Feel like I’m drowning as a mum of twin toddler boys

[StatuesLove]

I have 28-month-old twin boys and I feel like I’m drowning right now.

They are wonderful boys, but they are incredibly difficult to manage right now. They fight constantly, hit each other, scream, tantrum, throw food, climb on everything and seem to egg each other on all day long. If one starts doing something naughty, the other joins in immediately.

Most times they look straight at me and deliberately do the opposite of what I’ve asked them to do. Meals are a battle, bedtime is a battle, getting dressed is a battle, and now they can climb out of their cots so evenings have become incredibly stressful too.
I work two days a week and they go to nursery on those days, but the other five days I’m mostly on my own with them while my husband works full time. By the end of the day we’re both exhausted and stressed, and it’s starting to affect our marriage because we’re both running on empty and losing patience.
I feel guilty even writing this but I honestly feel like I’m losing myself a little and I’m struggling to enjoy motherhood.

Has anyone else been through this with twins or very challenging toddlers? Is this a normal phase for this age? Does it get better? And if so, what actually helped you get through it?
I think I mostly need reassurance that this won’t be my life forever.

I did find this was the worst age. Mine were awful. Whoever said twins grow up being able to share lied. It did get better and we had phases of them being easier but the real turning point was them starting school.

I forgot to say it won’t be your life forever. Mine are ok now they’re adults!

Reading this genuinely made my chest tight, because I remember that exact feeling — not just tired, but drowning, like you've disappeared underneath the day-to-day of it. So first: you're not doing anything wrong. Twin toddlers egging each other on is one of the hardest combinations there is, and five days mostly solo would break anyone down eventually.
A few things that helped me when mine were around this age (not twins, but two close together, so the chaos-multiplier felt similar):

• The egging-each-other-on thing is so real, and it's not really "naughty" behavior — at this age they don't have the brakes yet, and having a partner in crime just amplifies everything. It does ease up as their language catches up and they can actually reason a little instead of just reacting.
• I had to lower my own bar for what a "good day" looked like. Some days meals were a picnic on the floor instead of the table, just to remove the battle entirely. Survival counted as a win, even if nothing looked like the Pinterest version of toddlerhood.
• The climbing was the biggest lightbulb moment for me. I kept fighting it — off the couch, off the table, out of the cot — until I realized they weren't being defiant, they just physically needed to climb and move and I hadn't given them anywhere sanctioned to do it. I got a small indoor climbing set for the living room (a low arch with a ramp) and it honestly took so much pressure off. It didn't fix everything, but it gave them somewhere to burn that energy that wasn't the furniture or each other, and evenings got noticeably calmer.
• My husband and I started tag-teaming in small chunks, even just 20 minutes where one of us fully checked out and the other held the fort. It sounds small but it gave us both just enough back to not be running on completely empty by bedtime.

It does get better — not all at once, but this exact intensity, the hitting, the tantrums, the deliberate defiance, does soften as they get more words and more control over themselves. You're not failing at this. You're just in the hardest part of it, and it's okay to say that out loud.

Hope you’re ok! I am right there with you ❤️❤️ my BG twins Turn 3 next week, I read the other day that it gets easier when they’re 5…. Unfortunately I don’t have a time machine 😭

I don’t have twins so apologies I can’t relate to that part specifically but reading your post it is clearly full on and I felt stressed just reading it!!! Clear boundaries, reward charts and as much separation as you can manage would probably be where I’d start. Wishing you the best of luck! X

Yes, I was just getting through the day at that age- I remember being totally done at 9am and then having to soldier on for another 10-12 hours.

it does get easier somewhere between 3-5yo, and there is an inflection point somewhere in that period where having twins is easier than having singletons as they play together without parental involvement and then later are in the same extracurriculars. I remember being in the midst of the hard stuff though and someone telling me in 2 years it would be easier and wanting to hit her because that felt like an eternity when I was living in 15 minute increments.

my advise is to treat every day as a new game - score is nil/nil, doesn’t matter what happened before. You will win some days, you will draw some days, and some days will be total defeat. Keep hitting reset and do your best to leave bad days in the past.

persevere with boundaries but pick your battles. I didn’t aim for perfect behaviour and in some ways twins were absolutely feral, but the handful of rules we maintained were rock solid.

I look back on the early years with fondness, but the truth is that I didn’t actually enjoy most of it at the time. They are older now (late primary) and genuinely much more enjoyable to parent, though still incredibly difficult at times.

Although I had a baby and toddler dds, not twins, I can relate in that I found it extremely hard. I found it gradually got easier the older they got. Now 19 and 22.

By the end of the day we’re both exhausted and stressed, and it’s starting to affect our marriage because we’re both running on empty and losing patience.

Put them in nursery for 2 more days a week. You will get no judgement from me. It will save you and your marriage from the brink.

I reduced DS nursery days when I went on mat leave with DC2. He was 3. What an error that was. I was at breaking point and had to wait months to get him back in for those dropped days. Meanwhile DH had to work remotely and take unpaid leave because I was unable to function. Literally in dark bedroom with earplugs crying / sleeping on and off for 3 weeks at my worst. We went into debt to do that but had no choice as I was non functional. I will tell you, everyone and their dog was ready to give me a look and tell me it wasn't that bad. But not a single person actually helped me practically or emotionally. So, please don't listen to them.

Yes my now 11 yr old was a super active defiant grumpy toddler that needed to move constantly, climb constantly, walk up and down stairs repetitively, get his own way and slept like crap too. It got better when he started kindy at 3.5 and even better when he started school two years later. He is nothing like that now and is an angel of a child.

OP, could you put them into nursery just for the morning (even just 9-12?) on the other 3 days per week. Just so you get a proper break?

I had twin boys and the way I kept them tamed was to exercise them. Sounds a bit like a boot camp but plenty activity in the morning and they were fine for the rest of the day. Without any physical activity it was mayhem. Good luck OP.

i know someone with toddler twin girls and they are just the same! One is quieter than the other but they argue and egg each other on!
it must be a nightmare ...but it won't go on forever and if you're lucky they'll grow up close...that doesn't help you much now though!

I was going to say this. I didn't have twins but had 2 x DS 2 years apart. Think of it like owning dogs ! You have to take them out for long walks every day. Buy yourself some really good wet weather gear (yes you need this too!) And then just take them to the playground in the rain or whatever the weather. Are there any groups or activities classes you can do nearby? Basically I went to loads with them especially anything free !
The other thing that worked well was having an area they could do boisterous play in, with a mat and maybe some structured cushions they could use for building forts or whatever but giving them a space that meant you didn't need to nag them. Also maybe try to not worry too much if they do bump themselves or wrestle. They will figure it out !