I dislike my toddler

[aliasthejester]

There Ive said it. I dont know why but over the past few weeks my dislike for him is growing everyday and i dont know how to stop it.
Im a stay at home mum living in a different country to my family and most of my friends and finding it very difficult to cope with the day to day care of my 3 yr old DS and 5 month old DD. My DP knows I dont like it here but insists its the best thing for the children.
I think because im down I have no patience with DS and snap at him for no reason and often ignore him. My DP says I talk to him (DS) like shit. DS is very demanding but even if I spend hours playing with him he's still not happy and will whinge. Im sure he'd be better off in daycare but we couldnt afford it even if i went back to work and put DS and DD there. I could go back to work but its the financial implications of childcare again.
At night when he's in bed i cry and feel crap about the way ive treated him throughout the day and vow that the day after will be better but it never is. I often feel it would be better if i took DD and left ds and dp to it.

Alias, I didn't want this to go unresponded to.

It souds such a sad situation for you and your little boy.

You need to address this ASAP. You need to admit this to your DP, your Doctor or your family. Everyone needs to realise something has to change for you.

You need to make a plan to restore your reltionaship with your little boy. You need a break from him, you need time alone with him, you need opportunities to start to enjoy him again.

The self hatred is just going to progressively be making the realtionship work.

He is your darling little boy, you need to discover that again.

The worst thing in the world for him would be for you to leave. He needs his Mummy, he needs you to love him, and you can find the path to doing that again.

But you need support.

Take a look at this thread by RedMist. It's not quite the same scenario as you, but I'm sure you'll find some helpful tips in there.

FWIW, I think it's not uncommon to have ambivalent feelings towards your older child(ren) when you have a new baby. I sometimes wonder if it's an evolutionary trick to ensure that we bond with the new child (when logically speaking you'd think that we'd 'prefer' the older child, as they've had a head-start on building a relationship with you, iykwim).

I certainly can admit to feeling 'off' with my DD for months after the birth of DS. I tried v hard never to show it, but I would see her as a big rough demanding oik (she was only 18 months old at the birth! ) compared to DS who was snuggly and soft and adoring.

Now they are both big rough oiks, so the 'favouritism' is dissipating

I nearly cried when I read this - for you and your son.
You desperately need to speak to a professional and get help.
Please do it soon - you don't want to regret this for the rest of your life.

I think a percentage of the problem is that your anger is being misdirected from your DP, who by the sound of deserves it, onto your DS. An impression I am getting from your post is that your DP thinks that you are only a 'woman' and therefore your wishes and needs come way at the bottom of the heap: being treated as though you don't matter can make you feel resentful towards all males. Your DP needs to take notice of you, you need some time at least once a week to do stuff that is for your own benefit, not just housework and childcare, etc. But see your GP for immediate help if your feelings are unbearable.

Madamez, those're good points, I reckon.

I burst into tears when I read your posts...I know something has to change but i think the only way that will happen is if I leave where we live and go home. I dont think my DP will do this so it will mean me taking the DC on my own. Then what if it doesnt get any better and all along its me with the problem and not just the situation im in?

The 'best thing for the children' is to have a happy, fully functioning mother who enjoys her time with them, and also her time on her own.

If your DH wants 'the best for the children', he needs to help you address how you are feeling. Whether that can be through seeing your Health Visitor here, or moving back to your family and friends I don't know.

I don't think it's just location that is making you unhappy, but not having your support network of family and freinds around can make everything so much worse, as it is so hideously isolating.

Have you talked to your GP/HV at all?

And do you take your little boy to toddler groups where you can meet other mums?

My very quick read of your post tells me your DP is the problem here. You sound depserately unhappy and for whatever reason, he's not listening.

If going back to where your family are is not an option I think you need to think again about childcare. Maybe you are not cut out for the childcare you are doing and you would interact better with your children if you had a different set-up? Your DP has to understand that you are insisting on a different set-up. Exactly what changes you will make are to be discussed between you but things cannot stay as they are and this cannot be your problem - it's a family problem.

