Is your NO a NO, or a weak no followed by YES just dam well have it!!!!!!!!! ??

[Wolfgirl]

Well, Is it? Cos right now, that is me. Where oh where I ask you, has all my resillience, perseverance, continuity, strength.... where has it gone?

I was so full of it, I swear. Felt I would rule like militarian come dictator, and I would have them all in hand, and that just one look from me, would have em running and bowing out the room backwards.

But no they have it over me. DS 4years, when told no, harps on and on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on.... until I can bear it no longer. I breathe in deep and out again, in, out, in out... then calmly say, My dear when Mummy says NO, I dont want you to then whine and complain.

And the crying and howling starts. Five mins later... can I have...

Inwardly I scream and feel my body wobbling like a jelly as though my head as gone to mush, and I snap at him.... oh ruddy well have it!!!!!!!!

God Hectae....that is Good!

I love the 15 minutes...14 minutes thing.

I'mgoing to use that!

No means no about 99% of the time with me and about 1% of the time with soft touch DH.

I'm getting better wolfgirl .I've had to. My 3rd child is the stubbornest human being in the history of stubborn people! My others took no for an answer, DS#2 takes it as bargaining posiion.

Yes, my no is no but I really try very hard to be careful about the no's. Tonight DS wanted to take all the sofa cushions off and make a fort. I could have said no because it made the living room untidy and meant another 2 mins tidying up for me, but then I thought its not dangerous or bad for him so I said yes, even though its not really what I wanted him to do, IYSWIM. (I would let them go to bed wearing whatever they wanted, tbh).

They only really get no's for wanting sweets or treats if they've already had a little something that day, wanting to buy things in shops, anything dangerous, more television than I think is reasonable.

DCs are 7 and 4 now and we have very few battles. It does get easier, thank goodness!

eekamoose Yes I do see what you mean. And quite often I do say, yes similar to you, it would be inconvenient, or just make more work for me.

So things I say NO to are:

helping with tea when Im in a hurry
helping with anything when Im in a hurry
riding up the street on his bike, on his own
going up the ladder into the loft (he's desperate to get up there LOL)
a whole packet of biscuits... or more than two at any one time
Coming into my bed anytime before 06:30
Getting more than one or two toys out the shed at any time

Oooh, am in need. seems one of em has taken the card for the digital tv thingy, iykwim. could be no tv tonight unless we find it. and that'll be like a needle in a haystak if DD 2 years has had it. No doubt she's shoved it down the floor boards.

yawn. bye for now ladies

Well update on tv card thingy. I felt it was mission impossible to try and search, so said to DH get her up and ask her. she was still playing in her cot.

the problem we have is that DD has a speech problem, and does not communicte too well either. So asking her could have been futile. But we did all the actions and said in the most unthreatening, cooey cooish of voices, wheres the card blah blah where did you put the card.

THEN! she wiggled down and poked open the video flap. we looked and looked, and got a torch, no card. then dh shook it and it dropped out.

hilarious! I never in a million years thought that asking her would reveal it. But she came up trumps, so got loads of squidy cuddles, along with a bit of an admonishment.

Cant get DS off to bed, he is being a pain in the buttock right now.

I remember one time a few years ago when the kids were being total pains and trying to refuse to go to bed - going after toys, wanting to watch tv etc, coming back down every time I carried them up there!!

I went to trip switch and flipped it. Cut off ALL power in the house.

I said, stay up as long as you want to.

In the dark.

With nothing to do.

They went to bed

Awwww that is so sweet, your dd and the tv card thingy .

My No is a No, regardless, but I always try to give a reason for my no. DH's No is an "oh okay then, as you've asked me 3 times I feel I have to give in now".

I truly believe in the only say no if you really mean it, but stick to it if you do. And if you think there;s any chance you'll change your mind say 'I'll think about it and tell you in one minute so don't ask me again until then'. Otherwise a child learns to pester pester pester and know they will get what they want if they carry on pestering. Which is exactly what my DSS does... as IMO my DP has completely encouraged him to do so by saying no and then regularly changing his mind after a few pesters. It drives me mad!

I am a stubborn bitch, so when I say NO I don't go back on it! I do think before I say no, though, as the resultant fall-out is sometimes not really worth it (eg in the last week we have walked the dogs round the park with dd1 dressed as a fairy princess and a ballerina and dd2 dressed as both peppa pig and a spider- who was it harming?)

But it does mean I can intercept the arguements with dd1 (barrack-room lawyer in the making) with "I've said NO. Have you ever known me change my mind?" She has to admit it ain't going to happen, and knows that if she goes on about it, she might lose some other priviledge as well. I do try to say no just to things I really think are out of the question, though. And I consider and tell them why it's no.

I've noticed this myself recently. I've watched, read, listened to many a parenting program. All the advice, being consistent, standing ground, I am the adult, she is the child.
'She' being a very fiery 18month old red haired little girl, whom I love and adore Sooooo much.

I know, I know, I know... she needs to learn boundaries, she needs to learn that when someone says 'No' it is usually with good reason, and if not, then it still means 'No'!!!

