My 6 year old angel is being bullied - please help.

[Victoria72]

My 6 year old son is being bullied at school by a boy in his class. The boy is preventing my beautiful boy from playing with the other boys (there are 10 boys in his class and 19 girls). As a result he is playing mostly with girls and as such losing out a little inasmuch as he?s desperate to play ?tag? and other games but this little runt won?t let him. He pinches him, pulls his hair and pushes him over. My son won?t retaliate ? it?s not in his nature. He has a sound sense of what?s right and wrong and he doesn?t want to be told off by the teachers. It?s turning him moody and it?s making him feel ?useless? and ?not good enough?. We have spoken to the boy?s mother and she said she?d talk to him. We?re also talking to the teachers. Any other advice anyone might have? It is breaking my heart and my husband?s. I wish he would just punch him on the nose and put him in his place but it?s not in my son?s nature. Also, any books anyone can suggest - both for me to read and to read to my son? Thanks VERY much for any advice offered.

victoria, sorry to hear what's happening to your DS. He sounds a lovely little boy.

I can't speak from experience, but just wanted to bump your thread up so it doesn't go unanswered.

What has the teacher said to you?

Oh I know how awful this kind of thing is. It is really very hard, isn't it? What are the teachers doing to tackle the problem? Anything at all? Is this boy only acting in this way towards your ds or towards other dc too?

One thing you could try to do is actively strengthen your ds' friendships with other boys in the class by inviting them round often. It would be good if he went into the breaks with one or two other boys rather than going down alone because hewould be less of a target. In the same vein, perhaps he could sit next to one of those boys during class.

Do think this type of thing needs to be nipped in the bud before it becomes a habit for this boy to treat your ds this way.

I had to take my dd out of school because it got out of hand with one boy in her class - bit like this and the school wouldn't tackle it at all. Bl* useless German schools. I would keep speaking to the teacher.

What is the school doing about it ?

My dd was being bullied earlier this term and I asked the school to handle it - I wrote to her class teacher setting out exactly what effect it was having on her and saying exactly what I had been toold (by her friend - not by her) was being said and done. The school was marvellous - had one to one meetings with the girls involved, then a meeting with my dd plus the girls individually - made the bullies understand what they were doing was wrong and upsetting, made them apologise, spoke to their parents and held a special assembly and several circle times about being kind and including everybody.

Your school should be doing this too - have they taken your words seriously ?

I had words a few times and nothing was done - but the instant they got my letter they sprang into serious action - almost as if they needed written evidence !

Six year olds don't necessarily understand that what they are dointg is bullying and the teachers can explain this to them and make them see how their bahaviour is affecting your son.

I can't stress strongly enough - make the school deal with it !

My friend has this same problem Victoria, it was so hard for her. Her little boy too was a quiet unassuming lad, he wouldn't retaliate back and you are right, it is not in his nature so he will certainly not bop him on the nose! (although it would certainly put the bully in his place).

Unfortunately she ended up having to remove her DS from the school and it was the best thing she did. Not saying you should do this but unfortunately, it sometimes has to be done for your child to get on.

You definitely need to go in and speak to the Head, your child should not be suffering like this.

Let the school know that this is happening, he is six years old and iIMO there shouldn't be time and space for bullying at school. Sounds like too little supervision. I would invite lots of boys around and never the bully. There is a bully in my dss class and we have told my ds that he is jealous and empowered my ds with things that he can do that's better than the bully.....seems to work.

I have this problem a little too. Ds is 5. He is not angelic and can be loud and agressive but he is not mean. Another child is doing exactly the same to him. I have dealt with this by inviting the other child round to tea and trying to create an environment where he and ds can interact nicely together. This has worked up to a point but the problem has not completely gone away. I have also identified other children in the class who do not like this boy and am encouraging ds to be friends with them. However, I have ultimately come to the conclusion that while I can help a little, I cannot solve the problem for ds and I can do best by teaching him strategies to deal with this child.

Thanks so much for your replies. My husband (he?s a SAHD) is talking to the teacher tomorrow. They are normally quite proactive when it comes to these issues to I?m hoping something will come out of it. We have started inviting boys over after school but there?s only really one or two he wants to come. Because this bully is part of a group of boys, he doesn?t seem to want to invite any of them even though, he says, he is the only one doing the bullying and it?s only to my son. This boy is the youngest of three kids, the parents had a nasty divorce and the husband takes him to wrestling matches! Amazing. I know the mum battles but quite frankly, it?s only my boy I care about. I feel so sorry for him. Hope I can help before it becomes a bigger issue. I will write if nothing seems to come of it but I have heard that in these instances the school does take it seriously. The more I think about it the angrier I get. I might even suggest to the mum that I have a word with her son but that might upset her. What a nightmare.

