I don’t enjoy parenting

[idontifimhonest]

I don’t think I regret becoming a parent because I do want family around me but at the same time, if I’m honest I don’t massively enjoy parenting and days when they are at school / preschool are a relief. But it feels like I’ve just connected with ‘me’ again and then I have to stop and get them.

I do try very hard to be a good parent and I give them a range of activities and they are well dressed, eat a good diet, I ensure they have birthday parties and nice christmases but a lot of it feels a bit performative.

Really, I long for peace: for an extended amount of time at home to relax and to be me again. Home is no longer a place where I relax, I am constantly doing things, can I have this / that, I’m up and down and up and down, constantly.

This is a vent, I’m not seeking advice as such. Although interested in others’ experiences of course.

How old are they? This is so sad to hear.

I feel the same a lot of the time. But I don’t worry about it, it is what it is now. My children are very well cared for and not affected, it’s just me who is longing to be selfish and peaceful again!

For who, for me or for them?

They are nearly six and three.

How many do you have? How old? Are you single?

I don’t think I worry about it as such @BlossomValley . It’s more that I sometimes wonder … at what point do I regain a sense of peace? I think that is what is largely lacking. I just haven’t had extended length of time to myself since they were born. I can’t just visit another city, or explore much further than an hour or so away. I know I’m explaining this badly. At home, the concept of ‘a relaxed Sunday’ or ‘a chilled Friday evening’ has gone!

I have two. I am single, yes, that obviously makes a huge difference. And impacts everybody, I do recognise this.

Being a parent = busy, not every minute of every day is enjoyable. When the 3 year old is 6, it might feel better, they won need as much intense involvement. I used to take a blanket to the park, picnic, and my book and that was as good as it got. Admittedly luckily live in a very safe area.
I also didn't really even watch tv for years, as I realised that I didn't want to feel resentful of missing say a regular show.

I think being a single parent doesn’t help, I am a single parent too and I was feeling the same way today. Everything is so much effort when you have to do things on your own. Having an extra pair of hands makes parenting so much more enjoyable and it feels relentless doing it on your own.
I feel a bit better this evening as I have been outside with the kids and met up with people, I didn’t do a “proper” dinner and they just had cereal to give me a break from the dinnertime battle. I usually feel a lot better about things when I have company so I usually try and meet up with people or invite someone over when I am feeling crappy. Do you work? I wonder if you can book some annual leave for some time to yourself?

I understand. I am married so it’s different for me and I am able to go out on my own. But what I want is to be at home alone with no one touching me, talking to me or needing anything from me for an extended period of time.

It becomes a bit easier as they get older and you don’t have a massive chunk of the evening taken up with bath and bed.
I do empathise, it was very hard work even with DH, both working full time.
I know everyone says it, but I hadn’t realised that after age 9-10 they are not remotely interested in spending time with you (or at least mine aren’t - dds) so it is worth making the most of playing games with them at this age. It does bond you for later.

I know exactly what you mean. My kids are 5 and 3. My house is a tip yet I'm constantly tidying and sweeping. I never get to sit and watch what I want to watch on TV. I never get peace. Nothing is my own any more.

Thanks. It’s definitely things like not being able to watch TV or read or browse shops or just impulsively decide to do … anything really I suppose!

The heat hasn’t helped, sort of feeling like you should be making the most of the weather and simultaneously needing to be inside and stressing about screens!

Single mum here for 12 + years. I used to put a film on and make myself a cuppa just to get half an hour's peace. Does it get better as they get older? Yes but then another set of worries presents itself so....

This isn't sad to hear. It's totally normal. A large proportion of parenting is just drudgery... cooking, cleaning etc. It's relentless.

Honestly this just sounds like most parents. The good ones anyway. Usually it's because of putting in so much energy and effort into them that it's exhausting and yes it isn't enjoyable but it's just a sign your doing the job well. HTH. 🤗

I hear you, it's tough. Sending sympathy.

There will come a day when you decide they're old enough not to need a babysitter any more. Then you'll get your independence back - you just have to yell up the stairs that you're going out, and off you go!

Just hang on in there until that day

I hear you. Single parent here too. I wish I knew other single parents! It is hard when you don't have another adult to share the load, have a laugh with to counteract the hard days, or just to have a moan to. 6 and 3 are hard though, mine are 8 and 10 which are really great ages now, although still hard moments. It is true that at around 10 they stop needing you in the same way but it's really annoying when people say "enjoy every minute, you'll be sad when they become more independent" etc. The two feelings aren't mutually exclusive, you can both miss your old life and crave alone time, and also feel sad when they don't don't want to spend all their time with you. It's tough OP. Sending solidarity.

This wasn't normal for me. Yes parenting is hard - but surely there is joy in it too. My boys are grown up - I miss the early days. I just think it is sad that the OP isn't enjoying it at all.

You’re a single parent of two young children. It will be hard. But it will also get easier as they get older. Another year or two will be a world of difference so do hang in there and also don’t beat yourself up about how you’re feeling.

That being said, I do think modern parents would benefit from being a bit more selfish. What do you mean you’re up and down constantly and that you can’t watch TV? You absolutely can. I think back to my own parents, back in the dark ages when we had all of 4 channels (and then a 5th channel came along to really spoil us for choice!), and there was no such thing as streaming or catch up or watching on demand. Would they have stopped watching what they wanted to because I was there? Absolutely no chance! They watched what they wanted and that meant I also watched it or went off to play if I deemed it to be boring.

Take back your home. It’s good for children to see their parents as whole human beings in their own right, not just servants dancing to their every whim. Set the foundations now.

Being a parent is actually shit for most of the time op, just that most mums don't want to admit that or say it outloud.

This is why i only had 1 child. Love him but its boring and hard.

I’m in therapy about this. I love my children so much and I think I did make the right decision to have them but I had no idea how unsettled it would make me at my core. I worry I will never ever feel the peace and relaxation I once knew. It’s not about busyness or physical space, it’s never been totally at peace. Both my DC have medical issues which has no doubt compounded this feeling - I don’t have an easy parenting journey - but I think aversion of this feeling would have existed in me anyway

Also really agree with this. In the last couple of years I’ve started to be more firm about things like this and it has made a bit of positive difference

It’s good for the kids. I see a stark difference in my child’s ability to play independently and amuse himself, and his friends with parents who say they never get a moments peace to sit down or do what they want. The more they’re given, the more they take. You have to take the time to yourself, your kids aren’t going to give it to you.

People who don't have a kid are not 'selfish'.