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Original poster

Feeling bad about losing it with DD's rudeness

16 replies

InARut · 15/07/2008 16:14

OK this is not a terrible problem but it's been going on for a long time now. DD (5) is rude and unfriendly, specifically when I pick her up from school (and nursery before that).

She hardly ever looks happy when she comes out of school - however, she tells me she likes school, her teacher says she is fine, she is a popular girl and there appear to be no problems there. However, she often comes out of school with what I would call a 'dirty look' on her face (I know, that's my own personal interpretation of it) She will come to me while scanning the crowd to see who we can walk home with - often she will hand me her bag/coat etc and run off to walk with them without even looking at me, never mind saying hello. Then, on the way home she will invariably find something to be annoyed about e.g., it's not treat day, we're not going swimming etc. She will then walk way behind me with a sulky face. We have a 10 minute walk home so this can be very trying but I have mostly tried to ignore this behaviour or tried to 'help' her be more polite. She was the same when she was 4 and going to nursery (private)- she would totally ignore me, not even look at me, she is also the same when she goes to other people's houses and i come to pick her up and she will frequently run off and hide.

Today after what feels like years of being mostly patient I had a minor 'eruption' and said as she was beeing so rude and unfriendly she can't watch TV tonight, then I added TV and then I sent her to her room, where she is now, telling her I didn't want to see her face until she could be friendly and polite. I know I was over the top

She is a quiet, sensitive kid at school and I have always been patient as I know it can be a strain for her being in a large group. On the other hand she is extremely sociable and I know it's partly because she wants to be with friends after school. However, I do a lot of playdates (almost never reciprocated) and I can't always be doing them every night.

Nonetheless I am really sick of seeing her sulky face most nights and though it's nearly end of term I am arranging lots of activitoes for her in the holidays and I don't wan to see her sulky face when I pick her up from them either. I know I was over the top with my punishment today - I hardly evr do 'punishment', I've probably put her on the naughty step about twice in her life. Tbh I don't know how I should deal with this. Am I being unreasonable or should she be more respectful to me?

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AMumInScotland · 15/07/2008 16:21

That sounds like a reaonable punishment to me - she has to learn that you have feelings too, and it's not ok to treat anyone like that.

The sulky face you may be stuck with - she has feelings and if they show than I don't know that you can really tell her off for it. But just expecting you to carry her things while she ignores you is not acceptable. And running off and being rude when you have arranged something for her like a playdate is very rude - I'd be telling her I'd cancel the next one if she can't behave acceptably.

lavenderbongo · 15/07/2008 16:25

I think you did the right thing. She needs to learn that she cant treat you like that. She may in time believe she can treat other people with disrespect and I think you need to nip it in bud now before it gets worse.

I would like to point out that I am no parenting expert but can only say what I do with my two dds. Who are no angels!

Elf · 15/07/2008 16:45

Have you tried asking her why she does this, at a time when you are getting on well? A five year old may be able to tell you.

BTW rudeness always gets my goat too.

Don't know what else to suggest but good luck.

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MumtoPhoebeboo · 15/07/2008 16:47

Something that's occurred to me that might be of use - could your DD possibly be hungry? I know my DD, now aged 7, is often grouchy when she comes out of school, but once she's had a snack she's a different child. Could giving her a banana/drink/biscuit as soon as you see her perhaps help?

weblette · 15/07/2008 16:51

Was going to suggest what MumtoPhoebeboo has just posted.

My boys are in a foul mood at the end of school until I get some food inside them, just a banana or some sultanas does the trick.

The same used to happen with dd but now she's at a school which does proper lunches her after-school behaviour is miles better.

