Someone help me please - another I want another baby ASAP but DH want to wait thread

[bouncingblueberries]

Hi everyone

I've posted about this before, so apologies for boring everyone yet again.

The title says it all really. I 'm desperate to have another baby. Our beautiful ds is 2.3 years old and an absolute joy (although hard work at times being a toddler and all that comes with it). But I have this deep, aching need for another baby. It totally consumes me. I think about baby names, things to buy, how excited the grandparents would be, how great it will be for ds to have a little brother or sister.

But DH can't see how we can afford another. He does want more kids, but is Mr Practical. We live in a 2 bed flat, so we'd have to move eventually for more babies to be possible. I've tried the bunk bed argument and thought it was sinking in for a while that we wouldn't need to move straight away. 2 kids could happily share a bedroom.

But, the depressing financial climate has brought down the shutters and Dh is now saying it could be years before we can afford another baby. Trouble is, I'm earning more now than before we had ds and I know we could cope financially.

It's just this situation of DH wanting to move to a bigger house. And the housing market and increased mortgages payments (gosh - is that all??!!)

And then I panic about the age gap, my age (I'm 31, so plenty of time really I know) and whether we will ever have any more kids!! I know I feel worse about everything when I'm premenstrual, but but but but...

I don't know what I'm trying to say and what I expect anyone else to say.

I crave another baby. Deep down at my very core. And I don't know what to do. I'm frightened that I'm so desperate I might start being slack on the contraceptive side of things. And that would be a horrible betrayal.

Baby no.2 needs to be at the right time for all of us.

but but but.....

Sorry for the excessively long and boring post.

If everyone waited till they could afford children, we'd just have Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz, Shiloh, Suri, etc in the world.

I think having 4 of you in a 2 bedroom flat is the main problem and I can see where your dp is coming from
Maybe you could channel your energy and frustration into looking how practically you can afford to move?
Maybe take on more hours at work to save up to move? Or move to a cheaper area perhaps?

Message withdrawn

We put off having a 2nd due to me wanting to change career (the right job never did come up). Now DD is 3, I had a miscarriage in April and the gap between DD and DC2 (if it happens) gets bigger and bigger.

You will manage financially - you may have to make some sacrifices but I'm sure it will be worth it.

There is never ever a "right" time to have a baby. Your DH needs some major convincing but he must know this. If we all waited for the right time it would never happen.
Good luck bouncingblueberries I know how hard this yearn can be as I've wanted another LO for such a long time and now we are having real difficulty TTC.

Children don't need money, they need love and I'm sure you've got plenty of love between you and your family

I think I'm just going to have to live with it until the housing market settles down.

There's no way DH will consider another baby until the market cheers up. Because there's no way he will want to think about moving until the market is a bit healthier.

I shouldn't complain. We have a lovely flat because of how cautious DH is with money.

If his finances are in control, he feels in control..

I'm going to start overpaying the mortgage to see if that cheers him up

DS wasn't really planned. Well, we decided to take a risk one night without any contraception. But it was DH that was saying, oh well a baby wouldn't be the end of the world would it?

I really think baby no.2 will have to be a similar surprise.

And I do mean a surprise, not just me surprising DH!

He's just soooo cautious. I fear he's NEVER going to think it's the right time.

Thanks for all your replies so far. It's helping me peel a bit less like a mad PMT riddled woman

Ask him how did people cope years ago when lots of kids shared rooms. I'm sure most of them are stable and well adjusted adults.

I'm 5 years older than my sister and I shared a room with her until I moved out.

[lurks]

[emails thread to dh]

Hmmm. On the one hand I do think that if everyone waited until they could afford (or thought they could afford) a baby the population would have died out by now.

But on the other hand I don?t agree with the sentiment that ?babies don?t need money, they need love?. Of course they need love, but babies cost money. If you have another baby and have to return to work you will be paying out for two lots of childcare instead of one, so already your financial outgoings will have increased significantly. I also personally couldn?t entertain the idea of having two children in a flat, especially once they are both walking and running around with no garden to expend energy in.

Can you look at your finances and see how pheasible it would be for you to get a bigger house now? It would be better for you to look at getting a bigger mortgage now while your childcare costs are lower rather than in a couple of years time when they?ve increased.

If the housing market is in the doldrums it will cost less for you to up-size your accommodation, won't it?

yes, chatname - but also we'll get less for our flat (DH's argument).

We do have plenty of room and a lovely garden so another baby would not be too much of a squeeze and I do get the whole thing about not paying for 2 lots of childchare, so always wanted to wait until ds was 3 until we had no.2.