I understand that childcare is expensive but you really have to prioritise getting out of this situation you are in - for all your sakes. If that means making changes that cost you a lot of money then so be it. You can get a loan if needs be.

I'm not saying that childcare is necessarily the solution but it would not be limbo which is where you are now.

I can't remember - can't you get 5 free sessions of childcare at a registered playgroup when they're 3? Could your Health Visitor help you find out about that?

Maybe some time apart would help you to look forward to seeing him again. It is very tough being on your own with 2 young children, especially when you're away from family and missing them. No-one would blame you for finding it hard.

I definately think being isolated is making things worse.
In response to missblythe i havent spoken to my gp( is very unapproachable) and there arent health visitors where we live ( not uk). Also i dont drive and the nearest mother and toddler group is in the next town. I also have no money of my own (the child benefit is paid into DP bank) and DP says money is too tight for me to have any. I sound like a door mat dont i ?

alias I'm so sorry.

Your DS is not the problem here. Hope you can take some advice from MN and find a way to take control of your life and your family.

I can vouch for the thread that redmist started being worth taking some time to read. Since stopping bfing several months or so ago my PMT has resumed and I was really struggling to manage it - and consequently feeling guilt, self loathing etc.

With the aid of evening primrose oil, b vits and the use of some of the techniques mentioned on this thread its getting a hell of a lot better.

Is there any way that you could consider part time work? It would give you a break even if childcare eats up most of your salary.

Im going to read redmists thread now...

Are you getting enough sleep and rest? Probably not with two small kids - this can impact on how you feel. Is there anyway you could have a weekend off from running after your 3yr old?

alias - I am also living abroad, I don´t work and I am at home all day with my 18 mo DS. DH works very long hours and is often away.

Yes I only have the one child but I really do know how it feels looking after a small child, predominantly on your own in a country that´s not your own without your family and close friends nearby. I have often felt that the isolation is going to kill me. I have lost a lot of confidence and find it hard to make friends, most of the time I "just want my old UK friends" and this is the vicious circle I am in.

I too have no chance of going back as my DH has a job here and is not willing to give it up and go back to the UK "just like that", as he says. He has made that very clear on several occasions

Although I do have some good days I must admit that the loneliness and homesickness I have felt these past two years has been all-consuming and I often wonder about the impact this will have on my DS as he gets older and inevitably picks up on this. Some days I just sit and cry

What missblythe says: The 'best thing for the children' is to have a happy, fully functioning mother who enjoys her time with them, and also her time on her own. Is so true. I have said similar words to my DH ,I even wrote him a letter to explain my feelings just last week but he says his hands are tied.

I don´t really have much advice, just wanted you to know you´re not the only one

Im sorry bebespain that you're in a similar position to me....I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone. Redmists thread has really helped me get perspective on things. I feel more positive today and am making a definate effort to be patient with my toddler. Some of the posts on redmists thread really rang true..... I think i come across as a totally different person to people than i actually am during the day...I feel like a fraud half the time.

Alias: Is there no way that you could speak to a family member and maybe get a flight booked for you and your 2 dc to go and stay with family for a while. That way you will be independant and away from dh for long enough to start working on your relationships with your dc. If you find that you are managing better being home with a support network then I think the answer speaks for itself!!!! If your dh decides that he is not coming home with you later (Once you have worked things out) then I am afraid I would take the single parent route as you would at least be happy. If this isnt an option then I think you need to have a frank and honest dscussion with dh and tell him Exactly how you feel. You do not dislike your toddler it is just that he is the only one you can take it out on at the moment. I hope you feel better soon. Take care

MadamAnt, thank you. My 33 is 3 and my ds 13 weeks and I've been really struggling with loving dd as much as I did. Not all the time, but definitely some of the time. Thought it was just me.