just don't know how to deal with this

[chicca]

Aaagh - at the end of my tether with DS1 and DS2. DS1 nearly 4 cannot stop trying to hurt his brother (now 9months). I try to ignore it in the hope that it will go away if DS1 doesn't get the -ive attention he's looking for. Yesterday I had DS1 alone with me all day and he was an angel. Now, the minute that DS2 is back on the scene it's chaos again. I try to explain to him as simply as possible that nothing has changed etc etc but every time they are together he seems unable to control himself and ends up sitting on him or being rough with him etc . I know it could be worse but I feel paralysed - I just don't know how to deal with it. DS1 currently locked in his room!
DS2 is developing a habit of yowling any time DS1 comes near him now, presumably becasue he knows what is coming. I think this has escalated just recently because DS2 is crawling around and able to play more.
I even have the sibbling rivalry book whcih talks about beating up dolls instead of brothers (!) and letting them express their anger, even hate if necesary, but none of this seems to be working on DS1. He bnever says he wants to hurt him, even though I positively encourage him to say this sometimes.
Can't do another afternoon of this.....!

We're bordering on something similar here (DS1 nearly 4, ds2 7 months) and although ds1 LOVES his brother to pieces, he is just too rough and physical with him. We're taking the approach of constantly explaining it isn't acceptable behaviour, showering ds1 with lots of attention and trying to do lots of activities with ds1 with ds2 close by but not necessarily involved. We're hoping this way we can restore ds1s confidence that he's still very much loved and get him through this jealousy phase. ds2 isn't crawling yet so that will be another flash point.

I do think its normal behaviour. With the best will in the world a second child does pull the rug out from under the first.

Incidently I would NEVER condone letting a dc take out his anger by beating up dolls!!! that seems outrageous and teaches them nothing about managing their anger in a positive way or that violent behaviour is never acceptable. better to get them outside kicking a football or doing other physical activity than attacking defenseless GI Joes I would have thought

Hi Dashboard, Thanks for that. Yes, I meant nothing had changed in as much as 'mummy still loves you...' I see what you mean.
Pheebe - DS1 doesn't have any dolls and having suggested this once and drawn a blank we've never got anywhere near doing it. Defenseless trees here we come...

Chicca, I'm having a similiar experience with my dss. Ds1 is 3 and is obviously desperately jealous of ds2 who's nearly 11 months and getting into everything. I think he mainly just gets frustrated with ds2 ruining his games and not having enough time to play them with mummy or daddy. He gets so angry that his face goes bright red and he looks like he's about to explode, he yells at ds2 and pushes him away. What makes it worse is that ds2 is incredibly clingy to me and very rarely entertains himself, so DS1 really loses out. I don't really know how to handle it as ds1 is a very emotional child anyway. I'm just hoping they'll grow out of it...