Struggling so much with 5yo son. Please help

[The8]

My only child. He has always been quite stubborn and defiant however the last 6 months or so have been awful.

He is so so difficult. Anything we ask him to do is an immediate no. I appreciate children like to test boundaries but this just feels next level. I feel like every interaction is an absolute battle and turns quickly into chaos.

There is no reasoning with him, no amount of calm talking or explaining works, no threat of losing X or an early bed time, no counting to 3, no offer of a treat or a sticker on a reward chart. Nothing gets through if he doesn't want to do something.

He ends up screaming, literally screaming, in my face sometimes until he's purple in the face. Telling me he doesn't love me, doesn't want me as his mummy, wants me to leave etc... and this can be over something basic like asking him to get his shoes on. It's reached a point where it we are in public or a group setting and he refuses to do something or listen to me I dread it as I just know it's going to turn into a huge thing. He just simply does not listen to me.

He would argue with you that the sky is red just to disagree.

He does suffer with separation anxiety I think. He still has frequent melt downs at the school gate (going to Y1 in sept) and holiday club during the first few weeks of the holidays has been nothing short of hell. Fine once he's there and tells me he has a good time but getting him through the door has been awful. The staff literally have to come and meet me in the car park now while he's kicking and screaming and trying to run away.

I'm at my wits end. I end up shouting more than I like to admit because I just lose all patience. I try to stay calm I really do but he just pushes and pushes and pushes until you lose it. It's like that's all that works to shock him into doing as he's told sometimes.

I don't know what to do, is this a phase?! My husband wants to take him to the doctor, keeps mentioning things like ADHD. But I don't know. This behaviour is reserved solely for us (and he's much worse when he's alone with me than he is when his dad is around). School would tell you (once he's in the door) that he's an angel.

What am I doing wrong. My mornings make me utterly miserable at the moment because it's always difficult in some way.

I just need to add that there are such lovely aspects to his personality as well. He is so caring and funny. He is so curious about the world and he adores his family.

He's just so angry sometimes.

You might find offering choices a better way of managing his behaviour. For eg ‘ Do you want to put your shoes on yourself or would you like me to help?’
Red shorts or blue shorts?
Story in the bath or in bed?
Reward good behaviour with something they like, extra story, extra Lego time, extra cartoon or a hot chocolate.
Negative behaviour equals no treat but the opportunity to have one tomorrow.
Also, if transitions are tricky - and it sounds like they might be- give countdown warnings Ie. 15 minutes until we leave, 10 minutes until, 5 minutes until etc
If you get a majority of good days, maybe an extra reward at the end of the week.
Try and engineer successes and make sure the rewards are attainable even if it’s not every day.
Hope this is useful, these are strategies used in an educational setting for children with SEMH sometimes underpinned with ODD, ADHD, trauma and attachment issues.

Thanks! I do always offer choices. For example getting his shoes on, if he's being difficult I'll suggest he choose the shoes he wears. He never seems to really engage. It's like he just does not care at all in the moment what you say. You could tell him you'll take him to Disney land right now if he does X and he won't care.

Later on, once he is calm again, he is able to reason or understand. But in the moment it's like nothing gets through.

I also try and always give him countdowns to things like bed time, bed time in 10 mins, 5 mins, 2 mins etc... he says ok but when the time comes it is still a battle.

Op I really would get him tested for autism or ADHD. You are his safe place which is why he's an angel at school but a nightmare at home. Good luck x

I would absolutely start the assessment route. There is obviously something going on with him and the sooner it is identified the sooner he will start to get the help he needs.

Not pretending to be a medical expert but him being an angel with you then unleashing it all on you at home when he feels safe is masking 101 and so common in ND children. That being said one thing I did pick it up is you saying ‘when I ask him to put his shoes on’ I never ask my kids anything they can say no to that isn’t optional so I just phrase it as ‘time to put shoes on now, teeth brushing time’ etc absolutely no ‘can you please do…’ because when they say no then you make them it’s a massive power struggle

Gosh it sounds awful and familiar although our situation is lower level.
Definitely agree on raising potential neurodivergence, although they won't assess for ADHD at his age, it pays to keep it on the radar.
Make good friends with the senco and teacher at school and tell them what happened at home every day. I learnt that quickly, the nursery year before reception the teacher had no idea and thought we were just turning up late in the morning, so I gave a daily report "refused breakfast, had to physically drag him out of bed, physically dragging him down the road, had to go home, tried again half an hour later and here we are now" etc or words along those lines. Otherwise school have no idea.
I used to say that the bed time routine started the moment I picked him up from school, and all he had to do was eat, toilet and bed, things like bath were out of the question during the week.
He quickly got on the senco radar and that helped and he got his referral, which also unlocks more understanding from other staff.
If you have to deal with all that at home on your own, you need to get as much support from school as you can.
On a hopefully optimistic note things really turned a corner for us about the second term of year 1,I think the structure helped, and his stage of development meant that he understood that it was better to do things when he was almost out of time rather than me doing them forcibly.

