Why (in RL) are we all so judgmental?

[unicorn]

One of the biggest upsets since having my kids, is just how smug and judgemental other parents can be.

A recent example - my dd (age 5) has had to have 2 fillings, I mentioned this in conversation to some other mums and was made to feel like I had FAILED as a mother, and dd should be taken into care!

Other examples are regarding sleep/potty training/feeding etcetc.

Why can't we offer each other more support and allow children and parents to develop at their own pace, as opposed to assuming that we are doing it all right and everyone else is wrong?

I am sure in my mothers day there was much more community support, but then again they didn't have a million books and mass media telling them how they should be doing things!

(apologies, rant over)

late IMe ! ds2 went in afetr a week fgs! cant see why being itn eh same room is so good

woudl have vaccinated though! :0

what is the rationale for them being int he sam e room?

Agree totally unicorn..similar thing meself with ds and teeth.Tho i think i can be judgemental too

in case they die i think SIDS

I can reassure you that I was sound asleep most of the time I could be so wodul nt have noticed anyway

sorry soudns trite
but ykwim

Oh I just don't tell people about the ones I think they'll get upset about (like the vaccination one!)

But I had something in reverse a while ago. I was at a very posh christening at a sit down meal and the waitress came and asked if I wanted any juice for the children. "No thanks, just milk or water please" I said, and the other Mum at the table looked really embarrassed and said "will your kids mind if my one has juice?"

It was almost as if she expected me to be condemning her because she let her kid drink juice - as if I'd even noticed! So of course, then I felt guilty for coming over as a smug mum, and wondered whether I ought to have ordered juice in solidarity with her - but all I was doing was what's normal for me! What a minefield!

No I think she was thinking woudl yours start nagging for it

Yes I think that's what she meant, but she also looked so embarrassed, like she didn't have the right to make the choice. So much so, that she embarrassed me (and I'm not easily embarrassed)!

I think very consid
Iwas anti squash with ds1 and kept ds2 off it for a while
unfort ds3 is corrupted but boys are reationed for it and area only allowed three cups a day

I think we should also step back and remember that people parent their children differently because their children are different. For example, DD is absolutely useless at going downstairs and has to be chaperoned. Her best friend has been brilliant with stairs for over a year (they are both 2) and so her mum has never bothered with stair gates. Her mum's attitude to stairs for my DD would be completely wrong as would mine for her DD. My DD also eats and drinks frequently, and so when we go out I have to make sure I have lots of snacks with me and tend to have a large bag full of things. Other mums leave the house with just a nappy - that's all they need. To me they look underprepared, but to others I look like I'm overprepared. So now I just don't judge people (except for the overweight mum who was feeding her skinny 6 month old skimmed milk because she was scared she was going to get fat. Still shocked about that one).

I agree with Unicorn's earlier thread. I think there are so many 'experts' now telling us what we should and shouldn't do, that it can take a lot of courage to stand up and say atually, I'll what feels right for me.
'Parenting' is a huge industry now, and it's sad that being seen publicly to be doing the 'right' thing is seen by some people as a reflection of how good a parent you are, instead of just relaxing and enjoying your kids.

paolosgirl - Amen to that!

Yes, was looking at the television last night and shows like "how to be a good gardener", and "how to look at wildlife" etc. Why do we have to have people tell us "how" to look at wildlife. On top of that all the magazines on "how" to get a man, keep a man, get rid of a man, get pregnant, get happy, get sorted GET LOST! They should all just get lost, these people who tell you how. Real life is today becoming a how to book. It has to be done perfectly and with great precision (if we believe what the mags and tv says - which I pay no attention to). There is much less community today and less swapping of stories and in my opinion, just plain common sense. Why isnt it "perfect" to have your kid start reading at 4 instead of 3? Why are they going to school at 3 instead of 6 like i did?

