Single moms

[mazma]

Simple questions, single mums did you have a good life with your children and being a single mother?

Well, what do you mean?
That’s a pretty far reaching question with great deal of nuance.
I did everything I could to save my marriage. When that wasn’t possible, I did the very best I could do in a tough situation. I don’t regret leaving the marriage because I know I did everything I could to save it. Some things are out of your hands.
Like any parent, I feel there are things I got right, and other things I wish I could go back and do differently.

Why are you asking?

Why?

Why what? It’s a simple question, leaving your relationship or being a single mother has it made you a better person

I prefer the person I am now. Not much defeats me, I’m much much more independent. So, yes, from a personal growth perspective, it was a good move

How come you couldn’t save your marriage? Just asking bluntly but politely if you don’t mind

Yes. Now I do. But I’m 11 years in and it took me a very, very long time to accept it and get into a routine. The stigma against single mums is very real (non-single mums will try declare you as being ridiculous and that there is no stigma, but oh yes there is! I encounter it regularly) and it’s infuriating- especially when the majority of us didn’t bloody choose to become single mums!

Anyway, the thought of it is farrrr worse than the reality. You get into a routine and eventually you know no different.
The hardest part is the loneliness (especially before they start talking) and the envy of seemingly happy, ‘proper’ families.
I remember taking DD to a Haven park when she was 18 months old and I’d only been alone 6 months. We had a fantastic time but when DD & I were dancing round at the toddler disco, it was soul crushing to see all the mummies & daddies dancing with their babies altogether. Hearing the loud, mostly-happy families in the next caravan whilst in ours it was just us two. You do get past it though and it becomes your norm.

Edited to add: For context, he left me and walked away from our DD so I’m a solo parent, not just a single parent. I do think this is necessary to point out given that I’m giving advice on the matter as the experience of a single parent who shares custody 50/50, is just not the same at all. I’m not saying solo parents have it harder than 50/50 single parents either, just different.

I had a lovely life with dc other than dealing with ex and his demands. It got more complex after getting together with someone else and having another dc.

He was disloyal. Refused to talk about it. Threatened me. I stayed for a year trying to work on things. I paid for therapy, and he said he would rather leave me and the kids than go back to therapy.

We split up and even then I tried. He was making dates with other people while I was trying to find a way back.
I look back and feel sad over all the knots I tied myself into, making sure I exhausted all options.

Agree with pp that there is a stigma against single mums, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

For context I am single, not solo (the distinction matters to me, especially when married friends say they solo parent for a weekend!). XH pays CMS & 1 hobby. He has done 2 overnights this year. We've just got back from one of our best holidays, had a fabulous weekend with friends & Lapland booked for December. It isn't always sunshine & rainbows but we've found our groove recently. I would take this 1000x over than my daughter growing up thinking that was a marriage.

Absolutely not, it’s hell