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Parenting

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Original poster

Is it really true that Parents love all their kids Equally....in your experience?

23 replies

bluewolf · 29/06/2008 20:59

I think this is true but that you love them completely differently.
And I've read that younger siblings have to work hard to find an unplumbed niche of brilliancy so that they can get their mum and dads attention.
I know a lot of people who feel that they have been unfairly compared to their older brother/sister all their life...as a parent how do you make sure you don't do this??

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BetteNoire · 29/06/2008 21:01

My parents don't. They favour the youngest of their three children.

I love both my boys equally.

They are soooo completely different from each other that it is easy.

filthymindedvixen · 29/06/2008 21:06

I don't love them equally, exactly. I love them differently. One requires more hugs and kisses and reassurance about life, the other requires more 1-1 shared activities. They are chalk and cheese and I suppose what I'm saying is I demonstrate my love to each of them differently. But in my heart I adore them both the same.

My mum always complaiend that her mum favoured her son abover her 2 daughters. Odd thing is, my mum is the same!

Glad I have 2 boys

geisha · 29/06/2008 21:06

Def love both my dd's the same but for completely different reasons.
I'm an elder child and imo my parents have favoured my younger brother as I was seen as the one who could sort myself out - he needed a bit more of a helping hand.
Think by just being conscious you don't want your younger child growing up in their old sibblings shadow is a good start.

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Original poster

bluewolf · 29/06/2008 21:11

geisha - I know what you mean about younger brothers - mine still lives at home (even though he is 30!!! and has a long term girlfriend of 10 years!!!!) my mum still thinks he needs to be looked after while she was more than happy to get shot of me at 17. Thank the lord!

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evenhope · 29/06/2008 21:13

My parents favoured my younger brother. Like vixen's mother, my mother complained that her mother favoured her brother

I don't feel I love mine equally as such, but I don't play favourites. They occasionally whine "you prefer X" but as X always changes and they don't all agree on who the favourite is I don't think it's a problem.

I don't compare them AFAIK but they all have different strengths. They do try to compare themselves- at GCSE time I've heard a lot of "I'm going to do better than them"

Original poster

bluewolf · 29/06/2008 21:25

The reason I'm posting is becos I have a 5yr old ds and a 10mnth dd and I've noticed the massive differebnce in my voice at Feeding Time..feel shit that I'm nagging ds to eat his greens and have nice table manners while praising dd makes muck and chaos, fist-jam of any finger food I offer and also poos while 'dining' It is SOOO unfair!

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cory · 29/06/2008 22:01

Well, I expect you were just as sweet to ds when he was 10 months. And soon dd will have got to the age where you can lay into her too. So it's not really about favourites, just about age appropriate parenting. If you are still talking to dd in the same tone of voice when she is 33, then you may indeed have a problem.

pointydog · 29/06/2008 22:06

SOme parents do favour one child over others unfortunately

oneplusone · 29/06/2008 22:33

My mum didn't love me and my 2 sisters equally, she definately loves my 2 younger sisters more than me (actually don't think she loves me at all).

I would say i love my DC's equally, but I can somehow 'feel' my love for DS more than I can 'feel' my love for DD. Very hard to explain so apologies if i sound weird, but don't really know how else to put it.

Romy7 · 29/06/2008 22:43

but you love ds when he's been running around the garden and come in for a bath and is all soapy and clean and cuddly - and probably not so keen on dd when she's been whinging for two hours about nothing in particular, and you KNOW all she needs is to go to sleep but she won't.

i think it's really interesting that we all claim to love our dcs the same, but allegedly all our parents loved us differently!

i think it's perception lol!

although my parents def liked my lil sis more than me...

i love dd1 because she is soooo grown up and mature for her age, and i can just see she is going to be a fabulous person.

i love ds1 mostly because he is a little sod - he's such an infuriating beast and inspires such a holocaust of emotion that i can't fail to recognise it!

i love dd2 because despite her vulnerability she has a determination of steel, and i know the world will not stop throwing challenges to barricade her way.

all different, but all mine.

mixedmama · 30/06/2008 08:39

I worry about this. Esp as DH says I favour DS1, but I think ATM I pay him more attention as he is a toddler and needs it IYSWIM and DS2 is only 5 months so doesnt feel quite so put out by not having my undivided attention.

