Wondering if my son has a Special Need, or Behavioural Problems, or just immature for his age, and how to find out?

[QuintessentialShadows]

He is 6. He is generally a very good and smart boy, doing well with his school work, is gentle and kind to his brother, considerate of other friends, has a great sense of humour, can sit still and concentrate for long periods of time. BUT.

I have problems getting through to him. It is very difficult to get him to do what he is told and "understand" reasons why we cannot do as he wants but differently. On a daily basis I struggle with tantrums that surpasses those my 3 year old throws by far.

If I ask him to put his plate in the dishwasher, he does it no problem. If I ask him to put his nintendo on the shelf when finnished with it, he does it.

On saturday his brother threw a scarf at my face when driving (sitting next to my oldest son) and they were both lectured how they have to sit quietly in the back and not throw things at the driver. On Monday my oldest throws a toy dog at me from the back of the car, he is told off. And next thing his brother throws a stone he has found. My oldest said he had forgotten about saturday and forgot he should not throw.

Yesterday we were out walking around a lake a couple of hours with a friend and her two boys. When I told my son we had to go home after we had finnished the walk and not stay to play because we were expecting a furniture delivery, he sat down on the street crying and refused to come. I had to leave him on the pavement on a busy road, and just hoped he would se sense. He did, but continued to whine and cry and was hitting about saying he wasnt coming home. He ran off up to a playground we passed on the way, and I had to drag him off it. The next playground was by the carpark, and he ran off into the woods when I told him we had to go. I cant understand why he should behave like this. I had given him a pretty good reason why we couldnt stay, but nevertheless his behaviour continued.

My dh bought a tiny Ee-pc (laptop the size of two nintendo ds) that he intended to use for travel. He let our son use it to get lego instructions online and play some games. He kept leaving it on the floor, despite me repeatedly asking him to put it up on the shelf when he had finnished. He didnt. Now, I understand it is my dhs fault for letting him use it, and my fault for not immediately confiscating it the first time he left it on the floor. And I would be dumb to trust a child with this track record for doing as he is told. So today, he left it on the floor and our youngest in a fit threw a toycar at random and smashed to pc.

I am devastated. Not just about the pc, but every day there are issues with his behaviour. His previous school in London said they had some problems not just getting him to do as he was told, but to stop "silly behaviour" once he started.

I just cant understand if he is just an absent minded and willful 6 year old, or if it is more to it.

It is summerholidays here now, but I wonder if I should talk to the teacher and get him assessed for whatever.

NJM, he was a complex little child. He had health issues due to his tummy problems (that resulted in the emergency appendectomy just before his fourth birthday), always tummy ache, serious iron deficient aenemia due to him not wanting to eat (other than rice pudding and youghurt). He did not take well to living in India and stopped eating alltogether, I think he missed home. So we returned early. He wasnt very active, playing quietly with puzzles. Not very happy, quite whiney, and sometimes as a tornado of bad behaviour around the house. (Miracle we decided to go for number 2) But his behaviour got a lot better from 4 years of age, or starting school. Or is that because I suddenly spent less time with him?
The problems are only pronounced when I have him home. Goodness knows what he does in school, but I have had no complaints.

maybe I can phone up and just have a talk with the council mental health team (it is possible here), I dont think his behaviour is normal for his age.

You could ask the teacher for him to be referred to the ed psy. It does sound though that he has been through a lot and it is likely that it is a reaction to that. But it does sound like he could really use some help.

again,.. just going on your post, he sounds any other 6yr old boy to me. Both mine (now 7&8) repeatedly , leave things lying around, forget to not throw balls in the house, wash their hands, brush their teeth..... both of them can be very silly, it's just recognising when to nip it in the bud.
As for the playground, that's just wilful determination and at 6 I think you might be asking a bit much for him to process the good reason in his mind
I can't really see any problems with his behaviour in your op. Maybe your 3 yr old is just very easy?

My 6yo dd is perfectly capable of this sort of behaviour. Though at school her behaviour is absolutely perfect, she's a total teacher's pet.

In the last few weeks she has hit DP while he was driving the car, she has run away and hidden while we've been out. She throws things and hits and kicks and scratches her sisters (to be fair, the others do this too). All of them are seen at school, preschool etc as being rather or very well behaved.

I wouldn't see this behaviour as needing any sort of professional assesment. Just a fairly wilful 6yo having a bad phase.

I agree with dashboardconfessionals and ingles2. He sounds like a fairly typical 6 year old boy to me (well, the ones that I know)

DS1 is very much like this and although his teachers say he can be hard work at school, they have certainly ruled out any 'issues'.

Not sure that I would say he is 'naughty', but that he is reacting in ways very age typical for some boys.

Oh and when I say hard work at school, I mean not concentrating (again another typical trait in young boys).

Afraid he sounds a typical 6 yo to me. I wouldn't trust a 6yo to remember to put the laptop away: I would either check it immediately or not let him have it in the first place. In fact, I would make sure he only had it on a table, under adult supervision; it is so easy for him to get up in a hurry (needing the loo or whatever) and accidentally tread on it. I wouldn't even discipline him for this, just keep more of an eye on him.

Throwing things sounds naughty rather than abnormal, so some suitable discipline but no cause for concern.

Stropping when he can't go to the park- again, perfectly normal. Pretend not to hear whingeing. Discipline if he actually does something naughty (like hitting or screaming rude words). But do not discipline for being in a bad mood as such- we all are from time to time!

A bit of sympathy can head off problems from the start ("yes, I do know it's annoying, love, but I'm afraid we'll have to put up with it today").

Very likely that he is jealous of little brother, perfectly normal stage in development. Let him do a little regressing if he needs it and then briskly point him back in the right direction.