Ask for a meeting with the school. You need to have your concerns heard, and your DS needs to hear from his teachers that he is not 'useless' - and that they do take the problem seriously.

A friend's DS (6) was at the point of refusing to go to school over being bullied. His class teacher sat him and the bully down and told the bully, in front of his victim, that this behaviour was not acceptable and would not be tolerated.

Interestingly, the biggest change was in the victim - who bounced out of school that day full of confidence because "Mrs X has fixed it" - and because he honestly believes that he can now (still, months later) face down the bully.

Goosey Loosey
Any advice on strategies? Any books that might be helpful.

Realy would advise you not to deal directly with the parents - I have seen that go pear shaped too many times. The school should be handling it - and if the teacher doesn't you write to or see the head - if still no joy you take it further - there is a great website with model letters and tells you what to do exactly - www.bullying.co.uk I think

I was wondering if the mother is approachable? It would a brave but very effective thing to do, I have watched the mother of bully at my dss school and she seems to like the fact he's a big alpha male.... so no good there.

x posted with scatter

Well not only that - but how would you feel if you found out another mother had told your angel off for being mean to her child ? You would no doubt feel that she was out of order - I know I would - and that's why I would warn you off that course of action.

You've talked to the mum already, I certainly wouldn't suggest to her that you have a word with her son. The people who are best placed to sort this out are the teachers. I know it's hard but you need to sit tight and let them sort it out. Hope your DH has success with this.

Not read any books. The things I have done are as follows:

1. Worked really hard to tell ds that it is not a reflection of him but of the boy who is excluding him.

1. Tried to create a relationship with this boy outside school.

1. Invent as many interesting playground activities as I can so that people will want to play ds's games. Ds is now an expert at bug finding and identifying and den building (which are skills in great demand in his playground).

1. Tell him to ask the other children in the game of tag etc. if he can play. This actually works quite well and on occasion I have seen the result that the other child who wants to exclude ds gets ignored.

1. I have also tried to work out what problem this boy has with ds and have concluded that it is because they are the loudest 2 in the class and compete for attention. I have therefore encouraged ds to let this child have a chance to speak before he leaps in (which he should do anyway!).

None of it is easy and I do so feel for you and your dh.

1. Leave the boy in question alone as much as possible as they wind each other up.

None of it works miraculously but it does all help a little.

Our ex school did not one thing about it Victoria: "They're dc after all and they need to let off steam" Some of the things she went through were quite a lot worse than your ds so far Victoria but it all starts somewhere doesn't it and she was only 6 too. Wish with hindsight, I had taken her out of that school immediately.

I so hate German schools, in case you hadn't noticed. I think you're luckier in that UK schools have anti-bullying policies and expect to have to deal with this kind of problem when it arises. Having already spoken to the class teacher, could you not hand in a letter now, setting out the problem, saying you are very concerned and asking for a meeting with the head and class teacher to discuss how to tackle it.

Can't they have "golden rules" for class behavour up in the classroom or soemthing like that? Say 5 simple rules for how to deal with other members of the class. The teacher explains them, they all discuss it, those rules, for instance : being inclusive, not saying unkind things; not hurting each other physically, etc can be brought up now and again till it sinks in and the whole class is likely to react against bullying. I think that is just so blindingly obvious common sense, I cannot understand why they don't all just do that with dc of this age BEFORE problems arise.

Ok, I heed your advice. Not being particularly PC I am rather anxious to take charge and get it dealt with, but you are right. I shall let the school deal with it and in the interim try to boost by son's confidence and try to suggest ways in which he can deal with it. Failing that, I shall find a pool of mud and shove...! JOKE. Scatterbrain - thanks, I shall have a look at that website. Thanks to you all.

The school has to have an anti-bullying policy and should enforce it. Call meetings! The other children should be taught to look out for each other and report to a dinner lady or teacher whenever anyone is hurt or frightened. That is the school's responsibility. And if there is a known problem, the dinner ladies should be informed and told to keep an extra eye. This has worked very well at my dc's schools.

My grandson is going through the same thing at school. He is nearly 6 and is in a country school, where year 1 and 2 are together in a class of 12. One boy inparticular is making it his business to exclude him from playing games with the other children. My granson had a great first year report and was extremely well liked by the teaching staff for his manners and work.
I find it uncomprehensible that 6 year olds should act in this manner. They are obviously spoiled uncontrolled brats who get all their own way at home and never get repremanded or chastised.
Have it out with the deputy head teacher. If you get no satisfaction, go to the head teacher. If you get no satisfaction go to the Education Authority.
This is bullying. It MUST be stamped out.
The situation will not change, but the cause might. If it fails, take him out.