I start off, being firm but fair, I say No, she understands. It goes on for a while, she tries to distract me, then go back to it and try with a different tactic. Yes, she does- I know she is only 18months, but my god is she canny... she knows exactly what she is doing. Its scary. talk about able to manipulate her Daddy too! I always thought I'd be the softy, but no, it it him, she knows, already at her tiny age, she can get anything she wants from him!

So, I say no, I stick to it, and eventually, not always, but yes, I give in. Sometimes I have the energy distract, occupy, etc etc, and it does work, as suggested in various texts. However, more often, its week willed mummy. God, I'm ashamed! I am so aware of the potential problems this will cause.

How can I make NO mean NO?
How can I be hard hearted about it?
How can I develop more of a thick skin about this?

I'm so with you all on here who have replied in a similar way to me. how on earth did this happen to us? I know what I should do, the reasons and the theories behind it, yet, it jut doesn't work out that way. God, what a disappointing thing to realise!

Hey Susie alright?

I don't know that it as bad as all that. So what do they learn?

Maybe they learn they rule you.
Or maybe they learn they can change things?
Maybe it lasts forever.
Or maybe it lasts until the next bonkers child phase?

The people here are not talking about never saying no and letting their dcs have it all.

They are largely talking about sometimes changing their minds, either because they were wrong or because it benefiting them too and they needed a break.

If they were wrong then yep, change your mind, show that you can make mistakes, it makes you authority greater. By admiting when you are wrong, when you are right you can say trust me I wouldn't piss about with this with greater authoirty.

If its because they need a break? Well gee, so you child learns their parent is fallible and needs a break. I tend to be honest, if they are on and on and I really do need a break I tell them and say right, we ALL need a break, let's just do whatever and start again.

I don't subscribe to irreversible, unchangable lessons learnt from occasional parenting decisions.

I was more NO MEANS NO when they were little.

As they grow up, it is easier to see that sometimes they are actually right, and they do need to be involved more in the decision process.

Besides, I hope that we have already established that I can hold out in the face of opposition if I really need to. So I don't have to prove things any more.

Depends tbh. Sometimes it's an "absolutely not" no. But I think if you are sometimes "no but if you go on enough it'll become a yes" then they know that. Have only read OP, sorry if repeating.

when i say no, yes i mean no, and i stick to it

BUT I try not to say no

i will also qualify a no eg "no for now, we will discuss it later"

or

"I am thinking no because of xyz, tell me why you think I should say yes and I will consider it"

i also always explain unless things are at that oh fgs stage

For my dd, no is a definate no.
If I gave her an inch, she'd take 5 miles.

I think its quite simple really. You just have to have a little talking to yourself before you say "no". Unless its a dangerous situation, obviously. If a day to day issue, it only takes a nano-second for you to decide what dc wants is a little bit reasonable or completely unreasonable, according to your own household rules.

I remember distinctly saying a big serious no to my dd for the first time. She went on a pony ride at a farm and she loved it so much that when she had to get off she went into a full-blown tantrum. She was about 2 and a half. DH was all for letting her having another ride, I said no, because then she might possibly believe tantrumming would lead to us letting her have her own way. I couldn't know for sure, but that was my belief and I stuck to it.

I know some on here will think I was hard on her for that.

At the same time, I often promise my dcs something, and if I've promised, I always follow through.

I think consistency is major.

I'm with the OP - of course everyone knows that a no should mean no, and we understand what the consequences will be if we give in - but sometimes when you've been driven ragged you just snap. My worst one was when I automatically said no to DD wanting an ice-cream in town one day - she was so upset about it and went on and on that I stopped to think and realised that there was no reason why she couldn't have one, really. So I gave in and bought her one. Weeks later she was whining and going on and on and on and on about something and I said "why are you still fussing about this when I've already said no?" and she said "because it might be like that time when I kept crying and crying and eventually you said "oh alright then!"

I am a no means no except occasionally when I say no and then think oh fuck it wouldn't have hurt to say yes that time.

So then I say "Oh, did you mean you wanted a whateveritwas, sorry, I thought you said somethingelse, of course you can have whateveritwas" which rather neatly makes it look like I'm an idiot, not a feeble-no-then-yes-sayer.

Er...

oh god my NO is NO even if I'm totally wrong about it

Once I've said NO it's too late to go back

Otherwise you will end up with whiny children jumping around way after bedtime demanding crap

NO MEANS NO GIRLS

DON'T CAPITULATE

I, very occasionally, say no and then have an immediate rethink and change my mind instantly, (and explain why (I've changed my mind) but other than that, no is no.

er, bit like hunker, lol.

I find myself saying no, then thinking why,it won't hurt.

As long as DD hasn't whinged on about it I will say, actually I have thought about it and I have decided you can, especially as you were being so good about it.

If no really does mean no, or she whinged then I will not change my mind, no matter how easy it would be to say yes... As soon as she starts moaning then it becomes a point of contention and I will not change my mind (even if I was wrong in the first place)

No means no and if he carries on after I have said no he goes to his room until he feels able to stop nagging.

I still spoil him horribly in other ways. But whining is my pet hate and I Do NOt Tolerate It - and giving into whining increases whining in the long run.

I'm with cory.

Occasionally I capitulate because sometimes I'm wrong.