Will my DD miss out by not attending nursery/CM?

[naturelover]

For various reasons, I'd always planned to be a SAHM (like my own mother). The thing is, I'm the only mother I know who is doing this, and my friends all extol the virtues of nursery/CM (the toys, the friends, the stimulation, the activities). I've started wondering if my DD (10 months) will get bored at home with me, especially in a few months' time.

I do take her out every day, not always to a playgroup or swimming - sometimes it's just with another mum and the babies play at our feet. And sometimes it's just a walk in the park.

At home I potter around and although I try to involve her in things (though she IS young), there are periods when I leave her with a pile of toys on the floor and get on with other things. She seems happy and healthy, so should I stop worrying?

I like in a fairly affluent London suburb where there's a lot of expensive "yummy mummy" activities (baby yoga, baby massage, formal swimming sessions). I go to none of them. We've had to become very thrifty indeed in order for me to stay at home and I feel this is a reasonable compromise. I go to the free or cheap council-run things instead.

How much time with other kids do you think my baby needs at this age? And would it "do her good" to be away from me sometimes? We have no family nearby, and we've only ever left her with each other, or with a babysitter at night when she was asleep. Leaving her in daycare would actually be a PITA, as I'm still breastfeeding several times a day.

I think I just need reassurance that my "old fashioned" way of parenting is ok, because in real life I'm the odd one out.

I'm doing the same - DD may go to a nursery PART TIME when she's three but I can't see what she's missing. She has friends she sees regularly, and regular activities. I'm pregnant with our second child so I'm going to be here anyway - we live in the sticks - every day we go out and get exercise or we go out and do something - we also stay in and paint, sing, bang things all that sort of stuff.

Aside from missing a few diseases, I'm not entirely sure what it is she's supposed to be being deprived of

i think as long as YOU are ok with this what is the problem? I know some SAHM put their LO in nursery part time so they can have some 'me' time - no problem there either. I would suggest as you are already doing going to some toddler groups so she can get used to being with other babies. Is there a surestart centre near you? I think they are fab!

Another thing I've noticed is that some mums insist on dawn till dusk 'activities' for SAH(babies) so they go to various different clubs driving their babies from tumble tots in the morning, to music club/french for babies in the afternoon, with very little time for free play and just chilling out with mum. Which seems a shame. If you are going to do this, just send the bloody kid to nursery!

hi naturelover

As long as your DD seems happy and you do a few things with her, I think your situation is great. IMO you definitely do not need to be doing something structured every day with a child of 10 months. A few play dates with other children and mums and a few trips to the park and swimming pool are fine.

As she gets older (for some children that might be 2, for others they will be closer to 3), she might enjoy going to a pre-school/nursery without you for a few sessions a week. Although you might want to bear in mind that if you want her to go to a pre-school a few mornings a week you should probably put her on a waiting list soonish (regardless of whether it is private, state run or not-for-profit)

It sounds like you're really enjoying your time with her and that's fantastic!

Your daughter will be fine. Both my children have turned into confident secure individuals. The elder did pre-school at three,nursery at 4 and then started school. The younger is just finishing nursery with school in Sept., and although much quieter than her brother was equally happy at being left and has made friends. I took them both to informal toddler groups, some of which 'specialised' in different activities such as singing, but nothing structured or expensive! Stick with it - I think you can't beat having Mum around.

Well there is alot of psychological evidence that strongly suggest one main carer until the age of 2/2.5 for girls, and nearer 3 for boys is definitely best. I do a few organised activities in the mornings or toddler groups (mine cost £1 in a affluent London suburb) - just to get out of the house but we potter around the house or local area in the afternoons.

I'm sending my DD to pre-school a couple of months before she is 3, she is nearly 20 months now, and time seems to be flying by.

However, like you round here most of the children my DDs age are at nursery for at least part of the week. I have fewer clothes/make up etc... being a SAHM and sometimes its boring but other times its magical and that makes up for it. I have very little me time as very little family help but the time when they are so small is tiny, I have years of me time ahead of me.

I'm with Tapster - the research shows that she'll actually be better off being with one main carer (i.e. you), than going to nursery, certainly, or even a childminder. Until they're two, they don't really socialise - they like seeing other children, but don't need it, what they need is the security.

I'm the odd one out too - almost all the other children dd's age are in nursery 2 or 3 days a week, and I find it wierd sometimes that I'm the only one not doing this (had quite a high-powered job before, so was not the most likely candidate, even in my own head!).

Having said all that, I have to admit that dd does spend 2 mornings a week with a childminder - but that's always the same person, and only 2 other children there. I justify it as being like leaving her with a family member, as we don't have family here. And it's for my good, not hers.

But it is wierd how what's considered 'normal' for children has changed so much in the last 30 years.

Is it Steve Biddulph (the happy children guy?) who recommends that children only go to pre-school etc after the age of 3?
My dd started nursery (mornings) at 3 and loves it. I'm glad to have had those years with her.We didn't do any of the formal stuff- I'm in Italy and there isn't any, for a start!