My DH sometimes say he favours DS2 as he says that no one else does and that DS2 looks like him

Honestly I love them both but differently as you all rightly say. Plus I have had 2.5 yrs to get to know DS1 and only 5 months for DS2. I feel worried sometimes that I dont have that overwhelming concern for DS2 that I had when DS1 was a baby but perhaps that is because I was more apprehensive first time round.

My dad always favoured me, altho my parents have always treated us very equally, but my brother now has schizophrenia so he favours him more now, plus he is always saying that it is DH job to look after his little girl now. I have to say even as a 26 year old woman I still feel a pang of jealousy, but my brother does need them more than me now. I know they would still do anything for me though.

mixedmama · 30/06/2008 08:40

Sorry didnt mean to hijack there.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/06/2008 08:43

I think parents can love all their children equally. I do, and I do love both my girls in a completely different way.

no idea if this will change later on, I dont compare my girls to one another tho, as they are so different personality wise....

GooseyLoosey · 30/06/2008 08:56

I do feel completely different about each of my children. I feel a fiery passion about ds as he makes life hard for himself and I want to protect him. When he climbs on my lap for a hug, I never want to let go of him. Dd seems to be more robust but has always been more demanding of attention, I feel much more nurturing towards her. When she climbs on my lap for a hug I feel as though everything is just as it should be and right with the world.

A few times lately ds has suggested that he thinks I might prefer dd to him. When grilled, it turns out that this is because of things I would never have given a second thought to. Eg - we always say goodnight to dd first because she is younger and ds often gets to stay up a little later. He regards coming first as preferential treatment!

skidaddle · 30/06/2008 10:24

I think age of children is a really important factor. I know I feel more 'gooey' towards my 6 month old DS than my big sturdy 2.5 year old DD but I think it's because he is so tiny and needs me more, even though DD actually gets more of my attention.

My mum massively preferred my brother to mw and made no secret of it which was really horrible for me so i am determined not to inflict the same on my DC but I can see now that it is going to be hard. Not that I love one MORE than the other but my feelings are completely different towards each, and so could be interpreted as such IYKWIM

mixedmama · 30/06/2008 10:30

hey skid - lost track of it completely and couldnt keep up. Will try and come back.. hope you and DC are well.

Hijack over

ranting · 30/06/2008 10:34

I can honestly say that I do love my children equally, I like different things about them but, I definitely do not have a favourite.

I am another one whose mother preferred a sibling (in my mums family, if you have a penis you are akin to a god). So for me it's a no brainer.

TantieTowie · 30/06/2008 10:48

Just read through and noticed everyone says they do love their children equally - but that their own parents definitely favoured one of their children. Maybe it's sod's law that parents think they love their children equally but the kids will always look for evidence of favouritism...

Fennel · 30/06/2008 10:52

I probably do have a favourite among my 3. certainly when she was a baby I was overwhelmed with my feelings for dd3, and even now really she's the first I turn to.

I think DP has a favourite too, not the same favourite as mine but one dd he will always turn to first.

WendyWeber · 30/06/2008 10:58

I love mine equally, and not even differently as far as I can tell - they all have a couple of characteristics I like less than others but they also all have lots of endearing features and I don't think they think any of them is a favourite.

Three of mine are adult now though and the youngest is 15. When you have a little one it can certainly feel and look as if that one is the favourite, just because of the littleness and cuteness, but they do grow out of that

Fennel · 30/06/2008 11:03

I've been waiting 4 years for my littlest to grow out of the little-and-cute phase but I still feel like that about her. Though she's older now than both my others were when I had her. but she's still very cute. dd3 is both her sister's favourite as well as mine, she knows how to do charm.

I do think it will even out eventually. when they are all around 20 perhaps.

Fennel · 30/06/2008 11:04

ahem sisters' not sister's.

Twelvelegs · 30/06/2008 11:07

I love them all equally and for the same reason, because I made them!! However I love lots of different things about them, but even at their worst moments I love them with all my heart and block my ears with all my strength!!!!

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