Pay nobody no attention. Just as an aside, i bought a really cheap pink sleepsuit. It was regularly £20.00 and i got for next to nothing. Not wanting to waste it, i put it on my son and went shopping. He was wearing a blue coat and blue socks with it. WELL, the looks!!! First they looked at him, then at me, then at him again. I was praying someone would say something so I could use a cocky retort, but nobody did. If i want to put a pink sleepsuit on my son, I will and aint nobody gonna tell me different. Small lives = small minds.

I actually think people were more judgemental before. I think it was a lot harder for my mil in terms of social pressures and attitudes to how to bring up children. Perhaps just other kinds of pressures. Pressure to have nappy-trained at 6 months, not to use a dummy because it meant you were a lazy mum etc etc. She might have had more of a support network with more mums staying home with their children, but how bitchy was the other mums she drank tea with?

I think there has always been expert advice around too. It's nothing new. If anything there are more differences of opinion around these days and different ways of doing things these days than a generation ago.

Some of the things I have done wrong as a parent:

Put baby in own room at 7 weeks (and the farthest bedroom from mine to boot)
Fed solids at 4 months
Given fruit juice from a few months
Not given MMR
Taken to art galleries since tiny (Comment: "XXX is being brought up weirdly")
Allowed to read Jacqueline Wilson books
Allowed to go on weekend residential school trip in Yr 1

And I'm sure dozens more that I haven't directly heard about.

Totally agree Unicorn.

Cam - why do you think the things you have listed are wrong? (just interested?). Particularly interested in the Jacqueline Wilson (suspect yours are older than mine), - what's the bad mummy gossip with JW? & also the issue with art galleries - would be chuffed if mine had an interest in anything other than TV and computer games (have stepsons in addition to my 2y DD). Have to confess tho that I don't give DD fruit juice, although if another mum comes over with juice I don't have palpitations if DD has some.

I've got a motto which goes 'never judge another parent' but the reason i have it is that sometimes i find myself doing so. always i judge the things i hate in my own parenting. like telly - for me a 'good' day is one where i don't sit in front of the telly with ds, who's only 1. someone in my antenatal group has the telly on most of the day. so i don't like that about her parenting, but really it's just jealousy that she's so relaxed about it. naturally her dd's language development is miles ahead of ds's so it also makes me wonder why i'm struggling to avoid the box

and i personally think people were a lot more judgemental in the past. but how would i know.

Fairymum's right, at least we have a variety of experts to choose from (or ignore) today. I once saw a documentary which featured a terrible story. Back in the '40s, the childcare guru was some nutter called Truby King, who insisted babies should be left outside in their prams for an hour a day; mothers shouldn't pick up crying babies as it would only spoil them, v regimented stuff.
One lady's husband took this to extremes. Obviously a bully but the 'experts' gave him an excuse. He used to leave their baby outside in all weathers and lock the door so she couldn't go and rescue her baby.
Poor little thing caught pneumonia and died... and this lady, who was in her 70s or 80s when the programme was made, was still grieving. Dreadful.

IME I've found people on the Internet to be FAR more judgemental on other peoples choices/parenting than in RL.

Since I've been a parent, not once have I received "comments" or feel judged by the way I do things. However, see it daily on the Internet - someone will post an innocent question, and then you get the "Holier than Thou" brigade jumping on the bandwagen.

I am the best parent for my kids - therefore couldn't give a stuff if anyone thinks differently!

That "everything is wonderful all the time" thing use to really get to me in the early days of having a baby. I know people who kept on about it being so easy and how they want loads more children (most had cleaners/au pairs and loads of family to help).

Also I hate that sort of passive/aggresive type of criticism. I remember telling a couple of people how uncuddly my son was and they said "oh mine is very cuddly thats becuse we are a very huggy tactile family". As if I was a cold fish who never touched anyone!

Well said, Jane

Slinky, I think it's probably because the internet is anonymous and people are actively seeking opinions from other people, whereas in rl, people might be judging you, but they wouldn't tell you!