Good morning
I could really use some advice and an outside perspective on this.
I'm 37, based in Scotland, and recently separated from my ex .
We have an 18 month old son together.
She moved out about 3 weeks ago.
The breakup happened around 3 months ago and, honestly, I was absolutely heartbroken. I went through the usual stuff, brain fog, no appetite, terrible thoughts and generally feeling like I was barely functioning. I'm doing better now, although it's still very up and down and I know I've got a long way to go.
We were together for around 2.5 years and, looking back, we both contributed to the relationship breaking down. I was probably more desperate to make it work than she was. We're currently amicable and, importantly, she is an amazing mum to our son.
She's moved into a new property about a mile from me, which makes things pretty easy logistically.
When we separated, we agreed between ourselves on a schedule for our son, without any legal involvement. At the time I was very much in survival mode and, looking back, probably didn't think through the arrangement properly.
The current schedule is two overnight stays with me per week, plus one dinner/afternoon visit.
We initially agreed that we'd review this next summer.
At the time, my thinking was that I wanted to put our son first. I was particularly conscious of how attached he is to his mum, and I didn't want to suddenly disrupt his life or take him away from her too much.
But after only three weeks, I'm honestly surprised at how well he's adapted.
He's his normal happy self, he's eating and sleeping fine, and he seems completely comfortable going between the two houses. When he's with me, he's settled and happy. Logistically, the arrangement works really well because we live so close.
And this is where I'm struggling.
I miss him so much.
I find the gaps between seeing him incredibly difficult, and now that I'm actually living this reality rather than imagining what separation would be like, I'm wondering whether the current arrangement is actually enough time for me to have with my son.
I want to be really clear that my starting point is that this needs to be about what's best for my son, not what's best for me. Obviously I would love to have more time with him, but I don't want more time simply because I miss him. If there was a good reason why more time with me wasn't appropriate for him at this age, I'd accept that.
What I'm struggling with is that, based on what I'm seeing so far, I don't currently see any reason why having more time with his dad would be detrimental to him. He's happy, settled, sleeping well and seems to be adapting really well to having two homes.
I'm also not talking about changing things in the next few weeks. I think it's far too early for that, and I want to give the current arrangement a proper chance to settle.
What I'm wondering is whether, if things continue going well over the next few months, it would be reasonable to have another conversation with my ex and say something like:
"We've given this a few months now and he seems really settled with both of us. I'm finding two overnights quite difficult, and I don't think the current arrangement is giving him as much time with me as it could. What do you think about trying three overnights a week and seeing how he gets on?"
I'm not suggesting jumping straight to 50/50 or drastically changing his routine. I'm wondering whether gradually moving from 2 nights to 3 nights a week might be a reasonable next step, assuming he's continuing to be happy and settled.
Financially, money doesn't come into this for me. I'm fortunate to have a well paid job. I helped my ex get her mortgage and I currently pay well above what the CMS calculator would suggest. I'm not saying that to pat myself on the back, but just to make clear that this isn't about money, maintenance or trying to reduce what I contribute. I'd continue supporting my son financially regardless of what the contact arrangement looks like.
Even if, further down the line when he's older, we ended up with something closer to 50/50, I would never want my son to have a different standard of living depending on which parent he's with.
But ultimately, that's not really what this is about for me.
I want to have a big role in his life. I had a very blessed upbringing myself and was spoilt rotten when it came to gifts and material things, but my dad was emotionally quite distant. Looking back, I realise that what I really wanted wasn't more stuff, it was more of a relationship with him.
I don't want that for my son.
I want to be present. I want to be involved in the boring everyday stuff as well as the big moments. I want him to know that his dad is there for him, not just someone he sees a couple of times a week.
That's probably why I'm struggling with this so much. I know I'm coming from an emotional place because I love my son and want to be heavily involved in his life, but I'm also trying very hard to separate that from what is actually best for him.
My ex is a great mum. We're generally amicable, although she can sometimes lash out or become quite nasty when things don't go her way, which makes me nervous about bringing up the subject.
So I suppose my questions are:
Am I being unreasonable for even considering revisiting the arrangement before the agreed review next summer?
And, more importantly, would moving from two overnights to three overnights a week be a reasonable thing to consider for an 18 month old who is already coping well with two homes?
I'd really appreciate advice from people who've been through separation with young children, particularly anyone who has successfully increased their time with their child gradually.
I'm not looking to "win" against my ex or take our son away from her. I genuinely want him to have a strong relationship with both of us, and I want to make sure any changes are based on what is best for him rather than my own emotions.
Thanks in advance.