Appropriate consequence? Prevent me from being too harsh please...

[MarmadukeScarlet]

Last night I came out of my bedroom at 11pm to get a drink, I saw a blue-ish light from DD's (aged 8.5) room for a second.

I switched her main light on and she was pretending she was asleep, but I told her I knew she was pretending.

She sat up, I thought she had been reading under covers with a torch, but she was playing her DS. She said she'd been doing it since lights out at 8pm (we were late due to swimming)! She said she'd only done it last night and this. Last week she stayed in my bed as she was feeling poorly and the next day I found it by the side and asked her, she told me she didn't know how it got there and it wasn't her I explained that no one else would have put it there and she eventually 'fessed up.

We have a zero tolerance policy to lying (my brother is a pathological liar and thief, my parents never mentioned his outrageous untruths and stealing and in my mind condoned it by not confronting him). I am not a smacker or shouter.

I told my dd calmly that I was disappointed in her and that I know felt that as she had lied to me, so I couldn't believe it was just those 2 nights and this was probably happening more.

What makes me cross is that she has dyspraxia, which is so much worse when she is tired, so I end up sticking up for her with her teachers telling them in good faith that her lights were out by 7.30pm.

Also recently I have taken her in to school lat a few times as she has seemed so exhausted and was beating myself up as I chosen a school with a long day (8.20an until 4.30pm not including clubs) thinking it was too much for her, have even kept her off a few days.

After the event where I found it in my room I gave it back to her and asked her not to play it at bedtime, I trusted her to do this as usually she is so good and (rather too) honest! I have now taken it away and said we will have to chat later about when she can have it back and if she can still have treats like going swimming twice a week (with our fab fun new AP and she really wants to do this)etc

Should I remove some treats or just control when she can have the (damned) DS?

I would remove the DS from her room completely and she can't have it back until she can prove she won't play it after lights out. Maybe let her have it back to play in awake time after 2-3days?

My ds would do the same every night if it was up to him with his psp.

I just take it off him at lights out time and hide it.

I'd probably stop her playing with her ds for 1 week as a punishment for lying

Control when she can have the DS and def make sure you have it when she goes to bed because "you can't trust her yet" would be my approach.

control when she has the (damned) DS.

but do make sure she relises that you have no option because you are so very disappointed she cannot be trusted.

a bit of disappointment in a usually trustworthy child often works better than 'stick' here.

realises

If it were my ( and it was once) my DC would not be getting DS back until they had earnt it.
Thats not too harsh - it is perfectly rational. She has DS, she misuses DS, she lies, Ds is taken away.
Seems really straightforward to me.

It is ahrd to punish but they genuinely do then learn that their behaviour has consequences and that reduces the chances that you will have to punish again inthe future.

Thanks for the speedy replies.

I will probably go for the week as I am a mean mummy!

Apart from the lying I wouldn't be so cross, but trying to get her ready for school is like pulling teeth and she is all ratty and grumpy.

She was up and at 'em this am and had layed the table before I was downstairs!

Sounds like my son! He apologises for past misdemeanors or tells me I look pretty and then a couple of minutes later asks for something. I am sure he thinks I don't know what he is up too!

absoultely don;t use removal of exercsie like swimming as a punishment. Agree with the control of DS instead

I would take the DS away entirely for a couple of weeks and then let her have it only for half an hour or so at a time (you keeping it the rest of the time) until further notice.

I wouldn;t target the treats, TBH.

oh, and no more late mornings! i'd be telling her that she can go to bed earlier if she can't get up for school on time.
(not entirely unsympathetic as dd2 haas cp, but i'd be livid if i'd bee keeping her off school for being tired, and found out she'd been up half the night playing!)
no more guilt trip, but def zero tolerance!

Hi MDS
my ds's would do this given half the chance. I go up at 9pm and remove the ds's, make sure lights and cds are switched off. I think I would repeat your disappointment, tell her that she can't have the ds at bed time for the rest of the week, make sure she's in bed earlyish tonight and control the ds in future

Agree with Romy she is upset with the disappointment.

Pagwatch and McD, also agree needs to earn my trust and her Ds back - but in a softly softly fashion. Getting up first and laying the breakfast table was a great start!

Last night I had lots of ideas about removing all the books from her room, as she often reads under the covers with a torch, just to make her room more boring and a place for SLEEP! But think I will just got with no DS for a week, then sometimes in day if she has started earning my trust and not in her room for a while longer.

It's such a shock tbh, not used to defiance!

Maybe she was a bit relieved you'd caught her. They can be pretty addictive, those DS games (as I know from personal experience, sadly!)

dd1 (8) wants one for christmas as we are such dinosaurs that there are none yet in this house...
think i'll go for them being kept in the dvd cupboard rather than bedrooms lol!

Of course softly softly Marmaduke
It isn't about being mean.
My Ds1 would always be mortified when he was punished like this and he would really focus on winning back our trust.
But he is 15 now and i am glad we were clear about the rules because he so rarely needed to be punished.
i think if punishment was something we faffed about at and he could easily talk us out of he would have been a bit more keen to see what he could get away with.
I guess what I am saying is I didn't bring him up with strict unreasonable rules but they were clear and they always were enforced - so he always knew where he was with us.

OK Romy no more soft Mummy lie ins and no more guilt trips.

I will still allow swimming, as advised, they are proper 'swim lessons' rather than all play.

itati, she writes me little notes saying how much she loves me.

Hello ingles I go in at 8pm usually for a last kiss and check she isn't reading, but I don't check under the covers and she obviously heard me coming and hid it - the minx! Full pat down from now on!

Thanks all for advice.

Thank you pagwatch, I didn't for one minute think you were suggesting being mean.

I have definate boundaries which have been consistent from her toddlerhood, hence rarely having to tell off or punish her - she just seems to stay within our expectations behaviourwise.

I have higher expectations of behaviour than many of my friends, so think I may be slightly more strict than many.

I would just take it off her at the times I didn't want her to have it.

I'd also give her a talk about lying and how we need to be able to trust each other. That if you are found to be lying it's difficult to be believed afterwards and that's not a good situation to be in if you really do need to be believed about something.