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Original poster

Leaving newborn to cry

51 replies

Orissiah · 04/07/2008 20:02

My baby is 4 weeks old. When she is having a particularly difficult time passing wind/gas, she starts crying and even holding her and cradling her in my arms (after trying to wind her, check her nappy etc) doesn't often help so I leave her back in her basket or swing cradle and she keeps crying but eventually settles after 10 minutes or so. She may awake up again and cry and again hokding and cradling her may not work so back she goes into her basket/cradle. It's distressing hearing her cry for 5-10 minutes before she settles back but is it okay to leave her crying for that amount of time? My parents said they left me to cry when holding / walking around didn't work and I eventually settled.

I know leaving to cry is a no no thing these days but really, in reality, have any of you left their baby to cry and self-settle when all else failed?

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springerspaniel · 05/07/2008 14:54

Five minutes of whimpering sounds fine to me.

Twelvelegs · 05/07/2008 14:58

At 4 weeks, no way, sorry .

halogen · 05/07/2008 15:09

If you really need to put her down, maybe sit nearby and rub/pat her tummy gently or talk softly to her so she knows she's not alone?

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MindingMum · 05/07/2008 15:41

Yes, I would

2point4kids · 05/07/2008 15:44

Twelvelegs and others that say no way - do you really hold your babies all the time even if they cry less when you put them down?
I'm all for cuddling my baby and comforting him when he needs it, but if he cries for 5 mins in his bed and then sleeps or cries for half an hour in my arms and then sleeps, I will put him in his bed!
Some babies just like being left alone when they are tired and grumpy. Both mine have been like that!

Twelvelegs · 05/07/2008 16:10

At four weeks I think that a ten minute cry is far too much anxiety for the baby and the parent. It does depend on the cry.

Liz79 · 05/07/2008 19:42

5 minute whimpering as you describe - leave her.

full on bawling - cuddle her

re: 5 mins crying in cot vs 30 mins crying in arms - i'd say the cot wins

lilolilmanchester · 05/07/2008 19:44

we had a fantastic health visitor with DS. She said "you can't spoil a baby til they're 3 months"... 2 children and many years later, I agree with her. We have left both our DCs to cry, when we knew they were trying it on and just wanted a cuddle rather than going to sleep. But would never have done so at 4 weeks.

juuule · 06/07/2008 11:03

I agree that "you can't spoil a baby" but I'd say that's true even past 3m.

I wouldn't leave a baby/child to cry that was crying for a cuddle.

I would leave a 4week old if it was apparant that leaving alone was what s/he wanted (became calmer very quickly if put down).

lackaDAISYcal · 06/07/2008 11:27

Never a newborn, no. babies of that age cry for a reason as it's their only way of communicating their distress to you. Could be colic and things like swaddling, massage, slings are well proven methods for getting a bit of relief.

Obviously if you are getting to the end of your tether than leaving the baby to cry for five or ten minutes while you calm down is the better option, but certainly not any longer or as a long term regular thing.

It will get better

gagarin · 06/07/2008 11:35

IMO you are not "leaving her" though are you? Not in the way people on here normally mean it. You are not putting her down and thinking "this will teach you something" which i agree is not suitable for a 4 week old.

You are not "leaving her to cry" - you are listening, alert and vigilant and have tried everything. You have found out that leaving her alone to settle herself sometimes works so you are learning what she needs.

What if she's the sort of baby who just doesn't want to be always stroked, pulled about,touched and jigged? What if she's the sort of person who is going to like quietly relaxing on her own?

You are doing just fine because you are listening to her and getting to know what she wants.

juuule · 06/07/2008 11:36

Orissiah has said that it's not proper crying

"I didn't mean full on crying - I would never leave her crying like that - I meant listless crying/whimpering for just 5 minutes or so."

