Am I "explaining" too much?

[thequietone]

I have been told today by Kindergarten that DS1 (3.5) is hard to be strict with. In other words, he needs to be told very strictly to do something (sit down, don't run off etc.). The teacher said that I am not strict enough and explain too much to him. She belives that I should just tell him hard to do something, and if he doesn't, put him on a step somewhere.

Now, we've a naughty step which is used quite frequently. I tell my DS1 off a lot. But I'm puzzled over why he shouldn't be told WHY not to do something. I feel like we'll just be barking orders at him. The teacher says he is very intelligent, so that's not an issue. He just needs more strong discipline.

BTW, we are in Germany, so there's a language barrier that DS1 has. He's picking it up quickly, though.

My ds1 is the same age and it's not so much barking orders as just giving them as much information as their brains can process and as such, that they can respond to.

The How to Talk... book is a good one for this!

Well, it's not actually up to them how you deal with your son - unless you are damaging him, it's up to you.

Ah Beansprout, I bought that book recently and it's on my bedside table. I'll dig it out tonight. I do think they're right at Kindergarten, as I had a nightmare time at the supermarket yesterday with him. He was doing exactly as they explained today, ignoring commands that he knows are right. I just needed to hear they're right. I usually want to hear that they're wrong!

He's being moved up into the main Kindergarten in September, in a class of 3.5 - 6yo. They're understandably trying to ensure that he behaves come that time.

So...when he gets up during dinner I should eb saying "Sit Down Now", instead of continuing "...because you'll fall off the bench and hurt yourself. You did that twice recently and there were lots of tears..." Even as I type that I realise I AM waffling too much. He must have stopped listening after the first 5 words...

Sometimes, like in your example of getting up at dinner time, you just need to tell them to sit down again, firmly. Then once they are sitting again, you could explain a bit more about why.

The how to talk book really is good, read it!

It's important to explain to children why, but in a simple enough way for them to easily process it, overloading them with information can confuse them.

Having said that, it is your choice how to parent your children, not the kindergarten staff.

and you are right, he would have stopped listening after the first 5 words, or forgotten what it was you where going on about, or that you wanted him to sit down...

I see. Well, yes, do cut the waffle. They don't listen to it. My son's ed psych once explained to me that some kids have a time lag between hearing and processing. If, by the time they have finished processing what you said, you are still talking, they have to forget what you said and start again.

I do both, bark the order and then maybe explain.

Have mentioned before that our home is a benign dictatorship. Parents are the bosses and kids do as they are told. We will explain if necessary but sometimes "because I said so" is the reason.

Hehe with the dinner example I wouldn't have both with the "Down Now" it would have ben "SIT" and if not done immediately followed with "NOW".

Thanks everyone. Very useful advice, and my red mist at the Kindergarten staff is slowly fading! Writing this post made me realise I'm bombarding him with explanations. At his age, maybe he just needs to be told the action, as you say, OMDB.

I do this Morloth. A teacher at the school commented (amused) that I sound like a dog trainer. I replied that 4 year old boys behave like labradors.

Yup - dogs/kids they both respond very well to the same stuff! Lots of love and very very clear instructions.