19 year old boy - low self confidence, needs friends and a bit of a plan.

[WinterCarlisle]

I have a lovely 19 year old son who I could do with some advice on (tbf, he’s said he’d also like some advice from Mumsnet!).

He’s the eldest of 4 boys with the others being 17 and then 14 year old twins.

DS is academically very bright but never reached what his teachers felt his potential was. He hated most of secondary school and put in the absolute minimum effort. He’s a very deep and over thinker, but lacks self confidence.

He’s also rather introverted and would rather be at home. At one point he got into a not great friendship group and started smoking weed and fighting. Happily that’s well behind him now but he doesn’t really have any (nice) friends and wishes that he did. He’s very close to all of his brothers and they do a lot together. He’s excellent with the twins who are AuDHD (fairly low need).

He’s finished school now with 3 mediocre A Levels but has zero idea of what he wants to do long term. He is working almost full time in a hospital as a porter which he quite likes but everyone’s much older than him so again, no real opportunities to make friends.

He goes to the gym a lot with his middle brother and they have a lovely time, but again, it’s just the 2 of them.

We live in a large town with with great transport links so not isolated. Unfortunately, he’s contracted for a lot of weekends so joining a football team wouldn’t really work.

Any suggestions? He’s also not a drinker and doesn’t really like the drinking culture or clubbing.

I wish there was some sort of Tinder but for friends!

I know this is already long but does anyone have any suggestions for careers advice, please? Or potential careers?

He was considering one of the emergency services but he and I are not sure he could cope (yet, anyway) with some of the more challenging aspects (I am frontline NHS).

He’s great with all different people / patients he encounters in a very busy urban hospital and has good communication skills. He’s not keen on nursing etc. but hasn’t really thought about physio / OT / SALT / other AHPs. He does know that this would require a lot more studying but I think if he saw the point to it plus had a couple more years to mature he’d be fine. I do not, by the way, want to push him into anything, not that I could - I just want to support him.

I think he’d like to work in a team rather than as an individual.

Any suggestions on my v v long post gratefully accepted. Sorry for the dissertation.

Scouts have a group for 18-25s called Network. You don’t have to have done the younger groups.

Thank you @Caferouge - that’s actually not a bad shout at all. He was a scout all the way from beavers and did enjoy it. I’ll look into that now,

Sorry, I don’t have any ideas about careers, but…

It might be worth looking into what interests he has, and maybe join evening courses for these interests. Things like squash, tennis or badminton, yoga or even running or walking clubs. I have heard of D&D groups, board game groups, art clubs and cooking clubs or learning a language… the choices are endless, and sometimes these are great for meeting people with similar tastes (makes it easier to strike a conversation).

Previously, when I was young I used to save money and go travelling and meeting people in hostels and walking around town, this might be something to do with his brother when they are both old enough.

These ideas come with the added benefit of finding out what he enjoys doing and building his confidence.

I'd encourage him to have a look at the Meetup website. They have loads of groups and it's how I made friends when I moved to a new city. I met so many interesting people through the groups I joined. Sone groups are for a specific age range, others for anyone with a shared interest e.g. watching live music, cinema, hiking.

His job is great experience if he's considering something clinical in the future. He could ask about the possibility of work experience/visiting different departments to find out more.

If he's interested in the gym and health, would he be interested in being a personal trainer? My friend retrained as this in her 40s.

Volunteering is a great way to meet people too. Do you have Good Gym in your area? He might like that as combines running and volunteering. Or if he just wants to run, I've found running groups to be full of welcoming people.

is going to uni and staying in halls an option. It’s likely he’ll find his tribe there.

He sounds like a lovely lad and has done well enough to get a full time job. I know university is expensive these days but it might be good for his confidence. He could go to one close by and live at home or live away for the first year? OT/Radiography are great careers with good prospects and with his experience of a patient facing role/knowledge of hospitals, he’d be good candidate. The mediocre A levels won’t matter as a mature student with experience.

Another idea is to travel with his brother when his brother reaches 18, particularly if they both have uni to start. They could take off for 2-3 months and inter rail. They’ll meet lots of other young people in the hostels along the way.

He sounds like a son to be proud of and he’s very young. He will get there