Really annoyed with myself - over reaction to ex partner.

[lollipopcastle89]

I have been co parenting with my ex for five years. I would actually call it parallel parenting as I have my daughter 80-90% of the year and do all the heavy lifting.

My sees our daughter in his words ‘every weekend’ but in reality he sees her one day or one and a half days week. He is a good dad, as in they do fun things together and they have a lovely relationship. But he just lets me get on with all the heavy lifting. He misses important days (first day of school, Father’s Day etc etc)!

during our relationship he was very coercive and controlling. He’d accuse me of multiple affairs and constantly call me mental, pschyopath and abusive! (He was an alcoholic and again his behaviour was pretty appalling and abusive)! He eventually walked out when I was visiting my parents abroad, with no consideration to how I would find all the rent money etc (everything was shared 50:50 even on maternity)! This was five years ago, he’s never apologised for his actions and has made my life so difficult. If I want him to have our daughter more I’m difficult, if I make plans to do anything with our daughter without consulting him I’m controlling (despite him booking holidays without her and just doing as he pleases without asking me)! He refuses to pay towards birthday parties, but then has a go at me if I go ahead and organise and pay for a party myself. Essentially I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.
when he left he would cry that I had to introduce any new partners to him before they met our daughter. He has been dating someone for 12 months and introduced her to my daughter without telling me. I was really upset about this double standard and told him so.

Again, it wasn’t his fault it was my fault. Yesterday he did it again and in all reality it really triggered me. It was the double standard and I called him and told him how annoyed I was. Instead of understanding he twisted it (like he always does) and called me a pschyopath for grilling our daughter (I just asked her what she got up to at the weekend and she told me)! I got of the phone feeling horrendous and like somehow I was to blame. So I called him back and apologised but asked him to try and understand it from my point of view - he couldn’t and put the phone down.

I am so annoyed at myself for reacting to this. I feel I’ve let myself down and then I ruin the time I have to spend with my daughter. I think what was really triggering was my daughter said she spent one on one time with this woman baking whilst my ex slept during the day. I work three jobs and feel in constant fight or flight mode and have done all the heavy lifting over the summer holidays (and pay for childcare where necessary). I know deep down my ex is abusive and controlling and just says things to me to make me feel awful but it works. I genuinely am not sure how I can put up with this until my daughter is 18! I now feel an awful mum and yet again my ex has made himself the hero and me the villain. Not sure why I’m saying all this but maybe someone can relate.

You need to have less contact with him, minimal contact about your DD only.

I agree with the first poster.
Stop all this contact with your ex.
Does he pay child maintenance and is he paying enough?
Stop involving him in any decision you make.
Plan your life without consulting him.

He is still abusive towards you. You had nothing to apologise for.

There’s nothing you can do about what he does and doesn’t do. You don’t have to comply with his requests, just do what you think is best for DD and you.

Does he still have the alcohol problem? If so it could be better that there is someone sober around while he’s hungover and a poor parent.

Would expect more of the same treatment and behaviour from him and seek help for yourself on handling the impact on you and DD.

Wouldn’t ask him to do more parenting when he’s a shit parent.

You could do contact arrangements through an app.

Thank you all. He does pay CMS but the payments haven’t changed in five years and I know he must have had a pay rise.

I know deep down he is abusive towards me, but whenever I point out logical things ‘why do I have to get anything I put in the calendar approved, yet he doesn’t?’ I guess I have low self esteem, so when he calls me mental and says I have serious mental health issues I believe him. (He’s done this since my daughter was born)! He has never accepted any responsibility for anything he has done or his behaviour (not taking daughter to birthday parties he said he would because apparently I can’t tell him what to do when he has our daughter)! The list is endless, but my daughter loves him and if I point out his poor behaviour he then says ‘my relationship with my daughter is testament to what a good father I am.’ To be honest after years of this (feels like a slow drip of water on my forehead) it’s really impacting me - I question my sanity and start to believe what he says is true.

He doesn’t drink excessively anymore or around our daughter. He actually denies he was an alcoholic when we lived together (open cans of beer in the kitchen cupboards at 8am and filling a wheelie bin of cans every week would be my evidence)! Really wish I was stronger and could grey rock him consistently but sometimes I do react!

thanks so much for all your supportive comments.

He sounds awful but he's got you right where he wants you. Don't rise to it anymore; just disengage. Only reply to messages, don't be the first to contact him.

'He is a good dad, as in they do fun things together and they have a lovely relationship.'

That is important ^ so don't try to reduce contact. It could come back and bite you in the future if you rise to him and start deciding to punish him.

Nothing you say is going to compel him to start helping out with the admin. and stuff so I think you will just to accept that or find ways to ease the burden.

@WildGarlicSoupthank you. I never want to stop contact and never had. I just find dealing with him so very hard. It really makes me feel like I’m going mad and maybe he is this amazing person and I’m just mental and have an alternative reality!

He is not an amazing person, he is an abusive wanker.

You know this is the case, therefore anything he says to you can go in the 'that's what abusive wankers say' bucket and ignored.

The only things that need to be discussed are the practical things you need for your daughter. Nothing else is relevant to him, so you do not need to discuss anything else with him. If he starts trying to shut it down. He's going to have a go anyway, so you're better off if you don't engage.

He's trying to get the reaction because that means he still has power over you. He doesn't. He gets the matter of fact work face, everything is in writing, he is just another irritating problem to solve. I expect he'll hate it, I would find that very pleasing.

@persistedthank you for this. I don’t understand why he wants a rise out of me. I don’t cause much trouble (I do call him out if he’s been difficult and unfair but never had an apology in five years so not sure there is any point)! So you don’t think I need to consult him about birthday parties etc etc. our schedule is as and when at the weekends. He does see her most weekends but I think this is causing a lot of problems too, so I am going to suggest after five years to go to every other weekend.

You're doing great OP. Get yourself some therapy, it'll be the best money you ever spend.