Original poster

InARut · 15/07/2008 16:53

She has come down from her bedroom now and has drawn some pictures for me - she also said sorry. I have said to her I don't know why she is so 'unfriendly' and I asked her why she was so rude (as I have done before) and she just umms and ahhs/says 'I don't know'. I sometimes wonder if she realises she is doing it. Anyway, it's good to know others feel the same about rudeness as me

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Original poster

InARut · 15/07/2008 17:00

I have considered hunger and tiredness before A snack makes no difference, unfortunately - she would get annoyed about what snack I brought her! It's puzzling really, she's a loving and affectionate kid at other times.

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JulesJules · 15/07/2008 17:00

I often get the same. I think it's a combination of being tired and hungry. I know she does not behave like that at school, and I tell her that if she wouldn't be allowed to behave like that at school, she shouldn't at home either. But usually after a snack and a cuddle she perks up a bit. What drives me really mad is when she's rude to other people.

Lauriefairycake · 15/07/2008 17:01

your punishment was fine

and I was just about to say about hunger - the first thing I do is give my ten year old a snack and a drink when I pick her up from school (I have it in a tupperware box in the car and I vary it every day as she looks forward to it)

Also, she will have had to be polite and attentive all day. I used to be right grumpy for half an hour after work but luckily there was no-one around to bitch at so let her be grumpy and be reassured that she is only doing it cos she knows you love her enough to allow it a bit.

FossilSister · 15/07/2008 17:02

My DD also 5 is very similar. I had a word with her and said "When I pick you up, I want you to say hello to me and DD2, and maybe give us a hug." She did actually try for a while, but then slipped back. I think she is very tired after school, and has had it, basically. She often just watches TV when we get in.

However, I'm probably kidding myself and she is a rude little so and so.

I think what is most upsetting is I feel she's not happy to see me, and I've often been looking forward to picking her up.

I sympathise - try explaining to her what you want her to do. I always have to pre-brief DD on how to behave when I pick her up from somewhere, she never wants to leave, and it's embaraassing!

eandh · 15/07/2008 17:04

you could be describing dd1 (almost 4) nothing is ever 'right' there is always spomething to moan/grizzle about and she seems to shrug punishments off (if send her to her room she just continues to moan etc to herself.

She says shes bored but goes to preschool in mornings (although broken up today for holidays) I know she finds dd2 irritating at times (shes 18months) as she copies her alot, but I cant entertain dd1 all the time.

We have tried explaning that if she gets snappy/grizzly with her firends they wont always want to play and then she gets upset

Oemtimes I think its tiredness as she worries/anxiuos about things and often still wakes in night and coems in to find us to reassure her over minor things

eandh · 15/07/2008 17:05

excuse typing dd2 climbing all over me!

pellmell · 15/07/2008 17:14

I know this sounds silly but are you sure the "dirty or sulky look" is really there?
My mother used to say the same about me but actually I did not understand it when she pointed it out.
She called it my "meany mouth"
My face (when relaxed/tired) naturally pulls a scowl or frown or even a "dirty look"
I have to use every muscle in my face to look like even the teeniest bit happy.

Feel free to completely ignore all that waffle

Original poster

InARut · 15/07/2008 17:17

'I think what is most upsetting is I feel she's not happy to see me, and I've often been looking forward to picking her up.'

Fossil, this reminds me of her first day at school last September. I was so looking forward to seeing her and talking to her about her day. The first thing she said to me was a sulky 'You didn't give me a lunchbox' (She was having hot dinners!) and she then refused to walk with me.I felt really embarassed, we didn't know anyone and all around us were parents and children running into each other's arms!

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Original poster

InARut · 15/07/2008 17:21

No waffle pellmell, she can look a bit 'fierce' sometimes, especially in public (her smile's a real winner though). Maybe i'm expecting too much of her face but a 'hello mum' would be nice - maybe i should coach her a bit more as some of you suggest

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charliecat · 15/07/2008 17:40

My dds are usually in foul mood after school so I take them food. And it does turn them into themselves rather than the dragging feet, grunting goblins they are after a day at school.
Hello You With a big over the top voice might surprise her into being pleasant back!

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