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DH has just been offered a job in OZ - feel totally stressed out now

5 replies

kittypower · 08/07/2008 09:17

DH has just been offered an amazing job in OZ, he is really keen to take it and it would be great for his career. It is a new company so it isn't even something we could do for a couple of years to try it out, we would have to commit to it long term. We live about 5 mins from my parents and I am really really close to my family, I see them every day and they totally adore DS. I would like to go to OZ and try it out but I just can't even begin to imagine taking DS away from his grandparents and also me not having the support from them which I rely on quite a bit. I have been travelling and lived away from them loads but now I have DS I really value having them so close. I know in comparison to other people's problems this isn't huge but it is totally taking over and it's all i can think about. I feel totally stressed out and near to tears the whole time just thinking about what to do...

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wannaBe · 08/07/2008 09:45

But it is huge.

I grew up abroad and so for me it would be fantastic. If dh was offered a job in Australia I would leave tomorrow.

But living abroad isn?t for everyone. And if you have significant doubts about it then you need to weigh up the pros and cons and sit down and discuss it before making a final decision.

On the plus side, Australia is a fantastic country, it has a much better climate than here, so consequently the lifestyle is much different, ie outdoor living. Plus moving to a different country will mean you and your ds will experience different things than you would here etc.

But having said all that, the grass isn?t always greener. All countries have their issues, and as many Australians come to live over here as Brits go to live in Australia, so obviously for Australians there is as much insentive to leave as there Is insentive for Brits to go, iyswim?

Also you need to think about how you will find being on your own in another country with no support, ie people who will babysit so you can go out etc. Obviously you will make friends but this does take time, and if your ds is very young it can be daunting being in another country with a young child where you don?t know anyone and can?t just jump in the car and drive down to see a familiar face.

You also need to think of the impact this will have on your ds and his relationship with his extended family. We are fortunate now in that we have email and skype and webcams and all manner of ways of keeping in touch with people that we simply didn?t have when I was growing up which would mean that your ds would be able to talk to his family regularly, but this is not a substitute for real contact and it is very likely that his relationship with his extended family will be different than if he lived somewhere he could see them regularly.

He will not, for instance, grow up with his cousins. He will know who they are obviously but they will just be his cousins living in England and nothing more really.

I grew up in South Africa. I first went to live there when I was a baby but I came back when I was 4 and didn?t go back until I was 9. So I did know my grandparents, and my aunties and uncles, and my cousins. But as soon as I left the UK tat relationship changed and they were just my family in England. The grandparents sent letters and we spoke on the phone and they visited a couple of times, but I certainly never had a close relationship with any of them, not the type of relationship that the rest of my family had.

I now live back in the same town as all the family. My grandparents on my mum?s side of the family are both dead now, but I haven?t seen my nan on my dad?s side for over three years, and some of my cousins I haven?t seen since I left when I was 9, despite the fact we all live In the same town now. The rest I have seen a few times, but most wouldn?t know me if we passed in the street and vice versa.

To me it is as if I have parents but no extended family.

Having grown up like this it wouldn?t really bother me if ds grew up in a different country, because I?ve never known any different. Extended family means nothing to me. But if it?s important to you then it?s something you should consider.

Sorry, this sounds like a really negative post and it isn?t meant to be. You?ve been given a fantastic opportunity, and one which you could quite possibly regret if you don?t take it, but moving abroad is a massive step to take and is one which shouldn?t be taken lightly.

Good luck

Oh and, if your dh doesn't take the job, can mine have it?

Lazza03 · 08/07/2008 10:00

My DH has these "moments" every now and again. I told him last time I'd give it a go for a year and see how it went, if one of us wasn't happy we'd come back. In the end he decided against it and infact we're moving closer to family as London seems a long way from them at the moment (I feel quite isolated here without them). Just because the company is asking your DH to make a long term commitment doesn't mean he actually has to, he can just say he will and you can have a shorter term agreement amongst the two of you.
On the other hand, if you feel so unhappy about it, go with your gut, it's your life and you need to be happy too: DS won't be happy if you're not.

Morloth · 08/07/2008 10:42

We have done this the other way, moved from Sydney to London. I think the thing to remember is that very few things are forever. The hardest part of living overseas is DS missing out on his family.

I know when we went home for Christmas this year he was AMAZED at all these people who look just like him and who love him etc. I don't think he realised that he had such a big family. We moved here when DS was 16mths and he is now 4. Personally I am ready to go home, but we committed for 4 years so will stick it out for another.

We have always travelled, and if the opportunity comes up again we will most likely grab it and run, you just can't beat the way it broadens yours (and the DC's) horizons, you think differently when you rub up against different sorts of people.

Do put a time limit on it though if you don't actually want to move permanently. As I said this stint we committed for 4 years, our previous one in Singapore was for 2 etc.

Grandparents are hard. We are very aware that our parents are not getting any younger and that they are missing out on DS. On the other hand, as wannaBe pointed out, there are webcams/skypes etc - also we are lucky enough that our parents can afford to come visit and we can visit with them so that cuts it down a bit.

Having said all that I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME!!! London/England is all very nice, but it isn't HOME be prepared for homesickness, it hits you out of nowhere and can colour all of your experiences if you are not careful.

Where abouts in Australia is the job?

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Romy7 · 08/07/2008 10:51

I had ds1 in canada when dd1 was 23 months. after a couple of years it was nice to be back home so that the dcs could bond with grandparents etc, but we're off again next year (dcs 8,6,4 now).
huge, but not permanent. i always say to give it two years - if it doesn't work out, at least you won't be wondering what if... how exciting!

Gateau · 08/07/2008 13:43

A great opportunity and great just-about-everything, but please think carefully about the family thing. I know you are already. I am from Ireland and live in England (and that's only a 40 min flight away!!!)and, particularly since having my DS, I miss my family desperately - so much so that I have talked my DH into moving back there.
As one poster said, homesickness hits you out of nowhere and is awful, paticularly as I find it hard to talk about for fear of being thought of as a bit of a baby.

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