I am not coping well with DS1 atm. I have just broken down in front of him

[Pinkchampagne]

He has been awful over the last few days. Everything is a struggle with him & he can't just do anything. He has to be told several times to do the simplest of tasks like getting dressed etc, and then I go up & check & he has just socks on and is reading a book or something.
He is also constantly back chatting & seems to have no respect for me at all.

Last night we had a really bad night & he was very rude when I tried to discipline him (he will be 9 in Sept), so I took a load of his Captain Underpants books away & put them up high. I said he could earn them back when he started behaving, which led to him having a screaming tantrum, calling me stupid, mean etc.

This morning I am struggling with him being rude again, and I can't take much more. I live here alone with the boys & sometimes it all gets too much. I have broken down in front of the boys, which I know isn't right & doesn't show them I am strong. I am struggling so much & not enjoying being a mum right now. I am not doing a good job & I need help.

I know how frustrating this can be - DS1 who is 16 is still like this. (Although he has stopped tantrumming! Usually just swears under his breath, I think!)

You need to tackle him away from the point of confrontation when you have both calmed down. It was probably a shock and upsetting for him to see you cry, so you should capitalise on that.

Sit him down today and talk about what happened yesterday, and explain that the things you are asking him to do are important, (it's also your house so your rules), and that his consistent refusal to listen to you/obey him is making you very upset. You could also consider talking about how hard it is to do it on your own, but I don't know how much you want to play this card.

He then needs to agree that he will do what you ask and when you do it.

It might also be worth looking at the areas where you are coming to blows or having problems, and asking yourself "does it matter?" For example, I would be much more relaxed about the dcs rooms being messy, but it really upsets DH, so we are very consistent about this and are not prepared to let them get away with it.

Sometimes we can end up in a battle with our children on a point of principle - but if that point isn't really that important, you can let yourself relax things a little bit.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, but hope you get my drift!

Sounds really hard Pinkchampagne, specially being on your own. Have a {{{{hug}}}} and a cyber glass of something (yes I know it's only half eight but the sun's always over the yard arm in cyberspace!!!). And at the risk of sounding like a broken record (have recommended this on other threads) get on play or amazon and order 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. It is really amazing and most of the suggestions are fairly easy to implement. (Just looked it's £8.49 on play with free p&p).

Mornings have always been a struggle in our family. The one thing that I have found helps a little is to follow a very strict plan:

7.30 First call. All they have to do is wake up.

7.45 Second call. I put clothes on their beds and they are expected to start getting dressed. (dd is disabled, hence my getting their clothes out- but it also saves wear and tear on our nerves)

8.00 I check that they are in fact getting dressed; if not they get told (pleasantly but briskly) to get on with it.

8.10 I expect to see them down for breakfast. If not, this is where nagging starts.

8.20 last chance of getting any breakfast

8.40 we leave the house

This still gives me quite a bit of time for Mumsnetting in the mornings when dd is not too bad with her joint pains. And I don't have to start getting irritated before 8.10, since all the previous calls were part of the plan, so I feel I have some control. And it still gives me 20 minutes to shout like a fishwife if that should be required.

PC, let me reassure that if there was a second adult in the house your ds1 would be diverting his wrath into playing you off against each other, because that's what mine is doing at the mo.
Backchat, dreaminess...sounds very familiar.
Do remember too that at this time of year, the nights are short, the evenings long and light, by Year 4 they expect to be able to watch key footie even if it is a school night...the school year is drawing to a close.
I think many of us could have written your last sentence. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT!

I have found the following strategies have worked OK in recent days:

Find a time, if possible, when it is just you and him (does ds2 do any activities solo like Beavers etc?)

Pour yourselves both a drink of choice, try and make him feel you are having a meeting that you will both contribute to

Draft an agreed contract of reasoned essentials (ours includes latest bedtime for school nights and weekends, screen time, household chores). Get him to take ownership of the outcome and make him discuss the pros and cons of any diverging opinions.

Once you both agree, then tell him what, if any incentive you propose if he sticks to his side of the bargain. I suggested extra Wii time at weekends and that was snaffled with alacrity.

The other thing that I have noticed always winds ds right up is his dad's well-meaning tendency to be on his case on school mornings. He reminds him several times to do the same thing and quite trivial matters escalate very upsettingly for all concerned.

While I know it is enraging to see a little boy mooning about in his room with a bare arse and one sock on, I consistently find that telling him if he wants breakfast and not to have to walk down the street in the nude he has to be downstairs and ready to roll at 7.40, just once, firmly, works. Does your ds1 wear a watch? Remind him to keep an eye on it and then leave him to it. Then I call up, once, at 7.40, and...he is there, sort of dressed, usually.

Don't forget to explicitly appreciate his helpfulness and good attitude when he gets it right. When they are this horrid it is sometimes easy to overlook the fact that some of the time they do as they are asked!

HTH

PS if he gives you the bird about what his dad lets him do/get away with, just say, My Gaff, My Rules, sonny.

Marina has good point about nagging in the morning. In fact, when I think about it the point of my plan is that it stops me ( a somewhat obsessive can't-possibly-be-late person) from going into nagging mode straightaway. So the principle is the same, though I speak to them several times and she only the once. For me, it has the effect of making it less personal: we're moving away from "how can you be so disrespectful and not do as I told you?" to "it's 8.10; you know what you should be doing at 8.10". Anything that takes the pressure off and makes it less emotional is good IME.

Ooh, Pinkchampagne, I so know what you mean. We are having quite a difficult time with DS1 at the moment, who is just about to turn 9.

I think Marina's suggestions sound really good.

I find I am constantly having to deal with DH going over the top with DS1 which is not helpful .

I think my boys are all pretty tired too and DS1 has suffered badly with hayfever which (I know from personal experience) makes one's temper short.

You are not a bad parent. But our boys are I think at a tough age.

Thank you all - there are some really good suggestions here that I will give a try. I don't want to be the horrible parent all the time. His dad says he never shouts at them, but I know he uses other ways to scare them, like threatening to send them to a naughty school. I try to reassure them as best I can that this would never happen.

It is a tough age & DS1 has always been quite a frustrating child, but he has difficulties. He is a hard child to reason with, but when he calms down he can be lovely & is very loving.
I like the idea of the little meeting, Marina. I think I will give that a try!

I do have that book, HBM, but have only read a little of it. I also bought "Siblings without rivalry", and if that one works it will be nothing short of a miracle!!