Hopefully that's useful, if you reduce demands to the minimum, then reduce them again, and then even further, until your child literally only has to eat, toilet and sleep (and school) then you can find a good foundation to work from when he's capable.
Also look up declarative communication, it helps if you can just say "whoever wants to eat can sit at the table" rather than "sit at the table" or "do you want x for dinner?"

Kate Silverstone.
She's on Instagram and written books - there's no such thing as naughty and there's still no such thing as naughty.
She explains what is happening with your child when they react as your child does.
Really helpful and lots of strategies too.

I was very similar (I gained the nickname no-no). My mum used bribery most often which I think only encouraged my behaviour but worked in the moment. I started to grow out of it at 9 and was completely normal by 12!

Walk away if safe, ignore him until he's calm, he's getting the reaction he wants. No shoes fine no shoes if his feet get sore he will learn. Screaming in your face walk away screaming gets nothing, not even your attention.

@chirrupybird
None of that will work if there is any ND at play.

Hello! This sounds rough. I also have a 5 yo with suspected ADHD and it's tough. You end up questioning your parenting so much, and it's hard to see how to make things better. DS has also struggled massively with separation anxiety going into school (even though school have made adjustments for him, it can still sometimes be a case of dumping him kicking and screaming onto his teacher and running away, which I feel so guilty about, but as soon as he's not physically restrained he tries to run out the gates).

I think the "give a choice" advice doesn't work for bright/older/potentially ND kids. Like even at 2 if I asked DS do you want the green or the blue trousers today? DS "I wear green trousers - on my head".

@chirrupybird would you really let a child walk in the street with bare feet, where there might be broken glass or dog dirt? What about in January?

I think it can't harm going to see his GP, I wouldn't expect too much but maybe look at it as due diligence. We took DS when he started getting stressed in loud environments on the basis it's good to rule out anything physical.

Transitions are a struggle for him. The usual advice is structure routine and advance warning of changes or moves of environment and predictability. Getting these things right and overstimulation might be much more tiring for him than other children. Allow him to rest and have space. Reducing demands and keeping it simple is good advice. You can tell other people he may be ND. It's not a cop out it is more likely to enlist support. Do what's right for him in the moment there's no need to play out what you imagine another parents script might be. You know your son.

Can't remember where I got this from...but we use "1, 2, 3, you or me". I explain calmly the first time that you can choose to do as i ask now, or I will do it for you at the end of the countdown. Now is your chance. Then calmly begin the countdown.

The key is then following through, so you put their shoes on for them or whatever it is. Only needed to do it a few times before my DD realised there was no point fighting over it and her independent streak means 9/10 she'll now just do whatever it is on 1 now without trying to argue the point.

We dont use it often now (she's 7) but it still comes out now and again. Shes also suspected neurodivergent but no formal assessment yet.

Speech and language therapist here. I agree that the way you phrase your requests is essential. Give choices (and not just after he starts being difficult, give them right from the start), use declarative language (e.g. It's time to...). Have a look at Jessie Townz; she has an Instagram and YouTube account. She's a parent of two ND children one of whom has Autism with a PDA profile. Obviously I can't say if your son has any kind of ND based on your post alone but the strategies would likely be helpful either way.
https://mrsjessietownz.buzzsprout.com/

I empathise. My lovely 5yo boy has some similarities! So I relate to some of what you describe.

Mine doesn’t have as much separation anxiety, and also can act out at school sometimes rather than just at home, so it’s not the exact same story. Defiance and not listening have been real challenges for us. Things were probably at their worst last summer and Christmas.

I’ve worked out that my son needs a combination of very firm boundaries but lots of love and connection. I have had to work really hard to remain calm and patient and not become agitated when he doesn’t listen. If I start to become stressed or frustrated, it always ends up making the situation worse rather than better. My husband is unbelievably patient and never gets rattled and I realised he was always getting a better behaved version of our child, so I’ve tried to channel his zen energy and it’s made such a difference. I try and give warnings or timings for transitions, and then I don’t give multiple instructions or chances. Eg. I will tell him we are leaving in two minutes and will put a timer on. Then when it goes off, I will tell him once that it’s time for shoes and if he doesn’t do it, I’ll take his hand and guide him there. I don’t permit bad behaviour at all, but I try and stay calm and measured and firm and it’s really reduced meltdowns.

Aware that you may have tried it and what has worked for us may not work for you!

I could write your post word for word - unless I tell my DS he can have the thing he wants, or doesn't have to do whatever it is I'm trying to get him to do etc. nothing I say will get him to abide. The holidays are actually worse as he doesn't mask but loses all routine and struggles with all the different variables a day off can have.

He's also 5, but was referred for an ASD assessment at 3. It's really tough OP.

Sounds like when he is upset he need to have autonomy and control to feel safe. This is common in autistic children often called a PDA profile.