As for the "how did people cope years ago thing" my mum tells him every time she visits about how she shared a bedroom with 3 brothers until she was 11 with her parents sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room!!!

But all this logic doesn't take away my fears or the ache for another baby.

i think the best course of action just now is to overpay on the mortgage, which we can easily afford to do just now, that way we'll have more to play with when DH is less of a nervous wreck re money issues.

Wish me luck!

But all this logic doesn't take away my fears or the ache for another baby.

I hear this loud and clear, sometimes its almost like there are two people in my head. This mad ravening woman who WANTS. A. BABY. RIGHT. NOW. and Miss Sensible and Clever who thinks it is a better idea to wait.

I also disagree with the babies don't need money they need love argument. Yes its true to some extent, but money makes things easier a lot easier. I am not ashamed to admit that I am just not inclined to give up our lifestyle and stretch our resources. But then Miss Iwannababy starts yelling again...

Luckily for me, DH is in the same place I am. After lots and lots of talking we have decided to wait. DS was planned and the timing/situation everything was perfect for him. This is not the case for a second child. My thinking is, if I can't have it perfectly the way I did with DS then I don't want to do it at all. If the planets never align again then I will simply move on. We already have DS and if we have no more children then I will thank my lucky stars for my boy and do something else with my life.

I too am 31 so have a bit of time (not much I want to be done with pregnancies by the time I am 35).

Its complicated, but I do think you can be ready for a baby, we certainly were with DS and we are both willing to wait until that happens again and if it doesn't then so be it.

Hi, I am in almost exactly the same boat -- differences being that DS is 16mo and we have a 3-bed house, but DH works from home so one bedroom is his office and all the rooms are small. I am very broody (especially as most of my friends with DC the same age as DS are pg at the moment. My instinct would be to have the baby and worry ab ut space/money/etc later, but I do accept that is irrational.

DH, like yours, is ultra-cautious; his job market is very shaky at the moment (as is mine) and he also thinks it could be years before we're financially stable enough for DC2. In his mind he is simply being a responsible parent and my logical brain can see his POV, but I do fear that the mythical 'right time' might never come along.

It's a bugger, isn't it?

Oh Morloth - i just wish I could be as calm as you sound, I really truly do. But it's good to know other people feel the same way.

And I do still have time to play with, all being well on the fertility front of course (crosses fingers, toes and legs!)

megBusset - bugger is exactly right

I know it's sensible to wait a bit longer. I totally understand all of DH's reasons for waiting. But he gets so wound up about money and so stressed out by it that there's no talking to him at times.

but then, I know he feels there's no talking to me when I'm in baby mode.

His parents are due to visit next month and they always help him put things into perspective financially (they know he's a worry wort). maybe that will help things.

I think I'm going to sit down and write out a proper budgeting, worst-case scenario kind of thing. It's what he would do, so if I can show him we're how well off we are financially, he might soften a bit.

Either that or I'll get the shock of my life and finally realise what he's so scared of!

Ho hum, hormones eh?

LOL blueberries, its EASY to sound calm over the internets!

Really I swing wildly between being all serene and accepting and wanting a damn baby NOW.

I think poor DH is more in tune with my cycles than I am, though he never knows whether to calmly talk me down when I am ovulating or possibly give in (obviously giving in is the more,um pleasant option at that point!).

It really is difficult to know what is best - but its good to think about it rather than just have the babies with no thought to the consequences (for you OR them!).

we live in a 2 bedroom flat in a fairly pricey part of london and cannot afford a house here, we'll probably have to lower our expectations location-wise to get a bigger place.

my daughters were born 2 yr 10 mths apart and they share a bedroom. it's not ideal but i'm happier here than i would be say a mile up the road in "edgy" tottenham in a terraced house with more room (apols to tottenham dwellers!) - dh had similar concerns but i guess we both wanted a child a lot.

our girls are now 8 and 5 and we probably won't move for another year or so as dh has gone freelance.

oh - and you are YOUNG! i was 35 when i had dd1, 38 with dd2. you do have plenty of time...

You have definitely got time on your side if the financial side is your only concern although agree that hormones have a lot to answer for!! Just one thought that struck me though - are you absolutely sure that it is only the money situation that is putting dh off? I only say this because your story sounds very similar to a friend of mine whose dh wouldn't commit to another because of money worries - they then inherited some money but her dh then confessed that he was actually happy with one dc and never really wanted any more. They worked through this though and eventually had another two dcs (!) but might be something to bear in mind..