I’m sad step child doesn’t want to spend time here

[ihavechangedmynamex2]

Changed name for this. DHs child 9 has decided he no longer wants to stay here with us and DD3, DS1.5.

DSC has always preferred it at their mums with no screen time limits, no teeth brushing, no bathing/showering. Their behaviour is often not good there. Time was spent 50/50 but it all has come to a head with a few other issues arising on both sides. DH made an ultimatum that if he didn’t want to live with structure and few rules when they were here then he wasn’t going to force them to live here at all.

I feel sad because I really tried as step mum to create a loving welcoming home. You feel unappreciated anyway let alone when they leave and don’t even say goodbye properly. I suppose at 9 maybe they don’t understand this could well be set in stone for a long time and not spending any time with his siblings. 😞

not quite sure the point of this post, cant really rant to hubby as he is feeling sad too but I don’t want his sadness to become bitterness towards ex who I do think has bad mouthed and not supported the whole 50/50 situation.

Gosh, your DH gives up easily on his kids doesn’t he?

He has one child who probably feels massively marginalised in your home, because he’s a 9yr old competing with the needs of two very young children and so in response to this your DH hasn’t said “let me set aside some one-on-one time with you son on every visit so you feel loved and important to me” he’s said ”well, don’t bother coming then.”

Your DH is prepared to let his child live full time with little-to-no basic hygiene, rather than parent-up and actually care for his own child? Surely if the treatment at his Mum’s is so bad, your DH should be fighting for full custody with proof of the poor boy’s maltreatment in his mum’s home?

He’s pathetic.

I agree with @WelshRabBite

You don't pack your child off to live with a parent who won't even brush their teeth just because they are a bit challenging.

At 9yo this will do him some real damage.

i can’t understand why your dh didn’t go to court to get his son full time when he’s neglected at his mums?

Yes has he tried for 50/50 at least ? Has he been to court @ihavechangedmynamex2?

I agree with @WelshRabBite why doesn't the father have a court order to be resident parent?

What type of person issues an ultimatum to a child? That's shocking.

What’s the plan when your dc get to 9yo (so still very little) and start saying no to rules. Is the plan to kick them out and then feel sorry for your dh too?

First post nails it

I understand your points. Sorry should have made it a bit clearer, ultimatum was to ex, as she was basically saying just let him be like he is at hers so he’s happy.

to the pp who said DH hasn’t tried - DH took him to football, rugby, matches and swimming every week so had 1:1 time even when it wasn’t “our days”. Organised and took him to dentist appointments. There was a time when every day DH would pick him up from school, we’d do dinner, teeth brushed and shower then drop him to his mums cos she quite frankly didn’t bother. Things did seem to settle down, maybe he should try for court now it’s come to this, but if DSC doesn’t want to be here doesn’t he have a choice? He loves his mum whether she’s neglectful or not.

@ihavechangedmynamex2 If I were your dh I would have put in a claim of full custody the day I knew that my child was neglected at the other parent's house. Your dh is acting like an immature child himself "Oh, so you don't like that we got rules, well then you don't need to come". How embarrassing to see an adult having sa little insight and maturity.

Also. Im not saying DH has done more than any other father just trying to say it’s not like he’s not bothered

Why hasn't he filed for custody? Why does he let his son living with a neglectful parent?

He doesn't have a leg to stand on, slagging off the mother, if he hasn't bothered to get a court order to be resident parent.

he should have gone to court from the outset for full custody on the basis that his son is being neglected. Why didn’t he?

The responses are always the same on threads like this 'why hasn't he gone to court for full custody?' that's not how it works. He had 50/50, the child doesn't want to spend half the time with him and there is no way in hell the court would order the child to spend majority time with the dad on the basis of too much screen time and sporadic teeth brushing. The threshold for the court to change main residence for a child is REALLY high and being a bit shit and neglectful doesn't meet it. There would be no point in him applying to court at all.

He has two shiny new children with @ihavechangedmynamex2, neither of them want the 9 year old full time.

Cor, bit shit giving up on his kid like that.

Yup happy with his new shiny family. Sod his other kid. Then posting for a bit sympathy my heart bleeds for you op. 🙄

Do you have experience in this @RoseField1? I don’t, but really hope what you’re saying isn’t true! It wasn’t sporadic teeth brushing - it was No teeth brushing, no showering, no bathing. That is surely grounds for neglect?

Highly likely @WerewolfOfLoudon, and too busy dating and finding a new wife to bother with court to prevent his child being neglected. Far easier to enjoy oneself dating, then slag off the other parent.

So your husband knows his child isn’t getting his basic needs met and isn’t fighting to have him more or even all of the time. His mother may be crap, but so is his father. If one parent is failing, the other must step in. Poor child. Tell your husband to start being a good parent, even if his child doesn’t like it. He is 9, of course he thinks that less rules are a good thing but as he gets older he’ll be very glad that his father didn’t give up.

His child is 9 and he’s ready to give up!

Yes I do, professional experience. I work with families where there is social work involved due to neglect or abuse and I have been involved in many many sets of private law proceedings.
Firstly, it can't be true that the child literally never showers. And yes, it is legal to neglect your child to an extent. The state will not intervene in low level neglect especially not to change a child's care arrangements. To do that, the court has to be satisfied that the child is suffering significant harm which is a legal threshold.
I don't agree that the dad should just stop bothering with his child or should just accept their wishes at age 9. But the court route is pointless, unless there is a lot more to it than OP said and extensive social services involvement.

Yes it is sad, it sounds like the poor child has had a lot of upheaval in his life already and children often struggle when there are vastly different expectations in different households and they know their parents aren't on the same page. It creates insecurity and now he has two young siblings that are with his dad all the time. It's a lot to deal with.

All you can do is stay calm, keep extending a welcome and hope things change. In the meantime, I hope your DH will make a lot of effort to see him & take him out even if he doesn't want to stay. And facilitate meeting up with his siblings if he wants to as well.