Severe postnatal anxiety making me feel like a rubbish mum

[P929]

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mum.

First of all I just want to say I ADORE my baby, to bits and everything I’m writing here is because I love them so much.

but I’m really struggling…

I have quite severe anxiety, especially around my health, due to a previous experience with hospitals and doctors throughout my teen years. I’ve been on anti depressants as a teen, talking therapies, beta blockers etc on and off since I was about 14.

my pregnancy was intense, not physically but psychologically. Every single thing I felt or didn’t feel was a red flag and I immediately catastrophised it. I was in the maternity triage more than I can count and feel silly for it.

now he’s born, it’s got even worse and I just feel I’m not living up to the mum I thought I would or should be. Every little thing i see on him or if he acts a slight different way, I do the exact same thing and spiral. Googling things, getting over worried and I feel like I’m going to project this on to him and ruin his life. It’s like once one thing is sorted or ruled out something else crops up. I was really bad when they were first born then got a bit better after a few weeks and now back to square one. I’ve been on setraline that I’ve stopped taking as it was making my fatigue so much worse and I’ve had 2 mental health appointments cancelled since then. I’ve started to have thoughts creep in that him and my partner (who is VERY supportive) would be so much better off without me and like I said I’m ruining the enjoyment side of parenthood as well as projecting my anxiety on to baby. Just to note I have no intention of acting on this or have any thoughts of hurting myself just that I’m ruining it for both of them.

I really don’t know who to turn to, my talking therapy has stopped for summer as there were no therapists available to take over from mine and my health visitor is not due back for a few weeks but honestly I never tell her how bad it is when she’s here.

I just don’t know what to do and feel like a rubbish mum.

Hello
I was in your position back in 2013 after the birth of my son. I've always been an anxious person but pregnancy and a traumatic delivery really made it so much worse. I dealt with intrusive thoughts, doubted my ability as a mum and became hyper fixated on protecting the baby. I'd not let people hold him until they'd washed their hands, I was constantly on Google panicking about absolutely everything. I went to my GP who was wonderful and reassuring. By the time my son was 6 months old I was feeling so much better and more relaxed. I had CBT and took sertraline and am still on them today. My son is now 13 and a strapping lad. I look back and think about how hopeless I felt back then and how it is possible to come through it. You can come through it too. You are a good mum, it's clear to see how you write about your child. I advise you speak to your partner and tell him how you feel and also please visit your GP. Call them tomorrow and explain you need to be seen as urgently ad possible and tell them everything. They have seen countless new mums with the same issues and they will help you..also speak to your health visitor. They are all there to help and support you. If you feel like you are really struggling right now ring 111 and you will get help.

Please remember it's the anxiety making you feel this way and it's absolutely nothing to do with you not being a good mum. You are not alone

This is so sad to read. You are being ket down by the system - therapy shouldn’t stop for summer! People can be in crisis all year round! And neither should you be having appointments cancelled!

Your partner needs to take on all responsibility for your son’s medical care. He needs to be the one to assess if he is ok, has anything wrong or needs to see a doctor. Remove that responsibility from you while you’re unwell and unable to do this.
Keep talking. You have done well engaging with MH services - now they need to work for you.
You aren’t a failure, you’re ill!

While waiting for therapy to restart, you need to choose someone you trust to take over any medical needs and judgements for your baby. Somebody level headed, calm but not so relaxed that you don’t trust their judgment.

You are not a bad Mum.
You suffered with anxiety before baby, and now your motherly instincts to protect are just in overdrive.
The intrusive thoughts can be terrifying. Honestly, mine were ridiculous.
Keep on with the help you need, reach out to people, whilst telling yourself your baby absolutely loves and needs you, you are exactly what they need and you will get through this together.
I could have written all of this myself in 2017 with my firstborn.
I now have a second child and I have been much more relaxed.