Night weaning help

[Ohana2020]

I need help. I’m at my wits end and don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.

My little boy is 12 months old. I cosleep and up until 3 weeks ago, breastfed through the night (which I’m happy with as he sleeps through apart from latching and unlatching and I am so much more rested).

The problem is I have returned to work and I work mostly days but about once a month I will do 3 night shifts. My husband has already dealt with a breastfed baby (our daughter) in this situation and said it was awful. She’d scream for me/the boob and wouldn’t take a bottle and that went on from age 1-21 months. This time around he’s said he won’t do it again.
He wanted me to give up BF completely which I’m reluctant to do. I love coming home from work and reconnecting with him in that way.
So as a compromise I said I’d night wean him so at least when I’m on nights he won’t want the boob.

So it’s been about 3 weeks. I don’t feed him to sleep. He usually cries for about 20 mins then settles and sleep. But he’s been consistently waking at 1am screaming. Throwing himself at my chest, trying to pull my top down. It kills me. I try to shush him, cuddle him, sing to him. None of it works. He eventually cries himself out and falls asleep. Then wakes again between4-5am when I give in and feed him as I’m so tired by that point.

Everything I read said it’ll be hard but for about a week and then they’d get used to it. Well he’s not used to it. I’m exhausted. He’s upset. And my husband is convinced the answer is to go cold turkey and completely give up BF.

I’m just looking for some advice from anyone who’s been through it or any tips on how to manage this. I just want to give up and feed him overnight. I feel like we’ve traumatised him for 3 weeks for the sake of trying to make 3 nights easier for my husband.

Your DH is a massive dick. I'd be absolutely incandescent at a man like that. Of course you need help with night weaning, the easiest way to night wean a breastfed baby is for the other parent to take over. That's what my DH did, it took 3 nights.

Your baby can smell the milk on you, he doesn't understand why you are there and won't feed him.

The 5am feed did stick for us until around 20 months. Boob was the only way to put him back to sleep at 5am.

@ThatPeppyMauvePoster thank you for replying. I might have to sleep in my daughter’s room for a few nights and see if that helps? Did your LO go through the night without any milk? Did you BF them to sleep for the first put down? My LO won’t take a bottle so I’ll feed him downstairs at about 6:30pm. Wondering if he’d take a bottle when he’s asleep at about 10/11pm? Kind of like a dream feed or just leave him?

I think you being in the room might make it worse. I've had to sleep in my DS' room a few times when we've had guests and he definitely stirred a lot more often.

I also wouldn't introduce a bottle at this stage, it's bad for teeth and you'll create another problem. I doubt he would take it anyway. They don't need a dream feed at this age, BF is.for comfort mostly. Just make sure he has a good dinner. I used to ocasionally give him some porridge in the bath to make sure he's full 🤣

I still breastfed to sleep but any wake ups after that moment, my DH handled. The first few times he cried for 10-20 minutes. By night number 3, he cried 5 minutes max and only woke once. DH rocked him and sang to him back to sleep (we have a rocking chair). Night 4, no wake ups/crying. He did however keep waking up at 5am, and after a few more days, I gave in and BF to sleep at 5am as that was way too early for me to start the day.

He's 2 and I still BF to sleep in the evening and for naps. About once a week he wakes up extra early so I BF then as well. If I'm not there, DH or my mum rock him to sleep.

At nursery the little bugger goes to sleep independently which blows my mind 🤣

But the above being said, my DH was already very involved with the bedtime routine and had handled lots of night wakes when I was sick or busy and needed sleep, and was also putting him.down for 50% of the naps. So DS was used to being settled by dad ocasionally. And DH and I were on the same page re breastfeeding.

The easiest way would be for your DH to help. But if he won't, I'm sure there's some books out there about night weaning. I have to say I have no idea how I would have done it without DH, as DS would get super angry if I was there and would not BF.

For various complicated reasons, I had to return to work, while breastfeeding.. second marriage, but in the 70/80s maternity leave was 6 weeks after birth.i was nursing, originally evening shifts, then nights. DH bottle fed with breast milk. This was in the 90s,no pumps,it was manual. With my first marriage, second ds, 3rd child,I was back at work days (ex h worked nights) he wouldn't sleep, I ended up breastfeeding for 14 months because it was the only thing that would get him to sleep, every 2 hours. Sleep deprived didn't come into it! I was hallucinating.. so I edged out the night feeds with my last baby, just in case, although there was breast milk available. I didn't co sleep with any of them, I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I night weaned by very gradually reducing the length of time my baby fed for. I went from ten minutes each side to 8 minutes, then 6, then 4, then one side only. Then tried no feeding - sometimes I could rock her back to sleep, but sometimes I couldn't, so then I fed her. Over time I could get her back to sleep without breastfeeding more often than not, and then that turned into not at all. I think the whole process took about 3 months. Maybe longer, I can't remember!

This! I feel very sad if you are night weaning just because your DH can't develop his own settling methods. If you genuinely want to night wean, you have to send your DH in instead, that's the only thing that worked for us. We gradually pushed back the time that I would go in and feed. I also wouldn't be introducing a bottle at that age. DH can give milk in a cup before bed, then water overnight. Babies/toddlers act totally differently around different caregivers. Your DH needs to learn to regulate himself and be prepared with different things to try overnight. Breastfeeding has zero impact on his ability to settle his own child. I'd also look at day sleep/bedtime - my daughter's night improved massively when we capped day sleep and did later bedtime, in fact it meant night weaning was straightforward as she slept longer anyway.

Look at Emma Pickett Instagram, she has posts about returning to work and breastfeeding

Curious, how old was your baby? I can see how this would work with a baby but I think toddlers are a bit more determined.

Your husband is a big boy. Why are his feelings more important than the baby's?

Yes, great point! I think I started the very slow night weaning process at maybe around nine months?? And ofc what works for one baby may not (probably won't!) work for another anyway.