Please no judgement, this is a very sensitive subject for me and most likely many others, and I would appreciate some honest experiences from others.
I'm 36, married with two children (8 & 5). We have a few pets (dogs and cat) and both work (me part time, OH full). I absolutely love my job (mental health) and it brings me a sense of purpose, I became very unwell after the birth of my first child and once I recovered knew that I wanted to help others. My husband works relatively long hours in a job he also enjoys. Our children are typical of their age, full of energy, love being outside on bikes etc and generally have gotten easier as they've grown. Our eldest is no longer in mainstream schooling (whole other post) and is home educated, however I say this lightly as 2x days he attends a local forest school and 1x day he is cared for by my mum who takes him to a home ed group and online tutoring. 2x days I am with our eldest and tend to get out first thing, spend a couple of hours learning, back out in afternoon. Our youngest absolutely loves school, and like many siblings they are chalk and cheese. We live in a 'normal' three bed house which costs a tonne every month as our mortgage is a joke. We have lots of room downstairs and a fab garden. Upstairs is smaller, the third room is not big enough for a double bed. Eventually we will hopefully move closer to the high school although given the current climate I don't know whether this will ever be possible. We like to go abroad once a year although haven't managed this year again due to other financial pressures/cost of living increases. My OH and children have a few hobbies between them, my interests tend to go on the backburner as I don't prioritise myself then resent everyone else because of it stupidly. I have a wonderful mum who has been the rock of our family, she absolutely adores our children and helps us often. I also have a few brilliant friends locally who we spend time with occasionally.
So the main issue... I am torn immensely about whether or not to have a third and final child. It has been on my mind for the last couple of years and hit a massive wall at the back end of last year, which I hope I won't get a tonne of backlash for. I had always imagined having three children, and when pregnant with my second had a preference for a certain sex. This gender disappointment came and went very quickly, and I was fortunate to have the most wonderful experience second time round, I absolutely relished in being a mummy again but this time without any mental health difficulties. Since then I have thought often about how a third could fit into our family. OH thinks about the practicalities (rightly so) whereas it's more of an emotional pull for me. I can't put my finger on it but it's like a part of me doesn't 'feel done' if that makes sense? I think of my two children with a sibling and truly believe it would be a blessing for them. They fight like cat and dog most of the time and I wonder whether a small sibling would actually bring them closer together. Obviously there would be big age gaps, but I worry that 5/10 years down the line me/OH would regret not going for it. Now the shocker...
OH and I had gone back and forth about conceiving for months. This resulted in me going to have the coil removed, and us 'not trying' for a short period of time. Periods were irregular so I wasn't surprised when I didn't come on in November. I started to experience severe bouts of tiredness, to the point where I nearly fell asleep whilst driving. How it didn't occur to me that I was pregnant I don't know... after a trip to the GP I found out I was pregnant and my first reaction was 'oh no'. After around a week of discussing with my OH and close family members, we decided against it and I went ahead with a termination (tablets) being managed at home. The whole procedure was incredibly stressful, emotional and took a massive toll on mine and OH relationship. Sometimes I feel guilty for not taking more time to make a decision but ultimately I didn't want to go further along as the embryo developed and then not want to go ahead with a termination at all (I was 5 weeks). I was supported well by OH and my mum, and can speak openly about it with people I trust. I have not gone back to the GP for the coil to be refitted, which again is telling me I'm not done?
We're now nearly 9 months since having the termination and I honestly don't feel like I've gotten anywhere since then with this. As I type I feel sad and guilty for having the chance last year and not going ahead with it, surely I just need to close the lid and enjoy life with my two children I have. Part of me says to use this time to focus on myself and how I want life to be, part of me says to go with my heart and hope for the best. Please advise if you have helpful experience...