girl, I also told her after her birthday if she does poohs on the toilet everyday then she will be able to go to nursery (she really wants to, like her big sister goes to school so this has been a big incentive for her, though a few times shes said you haven't taken me to nursery! but i explain again that she has to have her birthday first etc) She's 2 (will be 3 in sept)

Thing is we took her to the doctors and asked for an appt with a consultant at the hospital so we could get her off the medicine, now we've done it all ourselves which is typical but i'd rather cancel an appt than feel we have no support or back up.

Hope you can not worry too much. He'll do it in his own time. Give him the nappies and eventually he will want to be a big boy and do it on the loo. I do understand how you feel though, when dd2 was suffering from constipation I felt everyone thought I must be such a failure and not feeding her properly, dd1 also suffered for 2 yrs and I thought people were judging me I know I've done all I can though.

Chin up, things do get better try not to worry x

Ds has got nappy on as we speak, is happily playing cars and I am breathing huge sigh of relief...
Have had bath with him this morning and tried being extra nice, gentle and reassuring.
I can smell his poo,(sorry tmi!!) so am chuffed, especially as he is telling me there is lots more to come!
Hee hee.
Have joy of dentist in a bit. There's always another challenge just around the corner!!

nappies really are much easier until they're ready - it was my dad (pediatrician) who advised me to back off last year, just said it was all getting too tense & I should let ds do things at his own pace which along with medication seems to be finally working.

Oh, what a handy person to have for a Dad, AQ!

i do think you should go at the child's pace. we had all the nct group's 2 year olds potty train over one weekend when we all went camping together and my dd (my dh's youngest but my first) was using her potty. they all decided that they liked being nappy free.

so i think he will decide at some point that he wants to do it. BUT that doesn't top it from being very hard on you.
any local suport groups like NCT? or ask your HV

The other thing which it might help to remember is that readiness for being dry doesn't always come at the same time as readiness for being clean - they are two completely separate processes, and just because a child is ready to use the toilet for wees doesn't mean they are ready to use the toilet for poos.

We seem to expect that once a child is dry, they are automatically going to be clean - that's not the case.

I'm glad he's happy back in his nappy, cheekymonk. He'll get there in his own time, he really will.

Thanks again shitehawk. He is fine, back to his normal lovable, handful self!