I don't know what exact concerns the school are flagging up, but the things you describe are not very different from what I still see remnants of in my 8-year-old and what seemed pretty day to day behaviour 2 years ago. As somebody said, we'd all be down the psychologist's.

So if this is normal behaviour (I was only giving examples from the last couple of days, not going back further) how on earth do I curb it?

I wish I could leave him at home when we go out, as fighting with him just to get him to get dressed and arguing about whether he should come our not (as he always refuses outings, even to the park, or playground, to play with friends) makes me frazzled even before we leave the house.

No, my 3 year old is not particularly easy.

I am at my wits end with all of this, and I just want to sit down and cry.

No, I dont want him to have a syndrome, but if he has one, it would of course alter the way I deal with him. I am hoping it would excuse/explain his behaviour a little.

I wish I had an answer for you Quint but I don't other than it gets better. my 7.1 ds2, was a nightmare to get dressed and out of the door until about 3 months ago. I used to hate going anywhere with him, because it was such an ordeal and we hadn't even left the house. I just stuck very firmly to, we are going in 5 minutes, 1 minute, 5 seconds to get your shoes on, countdown...oh well we're not going to the park now...and stuck to it. It does sink in .....at bit....eventually. plenty of warning and competition with his brother seemed to help.

I have been at my wits end with my 6yo sometimes recently for this sort of behaviour.

What works with her, in the longer term. Is very firm boundaries. Incentives to better behaviour. Not tolerating the bad behaviour. Making sure she's not too tired. etc. all the normal parenting stuff.

for example this week the dds are keen to earn money for the school fete tommorrow. Every time they are good in a set way (go to bed without being naughty, get up and dressed and breakfasted without fuss, etc) they get 10p. Every single time they hit a sister or throw something or refuse to do something they lose a 10p.

my 6yo has lost a lot of 10ps. But she is very keen to have money for the fete and she is working quite hard to gain the 10ps. so she is being much better this week. thank goodness.

I guess I am a bad parent, and we all have a bad phase then.

Thanks for your responses.

I shall go and see if I can book a holiday, as I am sick and tired of living with our parents, and much as I love them, I am knackered from all the housework, and the insanity of the ridiculous dinner arrangements. They eat dinner at 14.00. Too close to our usual lunchtime, too late to be instead of lunch. Too crowded for me to make lunch and clean up after lunch and then for my mum to make dinner for her and dad, and then for us to cook tea around 4 pm. It is ok now that it is schoolholidays, and my oldest can eat early and not when he is back from school 4 pm. I just give them a snack around 11. Juggling this is a nightmare, and today it is worse than ever as my dad wanted to come and see the diggers at our plot, and we agreed mum should dress him after she had been shopping (today she insisted on doing the shopping) but she didnt, instead she started cooking dinner. So she wouldnt dress dad so he could go, as she was already in the middle of cooking a complicated meal, and she got stroppy because it was mentioned, and dad got stroppy because nothing he wanted to do was important. There wouldnt be time to go back and forth, and later after dinner and nap the diggers would have finnished for the day, so too late. I went down to check my email, just to come back up and find that she had not cooked enough for us, she left 2/3rd of food uncooked, had only cooked for herself and dad, so no dinner for me and my children and my sister and her dd who is visiting for holidays. We share cooking. Sometimes I spend nearly the whole day doing lunch, dinner, and then tea and then supper for my kids. It is a nightmare when your parents turn into some old martyrs who have to get their own backs by not sticking to arrangements and then not cooking dinner for all when it has been arranged. I dont know how to cook the fish that is now in the fridge. She is now sulking that I fed the kids sandwiches for dinner rather than cooking whatever meal she had planned but I dont know how to make. Just 6 months more of this. I hope my mental state can handle it.

How do you curb it? Well, you are looking at a longterm process.

First of all, avoid situations where you are almost setting him up to fail. Like the one with the laptop. Just don't let him be responsible for things he can't handle. And if you have made a mistake along these lines, accept that it was yours and not his.

Don't let him have toys in the car unless he can show that he can remember. Put a tape on instead- or get them to do a singsong.

For getting him out of the door, countdowns are good as Ingles says. Making sure he knows exactly what is expected of him when. Racing him, talking him. Chat to him while he is getting ready. Make jokes. Take the heat out of the situation.

If you expect him not to grumble because you have explained good reasons why he can't have his will, then you are probably expecting more from him than you do from yourself. Or do you never grumble about life being unfair? Mumsnet is full of adults grumbling non-stop because good reasons get in the way of us doing what we want! We can release steam here- he has to do it at home. So by all means, ask him not to whinge- but let him have a good grumble from time to time.

The most important thing is to switch off emotionally. Just accept that for the next few months you may sometimes have to manhandle him into his clothes. Do it as neutrally as you can. Look into middle space and hum a little tune. Tell yourself it is nothing worrying and that it will get better. Reward him (if only with praise) whenever he does come straightaway.

And when you are walking along, make sure you talk to him. I know it's exhausting, but it's the best insurance policy against bad behaviour, if you can get him to look on your (necessary) walks as precious Mummy time, when he will have your attention.

You are not a bad parent. Children, including strong minded 6yos, can be very hard. Ours has had me in tears lately. I did start wondering if there was something actually wrong with her.

Though I am certain that there isn't.

But she was just impossible for much of the last month.

and as for difficult parents, don't get me started on them... don't blame yourself.

Cross-posted with OP. Sounds very stressful! I'm not surprised both you and ds are reacting to this. He is probably acting up a lot more because he senses the stress, and you probably wouldn't worry so much about his behaviour if you were on your own in a more relaxed state. Lots of hugs and sympathy.

Thanks guys. Dh also says I am overreacting and there is nothing wrong with our boy. Just normal for a six year old boy and "give the kid a break".

Shall try go into relaxed and cuddly mummy mode....