Why (in RL) are we all so judgmental?

[unicorn]

One of the biggest upsets since having my kids, is just how smug and judgemental other parents can be.

A recent example - my dd (age 5) has had to have 2 fillings, I mentioned this in conversation to some other mums and was made to feel like I had FAILED as a mother, and dd should be taken into care!

Other examples are regarding sleep/potty training/feeding etcetc.

Why can't we offer each other more support and allow children and parents to develop at their own pace, as opposed to assuming that we are doing it all right and everyone else is wrong?

I am sure in my mothers day there was much more community support, but then again they didn't have a million books and mass media telling them how they should be doing things!

(apologies, rant over)

Slinky, real easy to be judgmental on internet, as we are not face to face and no real consequences. Have you ever tried Yahoo chat rooms or similar? Its insane there. People would never get on like in real life if they had to face the people they are talking to.

Not making excuses for it. Just the way it is. I dont give a damn, like you what anyone thinks, i do the very best I can and nobody knows what i do on a day to day basis. Some people just like to argue/criticize for argues sake, or to have a "word" on something. You know yourself who is being patronising/provoking, etc. Take it all with a grain of salt.

Hear you Jane. When people say, Oh, my son, would never.... or I would never....or we always......
oh puke. what they are really saying is YOU shouldnt do ........, your child should.......
Really gets on my wick. Why dont they just come out and say what they have to say. Reminds me of an acquaintance I once knew who used to go on about her "wonderful" husband, how he always came home on a friday, gave her his wages and never went out. She forgot to add, that he would bring his booze home and beat the crap out of her. What we say and what really happens are usually two different things, as you know.

I think either a) you all know a lot of unpleasant people; or b) perhaps everyone's a bit sensitive.

I have occasionally had the odd comment which has been either an out-and-out criticism designed to make me feel like a failure ("gosh, he's much too big to be pushed round town in a buggy, you should make him walk" - from an old bag, sorry, lady, when DS had just turned 2), but mainly when people say things like "Oh, my son/daughter has never tasted juice/chocolate/whatever", I just think Great, good for you! I've got bigger things to worry about!

Now, I don't think I'm being thick-skinned, and if I'm honest, on a bad day when I get a comment like this at playgroup, I can be inclined to think "Oh, shut up", but generally I think these comments come not from any real competitiveness, but more from people's innate desire to show off what they consider to be their parenting successes, as it makes them feel better about their choices (and gives them less time to fret over the fact that their 4 yr old is still in nappies/will only eat white foods/won't use cutlery/whatever). And if the flipside to that is that someone else - you - feels bad in comparison, then so be it. That's life.

There are a few issues on which everyone (including me) has an opinion, but that's all it is - like my dad said "Opinions are like areseholes: everyone's got one" - so tell them all to stick that in their pipe and smoke it next time they wind you up!

I think MN has made me scared to talk about parenting though! it's made me even more aware that my method of parenting is different and I now feel that i have to apologise for me and DD all the time.

BTW, on the strange looks about clothes being the "wrong" colour, people may just have not known whether or not your DS was a boy or a girl. We had a similar experience with a 2 year old in A&E yesterday, but DD has no scruples and asked the child "are you a boy or a girl? your clothes look like boys but your hair is almost girls' hair"

I have to admit that I am a bit judgemental at times. I just get so sick of people looking down on me for being single and on income support and sending bean to nursery and a million other things that it makes me feel a bit better to sometimes look down on other people. I keep it to myself though.

hi there unicorn

totally agree with your comments how times have changed for the worse sometimes

hey Beansmum - me too - of course I think my parenting is better than other people's - but I don't tell them

glad I'm not the only one.

and I send ds2 (3) to nursey 3 days a week even though I'm a SAHM - never took him out of his day nursery when I stopped work - can't be doing with taking care of him 24/7 - and he needs the change of scene (ho ho)

pinotgrigio, I don't think the things in my list are wrong, they are some of the things I have been judged on by other parents. I don't know if they're right either they're just things I wanted to do/best decision I could make at the time, etc etc. Jacqueline Wilson books - some people have said that the subject matter isn't "suitable" (ie too much real life) but my dd started being interested in them at 6/7 (she is just 8 now) and loves them.

unicorn, totally agree about the support network.

But I'm sceptical about your daughter needing fillings at 5!!! Are you sure your dentist was pulling a fast one????

i think putting your baby in the farthest room of the house is eminantly sensible advice cam

my dd read J.wilson books - thank god she reads anything unlike my boys.

consternation from other parents - well most feel very superior to me after they find out about my kids - i dont mind this cos i got lurve in the house baby yeah

Had to laugh, just experienced exactly what I was ranting about.

Ds was having major (exhausted) tantrum in buggy...
old dear decides she knows best, and tells me 'he just wants to walk, let him out"
Er no, I think not says me.

...he was absolutely shattered,and needed to be in the buggy.

So, back to my point again, Why do people think they are more qualified than you with regards your children?

And why, more so than in any other area of life do we think that just because we have had children, we know how to deal with all children?

... and feel it's ok to butt in????

sorry this is becoming a major bone of contention with me!

Well even if she were right, and he did want to walk, what makes her think his wishes come before yours? There could be a perfectly good reason why you want to have him in the buggy even if he does want to walk - and what possible right could she have to question that?

exactly.