How can you show love, support and understanding, and be a good parent for a child who keeps being nasty to sibling and show no love or understanding to his brother?

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My 6 year old appears to have neither love nor compassion for his 3 year old brother, it is wearing me down. I dont know what to do. It is getting to a point where I feel so angry and upset it is starting to eat up my love for him.

He was the apple of my eye, I loved him so much, I thought he was so fantastic. Not any more. He keeps putting his brother at risk. He is thoughtless around him, has no regard for him being little. He is so petty.

We just returned from a few days away with my cousin and her 4 1/2 year old dd. It was breaking my heart. My six year old would consipire with the girl to leave his brother out of play, even with games such as hide and seek etc they could all do together. It was going on and on. His brother would put his face in his hands and sob his heart out, and I ended up spending most of the time playing with him, as his brother wouldnt. Or I found something else for my 3 year old to do.

On one occasion he was playing with a ball, and it accidentally bounced and hit my 6 year old in the neck. My toddler apologised and hugged him. Later, when out of view from the adults, my 3 year old tried to cuddle his brother, and my 6 year old hit him in the neck.

My 6 year old was walking on the beach, and my 3 year old followed, looking at shells and stones, and then he needed help to get up on a rock, so he stretched out his hand, called for his brother to help, my 6 year old looked at him, and turned his back and walked away. My 3 year old sat down resigned and sobbed.

My 6 year old and the girl, kept asking my 3 year old to move away, go elsewhere, even when he was just happily playing with bucket and spade in the sand next to me.

After 4 days of witnessing my 6 year old repeatedly treat his brother with not just indifference, but contempt, I cannot even bring myself to look at him. My heart is breaking, I feel I have lost something.

I have tried encourage play together, I have tried talking to my six yer old about being nice and treat others the way YOU want to be treated, I have tried divert attention to other things for my 3 year old to play with as some times "big" children just want to play "their" game. But really, there was no activity that my 3 year old could not take part in, except badminton. But even that he did with me, using a smaller racket. He had no issue grasping the rules of Ludo, and we played the game happily, and memory game, and fishing games. Even if he can play all these games, my 6 year old and our 4 1/2 year old friend just wouldnt. My 3 yer old kept asking to play, and they just turned their backs.

My 3 year old adores his older brother, always asks for a treat for him, if I give him something, and he will carry it to him and give him. My 6 year old never does this. If I offer him a treat, he will hurry and eat it before 3 year old realizes and ask for more. (I always ensure they both get the same anyway, so 3 year old does not lose out). My 6 year old cannot STAND it if I buy something for 3 year old, even just a spade or a little plastic animal, and it doesnt matter if HE got a lego set the day before if 3 year old got nothing, he still kicks up a fuss.

If we are in the car and I point out a horse, he huffs and puffs if he did not see it, but 3 year old did see the horse. Equally, if his brother doesnt see the horse, but he did, he is jubilant, saying " Yippi! He did not see it! But I did."

It seems to me now that my 6 year old is a selfish and selfcentered little spoilt child who cant stand his little brother.

I am angry and upset, as I have always treated them both fairly, and with love and respect.

I cant make my 6 year old love his brother, but how can I protect my 3 year old from his brothers hurtful behaviour?

And how can I stop myself from starting to loathe my 6 year old in all this?

Thanks. I shall go get some sleep.

Thank god for this thread, in Mumsnet land I was beginning to think my 4 year old and 20 month old were freaks. There are so many threads/messages saying that siblings are caring/loving towards one another and play together easily. Also aaaaaaaaaaaargh that I can expect the fighting and competitivness for years to come lol.

honestly try the book, QS.

Sorry to hear about your cat and ds's resulting flower complex, Colditz, btw. Oh dear...

I don't know if you can do this qs, but my dd is 3 years older than my ds, there have been a few moments between them, but I go away with my eldest, for a couple of days, to just have one to one time, it is good for me to see her away from home and we get lots of time to talk and I listen to her without having the younger sibling to look after.

I think it is hard being the eldest, I think I can be quite hard on my dd because I expect more of her, I was the youngest in my family (my brothers are 1yr and 2 months and 2 years and 3 months older than me - we never stopped fighting and being very cruel to each other as children).

Don't be hard on yourself.
google sibling rivalry see how many hits you get... it might make you feel you are not alone at least!

Same thing here, Jammi. Only my mother used to intervene deliberately to make us gang up and stop fighting each other. Clever woman, my mum.

Do you see much of your male cousin these days?

I really recommend reading Siblings without Rivalry one of the things that really stands out in it to me is that treating your childre the same/fairly is not always the way to go.

Thank you all. I will read. Today has been much better. I think because it has only been my boys, and not a third child in the equation.

Soon we will move, and the entire street will be filled with DS1s class mates. I have to be prepared for that. And of course, my oldest should not have to drag his younger brother with him everywhere, that is not good for either of them. I guess I had a one week taster of what life may be like after Christmas, and for that insight I am thankful.

Im sure my moterh would say i treated my sister a bit like this (we were 3 years apart too)

Now we are adults (and since about being teenagers) we are VERY close and best of friends

DD1 (nearly 6) looks at DD2 (10 months) with such contempt that it breaks my heart so I can understand how you feel, I have not yet got to the actual stage of her doing anything to DD2 but I am sure when DD2 is old enough, DD1 will pick on her. Unfortunately that is how it is sometimes and I don't actually think there is a lot you can do.

It doesn't mean your DS1 doesn't have feelings of love towards his brother, he is just got used to going through the motion of being mean and doesn't know how to snap out of it.

I take it you spend a lot more time with DS2 because DS1 is in school - maybe get DH to take DS2 out so you and DS1 can have a bit of quality time together, doesn't matter how old they are, they still love time alone with their mum. Take him to somewhere he would really love to go and you will remember what it was about him you loved so much! BUT explain to him that if he continues to be mean to his brother that these nice excursions will not continue. He has to earn them.

Good luck!

i agree with those who've said a) more one-on-one time with ds1, remind yourself of who he is independent of his brother - can you do some kind of "grown up" trip? i took dd1 to london on the train and we did the underground and stuff and it was great for both of us, i was sooo impressed at how well she behaved and her general mood and behaviour improved for a while afterwards too. and then b) don't rely on ds1 including ds2, find him some playmates of his own. and c) try not to take it all to heart - you sound worn down with it. did you have siblings? how were your relationships?

i have this with dd nearly 6 and ds who is nearly 3 but with regular bouts of hair pulling and scratching too, i have to admit when i read your post i thought thank god its not just us!!
It will improve with age Im sure.
Your son just needs extra love and attention i always try to give dd a bit of extra time with just me and dh, she gets a special half hour at bed time when we do something together just us, regardless of how she has behaved during that day, so DS bed at 7 then dd bed at 7.30 after her half hour. We play a game, read or draw or sometimes chat and have a snack i have told her its because she is bigger so gets some extra special time and she loves the fact ds has to go to bed.

Agree with ELR, that bit of time is special to them. I always try and do this with DD1, her mood just lifts when we have had some one on one time together.