when is the best time to tell dd that dp is not her biological father?

[micci25]

sorry didnt have a clue where to post this but anopther thread has got me thinking.

dd1 is four now she was 10 months when i met dp for the few months she called him by his name, as did we when referring to him, but whike on holiday at about 16 months she suddenly started calling him daddy, with no prompting from anyone, so we just went along with it! she was too young to ever remember anything about dp not being her daddy!

imo we need to tell her the truth, not only because my ex lives in the same town as us, and could easily bump into her and tell her himself when she is older, but also because she has a right to know.

dp would prefer that she didnt know at all but has agreed to go along with my wishes. i think that the younger we tell her the less impact it will have on and that we should tell her now, dp thinks that she is too young to undrstand and we should wait at least a few years.

also while i have never had any contact with ex since my pregnancy and he has never made any effort to contact us or help financially i feel that if if dd wants to try and contact him she should be able to. and there are times when playing with her and realsing how amzing she is that i feel sorry for ex and his family especially that they are missing out on this wonderfull little girl and feel that i should approach them about contact.

dp is adamant that dd is his and he wants her to have nothing to do with ex or his family, but i suspect at times that he is insecure about my relationship with ex and not dd1s best interests.

just looking for opinions on what is the best thing to do for dd1?

i should mention taht we now havce dd2 who is 1!

you already have opinion on when but to me it sounds like dp is insecure about the fact if dd1's "real" dad comes on the scene she will pick her real dad over him and he will get pushed out and sidelined. it sounds like he is worried that they won't have the special daddy/daughter bond anymore cos she'll have that with her real dad. i'm sort of seeing his reaction in the same way a child reacts when a new sibling comes on the scene. they are worried about change, jealous of the new realationship their parents have with it and worried they aren't as special anymore or loved as much.

you could be right there, though i had always presumed that it was my relationship with ex that he was bothered about, id never considered that it could be dd1s as they are so close.

imo he doesnt have anything to worry about re thier relationship as he will always be daddy. he will always be the one that is there picking her up when she falls and reading her bedtime stories. it would be more damaging knowing that she had another father and not knowing what he is like imo.

i think that she would romantisce about ex as a teenager and throw things in dps face such "i bet my real dad wouldnt make me do that", whereas if she knew him she would be less likely to do this.

I've not been in this situation so it is just an idea - but could you do it when looking at her baby book /photos with her?

"Mummy wanted a baby and made you with xx. He was your first daddy but he and mummy aren't friends any more so he lives at a different house. It was just you and mummy at home when you were a very little baby and then daddy came to live with us because he loves you and mummy so much. Then one day we thought that you were so wonderful that we decided to make dd2 so we would have TWO wonderful little girls. So mummy made you and dd2 with different daddys but both your daddies love you lots and Daddy and Mummy love both our little girls lots"

that kind of thing? with lots of reassurance that you and DP love her lots. She may or may not have some difficult questions either now or later but I think you are being really brave, sensible and a lovely mum to think about telling her.

give it a little bit more time.....more time at least to ensure that your DP is 100% happy and has some control too over what and how and where you tell her. Not least, because if and when you do tell DD1, his reaction at that very moment will stay with her, and if he is unhappy, that will have some impact.

if he is 100% committed to staying her daddy (and lets be honest here, that saying 'anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a daddy', is very very true), then he and she will want to still keep that bond that they already have, and you telling her just because you think she has a right to know, and not waiting until the 'really right time' IYGWIM, could have lasting consequences.

you say that DD1's biological father is still around, and yet he has made no attempt to make contact with you or his daughter....that is quite telling in itself. If you DO tell your daughter the truth, and she does want to make contact, and he rejects her, what then??? you cannot take it back, and the hurt and damage could already be done!

I am not saying don;t tell her, of course at some point she does deserve to know, but make sure it is for the right reasons, and for her benefit, and not just because you are scared of here reaction should she find out later.

I had no contact with my own father unitl I was 18, and I didn;t even find out that I had another sibling until I was 17, and yes, I was angry, but I also was old enough to handle it better and try to make my own contact, as an almost adult, rather than as a child who takes adults words much more to heart......I hope you understand what I mean??

oh, and as and when you do tell her.....make sure you have all the facts to hand, and if poss, make contact with her biological father first to make sure he is happy too......the very last thing you will need is him rejecting her at the very first point of contact.

HTH, you clearly love your family so much, it must feel very confusing to be this side of things with littles girls feelings involved.

I think you need to mention it sooner rather than later, but casually rather than in a "DD, I have something to tell you..." sort of way. Then it becomes something trivial that she's almost always known and not a big deal at all. The first part of ummadam's suggestion sounds spot-on to me (except I wouldn't say "So mummy made you and dd2 with different daddies but both your daddies love you lots" -- apart from anything else there's no indication that her biological father does love her. Stick to the fact that Mummy and Daddy now have two little girls and love them both)

I wouldn't do anything about contact.

Sooner rather than later definitely - that way it's much less of a big deal.