I kept mine at home till they went to state nuresry part time when they were 3 years.

Never did them any harm

FiL's cousin asked me if I took DS to any activities the other day. She used to be a HV

This thread has reminded me that it's fine... thank you

"Leaving her in daycare would actually be a PITA"

There you go then, there is no one size fits all with kids/families. If you do what works for YOUR FAMILY then it is exactly the right thing!

I instead sent mine to nursery twice a week since they were 12 months old for various reasons.
First of all I wanted them to learn English from a young age (me and dh are Italian so Italian is spoken at home)and culturally I preferred a nursery environment rather then a nanny (I come from Milan, where there are excellent nurseries for small children).

Secondly when I had my first child in the UK I felt very lonely, I had no friends with children at that time, no family around me. I didn't want him to "breathe" my loneliness the whole day.

Third I believed that a good nursery (good means with caring staff) would have benefitted my children, and I think it did.

Your dd is best with you. My ds went to nursery part time. But I wouldn't recommend it to you.
It might be nice if you could strike up a friendship with one mum, who has a dd the same age as you.
Then you can pop round ofr a coffee and your dd's cn grow together/interact as they get older.
Screw the yoga and all that nonsense. Why bother.
Don't worry. You are fine.

slight highjack warning - Does anyone else on here not do anything, as in anything at all? i spend most of my day playing with ds (9.5 months) but i have only left the house with him about 5 times without dp, and the last time was novemeber - is he missing out? and if so, what on?

Yes its Steve Biddulph that really advocates being a SAHM if you can. I do see alot of childminders and nannies, and nurseries taking the children out to the local park when I'm out and about, and good ones seem few and far between. I'm sure they are out there but nobody is going to look after your child as well as you. I have a little friend in my DD and I will miss her when she goes to pre-school.

I never took ds anywhere.
I met up with a group of post natal mums once a week.
Other than that we played, by the timei had doen the breakfast washing up, put on a load of ironing, it was time for lunch. We might go to the park. Then I would prepare dinner for me, ds and dh upon his retun home fom work.

These people that fly off to yoga, crazy tots, french lessons etc, when the f**k do they do the washing up ?

Ds aged 1-3, pottered around with me, I played with his trains, he helps me fold the washing etc. That is what we did. It is called living.
Not entertaining a baby 24/7

Thanks everyone, you're making me feel a lot better!

I didn't take mine to those toddlers' activities, apart from their 2 days at nursery. I hated toddlers group. Luckily a friend of mine had a baby when my first was 15 months and we started to see each other more regularly. All I did when ds was a tiny baby was taking him around in his pushchair, he loved looking around and it was the only time when I could think to myself.

naturelover -

Our story is similar to yours. We live on the fringes of a very bunting cupcake neighbourhood with lots of £7+ a session mother & baby activities. We went to virtually none of those but went almost every day to £1 a time playgroups and story time in the library. DC went to pre-school when she was three and it was free.

She's happy and (in my view) well-adjusted and coped fine with the transition to pre-school and then school. It worked for her and I'm sure it'll work for your child too.

I did a thread on this a couple of months ago and there's a good range of replies there here

My DD (11 months) goes to nursery two days though I may give up work soon and take her out. I can't see much benefit at this age. Her nursery is very popular with a huge waiting list but she doesn't really do very much in the baby room. It's really not surprising. They usually have 9 babies of different ages with 3 staff. By the time you've made sure they all have food, milk, nappy change, sleep to their different schedules and you've filled in all the forms and all the staff have had their breaks and lunch then there's not much time to do a whole lot else. Plus our nursery has some silly rule about not going outside between 10 and 3 in the summer so they really are stuck inside. Every time I pick her up she is either eating, having a nappy change or wondering about whilst another baby has the food/milk/change. E.g. yesterday she was sat in the corner with a plastic sieve on her head. That's OK but hardly a key development opportunity she'd miss at home. I'm not saying it's harmful but I can't see that the little ones get that much out of it and they hardly interact in any case.

Once they are older, can do more and their physical needs are more similar and less demanding I'm sure that there's lots of room for interesting stuff but by that age I imagine you may want to put her in some kind of play group or preschool anyway.

Naturelover sounds like you are having a good time with your baby and that you are doing fun things. I'm not sure babies need to spend time with other babies particularly, but from your OP you do socialise with her with other parents and children. I think at around about 2 1/2ish it can be really good to go to a more formal nursery/pre-school. Certainly both my two loved it, and their language skills improved no end.

BabyDuds do you really never leave the house? I would be worried for you rather than for your baby - do you not feel a bit isolated? The only problems I would see for your little one is lack of sunlight if you don't go outside at all, and lack of exposure to infections (good for the developing immune system), also new experiences unless you have a very varied schedule at home. I don't think staying indoors all the time is very good for anyone to be honest.

My daughter was with me all the time until she went to pre-school at 2.10. That was fine. I didn't do yummy mummy activities though I did quite a lot of travelling.