Does anyone else feel deep sadness about missing their children's future?

[SillyOctopus]

Hello!

I'm a fifty year-old dad with a happy family and two wonderful daughters, 9 and 4. A Google search brought me to an old post on Mumsnet about this and I am 'glad' I'm not alone. I'd love to hear about other people's thoughts and feelings - mums and dads.

Fairly often I feel real physical, tangible sadness that I will die and I won't be able to be with my children. Today - I'm welling up, with a tight throat and waves of tight chest feelings - hence I was Googling it and see some other people have the same experience. I suppose I just wanted to 'say it', so I'm writing it here.

It feels selfish in a way - it's not that I feel that they'll miss me, but that I won't be around to enjoy their company. I feel real strong physical, tangible sadness and regret that I won't be able to be with my children. I already feel that their childhood, and our time together, is going far too fast.

I'm not afraid of being dead, I'm not religious and I believe that once you're dead there's nothing. It's like 'advance regret' - hard to put into words.

I don't know whether it makes any difference, but I'm bipolar 2 and had a recent diagnosis of autism spectrum. My emotions have often been quite extreme or quite flat across my life. Having children opened up whole new areas of emotional experience, so I guess this is still a learning experience as they and I grow!

At any rate, if there's a positive to this, I at least try very hard to make sure we all enjoy our time together - from bedtime stories to days out, or just watching tv together. In the end, I just want them to be ok and have the best lives and happy memories. I keep it to myself and certainly don't inflict these feelings on them!

Thanks :)

There is absolutely no point whatsoever in wasting time thinking like this.

People die at all ages and children are bereaved, hopefully as adults, and they carry on.

You had children at an old age so statistically they may be younger when you die, but if you're fifty now it's reasonable to assume they will be well into their thirties or forties when you die. They will be adults with their own lives and although they'll be devastated it won't be as if they are young children.

Stop dwelling on this pointless way of thinking and enjoy life with them in the moment.

If I let myself think about this I would get upset, so I don't!

Thinking like this is a little main character isn’t it?

We all live and die, it is just the way of it.

I agree there is no point thinking about this you just have to redirect your thoughts to the present. You don't even know if it's true, maybe you'll live to hundred, it's not that unusual. I was brought up by my grandparents and I'm in my 40's and they are still alive and kicking in their 90's. There's no point borrowing trouble from the future, as they say.

Live in the day. None of knows what’s round the corner.

I'm not dwelling on it - it happens! Main character - how's that then?

Not sure you read the post.

I try not to - it's not something I choose to do!

You won't miss them, you'll be dead. Don't waste today worrying about something that's not going to happen.

I get this feel too - since grandchildren even more
no point saying DONT think like this - some of us can’t help it - it just happens in our heads !

Yep same

I’m 50 with a 26yo and a 21yo now I’m happy I had my kids young for this reason. I’m likely to see them marry, have kids. I often read threads about people having kids in their 40s and wonder if they’ll feel like you do. Having said all that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. No one really knows but I’m grateful we’ve got this far.

Don't waste your life worrying about this, although I appreciate it may not be easy as you said you have a mental illness.

My sister died when my nieces were 8 and 9 and although they're adults now, they miss her every day.

But obviously she's not missing them because she's dead.

It sounds horrible to feel like this and a lot of these responses have lacked empathy!
As if you are making yourself have these thoughts on purpose! But the thoughts are serving you, to appreciate every moment you have with them. Life is unpredictable in so many ways!
it sounds like the reality of mortality is hitting home as you get older, especially with younger children.

Or his medication may need to be re-looked at.

that’s not normal. See your doctor rather than asking people validate this behaviour

If you are autistic you are likely to get hyper focused on certain thoughts. And for many people, uncertainty is hard to cope with. Best bet is to acknowledge the sadness, because it is sad, and then refocus on something in the here and now.

I agree sometimes I feel sad that I am not likely to see how my grandchildren's lives develop. I try and focus on the here and now but sometimes intrusive thoughts pop up.

I think it is very normal. I don't know what a doctor could do about it

I thought you were going to say you will die soon and miss them growing up. That would be very sad indeed.

But assuming you have a normal life span you’ve got another 30 odd years with them. They will become adults with fully fledged lives. You will be living separate lives rather than being with them every day like you are now. So you will have gradually got used to less time with them anyway by the time your life is coming to an end.

The OP has stated he has a mental illness.

The GP may want to look into that more and see if his medication needs tweaking.

It may not, but it's a good place to start.

I think often older people experience a kind of letting go as they age. Right now your kids are very young and it's natural that you feel that way and I imagine that it's compounded by being a relatively older parent which is common these days.

A lot of people experience their parents becoming less interested in them as they get older and while that can feel sad it's probably also a natural part of letting go of life as you move towards your own death.

Yes, a bit. Similar, well I'm troubled when I think of their futures. I think for me, it's a little exacerbated by the experience I'm having of being the main carer for my mum. I don't want my kids - 3 aged.from mid twenties to early thirties - to feel the weight of having to care for me or husband. It's draining and I'm convinced I will have dementia in the next say 25 years. You cannot reason with a person who has that.

Also started to wonder what my eldest's future will be . About to turn 31, has a boyfriend, both big drinkers, she is perhaps bordering on an alcoholic. Excellent job but doesn't save, doesn't seem to want kids ( so who will look after her ). I worry about her future.

Also I worry about our burning planet..What is happening? It's not surprising that we have immigrants heading north. Crops can't survive and even water will probably need to be rationed at some future point.

I don't know how to switch these worries off. I know what you're going through, Op. Best wishes.

I feel sad that as an older parent, if I reach usual life expectancy, my children will be in their forties, rather than fifties or sixties when I pass away.
However it’s better than them not reaching adulthood.
There’s no point thinking like this and your kids will be less vulnerable when they are grown. It will be better to try and be rational about this.

I too get the obsessive thought loops that come with ASD. Something similar to this one has cropped up as I am disabled and suffer from a chronic illness.

I deal with it by focusing on a shorter goal. I just need to get my child successfully launched. Through university and into a career. If we get to that point, parental support won’t be as necessary and my assets will be left behind to provide financial support. Statistically, I am highly likely to live that long.