Agree better to mention it in passing in a calm manner rather than waiting until she's 18 and doing a big dramatic 'sit down, dd1, there's something we have to tell you'. But do get dp on board before you do anything - ask him why he's concerned about it and suggest that you want to avoid a big scene later that might lead dd to resent both of you. See if you can reassure him with Psycho's line about a real daddy being the person who is there to wipe your tears, hold your hand, tuck you in, etc. etc. etc.

I think sooner rather than later is much better too. (How can there ever be a right time for this? Much better when your DD is younger.)

My sister (who is adopted) has strong views on this sort of thing and we both think my parents did a good job of never keeping things a secret. You could try the line they used with her: real dad is your DP, the one who does all the dad type things; biological dad (or whatever term you want to use) is the one who made her. (Saved my parents from a lot of "my real parents..." stuff when she got older.)

i did mention it in passing once to her, we were at a christening and she asked if her daddy held her at her christening and i said "no dd we didnt know your daddy then your godfather x held you" but she didnt understand the implications of this and just said "oh well next time i am christened daddy will be there and he will hold me"

i have already told him that he will always be her dadddy and i have mentioned that line about there being a huge difference between fathering a child and being a father.

i know that he will always have a father daughter bond with dd no matter what happens. we have had a few problems lately that seem to be resolving now but during that he has always maintained that if he leaves he is taking both his dds with him. he sees no difference between dd1 and dd2.

the reason i feel a bit sorry for x is that a he walked away from a baby that didnt even exist; would he feel any differently knowing that he actually had a little girl, not just a bump?

b when i was pg he initiated a meeting with parents to ask what what expected of him and explain what he wanted; he didnt want her living in the city with me he wanted us both in our home town and if he had to pay for her he wanted access if i stopped him seeing her he would go for full custody. now my father is not a nice chap at times and knows some people you wouldnt take lightly to upsetting iyswim? and he told x in no uncertain terms that he would be paying for her and he would leave things to me as far as contact goes. which makes me wonder is he staying away because he wants to or because he is scared?

when i told him i was pg his intial reaction was that if we were to go ahead he wanted it all to be done right i.e. house together, marriage, me staying home looking after baby and him supporting us, it was only when i refused this that things got nasty.

i think that if dd did say that she wanted contact with him i would answer "okay we will see if we can find him" (i know how to contact him) and if he said he didnt want contact not mention it again to her! and if i decide to contact him anyway i wont mention that i am doing to dd untill i know what he wants.

i also feel very sorry for his mum, does she even know that she has a grandaughter?

i feel i also should mention that both me and my ex acted very childishly re this issue and contact between us stopped when my parents became involved. i stupidly made no effort to involve my self in their intercations with ex and just let them take over.

i made no effort to contact him to let him know that his daughter had been born and ask if he would like to see her and he equally made no effort to contact me.

see i can't even remember if i let ds' dad know if he had been born. i think i did .... that's bad isn't it!

Now. Today. That's when you should start to tell her. To lie about who her biological parent is, is the worst thing you can do to a child. She WILL find out and she may never forgive you.
Other posters have made good suggestions about what to say, etc, and it is important that you don't make a big production number of it, but just mention it casually in conversation every time it is relevant, and she will grow up comfortable with the knowledge.
And yes, your DP may find this a bit difficult, but the bottom line is that he is a grown up and his hurt feelings do not matter more than her right not to be lied to.

after speaking to dp his main issue is that she wants contact with him not that she knows about him. he is adamant that she is his daughter and that ex has no right to see her after walking out on us! but he has agreed that it is something she needs to know about and has left it up to me re contacting ex, but he thinks that we wont be interested!

we have decided that mentioning it to her in a casual way is best and will probably do it this weekend before having a nice family day to reinforce the fact that she is loved and has a father who wants to be in her life.

im not going to be explaining all the details i.e. that ex walked out ect but will skim over those points with things such as "oh he didnt think he would be a very good daddy and he loved so much he wanted you to have a nice daddy so he stayed away" and will explain more when she is old enough to understand and to ask.

re contact with ex i have decided that h should at least be given the opportunity to have a say in weather or not he wishes to see her or know anything about her so have emailed him on an old email adress if he doesnt reply to that i will write to him.

unfortunately i dont know if he is still living at his address as he was only renting a room from a friend so i would have to write to him at his parents address and am not sure if that is a good idea?

If your current DP is jealous that is his problem. He mustn't be permitted to make it your DD's problem. There's lots of advice to be had on here regarding managing contact with an awkward XP, so there are ways of doing it that minimize the stress on all concerned, but your DP's feelings mustn't be allowed to take priority over what your DD wants. He sounds like he needs to get over himself, tbh.

i wouldn't say the "he loved you so much" part cos when she is older she might try to find him and get rejected and it will be clear that he didn't love her. i would stick to something like "he wasn't ready to be a daddy and he didn't think he would be a very good one so he stayed away so you could have a very nice daddy who loved you very much."