Just sounds a bit unsettled to me and so leaving would be okay.

bubblagirl · 06/07/2008 11:39

have you tried gripe water we put ds in moses basket and propped head of moses basket up it helped loads with helping to bring up wind

we did leave to whimper if he was to distessed being cuddled but he used to like being layed over my legs on a blanket with warm hot water bottle underneath and rocked back and forth this helped ease his belly ache and helped bring up wind

found gripe water was only thing that helped ease his wind

but if your not leaving to scream then its fine to leave to cry we did this at night from around 9 weeks to help with night routine but never left to scream and carried on patting rocking and laying on hot water bottle if clearly still windy

if after feeding cant get all wind up i was advised to leave sitting for 10 m ins and winding afer every ounce fed

Egg · 06/07/2008 11:41

When my DTs were littler I used to leave them to cry to sleep as often had no option (ie feeding the other one / feeding / bathing etc DS1). They would settle a lot quicker than if someone else was here and kept picking them up every time they cried. It just prolonged it. And yes I did leave them to cry from as young as 4 weeks. It meant I didn't have the nightmare of them not being able to settle themselves like I did with DS1.

lackaDAISYcal · 06/07/2008 11:41

agree, whimpering isn't crying and it sounds like you are doing OK.

there are various over the counter rememdies for wind if that's the problem, or keeping baby upright after feeds.

juuule · 06/07/2008 11:52

Oh egg, that made me smile.I didn't mean full on crying - I would never leave her crying like that - I meant listless crying/whimpering for just 5 minutes or so.

My first ds we picked up, ran to at the least sound and he wouldn't settle himself to sleep.
Along comes ds2. Bit of a whimperer but cry not that insistent so I'd leave him to self settle while I dealt with still demanding ds1. Thought to myself that I had this baby thing sorted. Obviously we pandered too much to ds1 as a baby and so ended up with demanding child.
Then.. along comes dd1...oh my goodness did she upset the applecart. Her scream was ear-piercing. There was no way she could be left to self settle. She was just as demanding of instant attention as ds1.

Needless to say my theories went out the window at that point and I realised each child needs whatever it needs.

juuule · 06/07/2008 11:53

Don't know where that came from again on the first line?

Egg · 06/07/2008 12:12

Juule, must be honest my DD (one of DTs) is a big crier. Now they are almost 6 months she sometimes wakes up too early from a nap etc and sobs and sobs, but if I pick her up and bring her down she still sobs as she is still tired, so I just have to ignore her so she sleeps more. I figure if she is not hungry, dirty nappy, got wind etc and is still sobbing while I try to hold her, she can cry in her cot and go back to sleep rather than stop me getting on MN tidying up / doing chores / playing with DS1 etc.

I swear girls are way more high maintenance.....

juuule · 06/07/2008 12:18

Lazza03 · 06/07/2008 20:14

Hi. I really think at 4 weeks she shouldn't be left to cry. She is crying for a reason. My daughter had terrible colic and infacol worked a dream, it took a few days to work properly. She needs cuddles and to feel secure. BTW. I did leave mine to cry after 9 months, so I am not totally against it. Just not so young. Good luck.

MsDemeanor · 07/07/2008 09:10

Sometimes the 'reason' is that they are tired and need to get themselves off to sleep like that. You wouldn't understand unless you had a child like that yourself, but it's not that uncommon. Hold them and they wail like banshees for hours, put them down and they whinge for five - ten minutes and then sleep. Really, what is best?

WinkyWinkola · 07/07/2008 09:12

Not at such a young age, MsDemeanour. I have to disagree with you there.

ChairmumMiaow · 07/07/2008 09:29

DS is nearly 6 months and I still won't leave him to cry unless I really have to go to the loo or to put him down to put the sling on. I just can't do it.

Sometimes he needed walking around rather than just holding / patting, and the sling was great for that.

Egg · 07/07/2008 10:14

MsDemeanour that definitely was how it was for my DD (and still is often). She rarely goes to sleep without a little cry first, whereas her twin brother, who has been given the exact same upbringing so far, just lies there kicking about a bit and nods off. Usually when he cries, I know something is actually "wrong", whereas DD just cries a bit while she settles down. If I picked her up every time she cried the other two kids would have been neglected for 6 months.

juuule · 07/07/2008 10:15

If they need walking around/patting/holding/cuddling and settle from that then that's what should be done. If they are not settling from that but will settle quickly if put down, then that's what should be done.

And once again the op is not talking about upset or distressed crying
"I didn't mean full on crying - I would never leave her crying like that - I meant listless crying/whimpering for just 5 minutes or so"

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