Feel like a bad parent

[IAmWhoIAmm]

Does anyone feel like a bad parent sometimes? Im a single parent, ive raised my children completely alone and have never had a single bit of “help” from their father and im just exhausted. Hes never had them overnight, never done a school run (doesnt even know what school they go to) never done an appointment a bed time, never cooked them dinner just fully and completely absent. Today I just sat there and really didn’t want to collect them from school, of course I did but I feel absolutely awful feeling that way. All it is, is constant, cleaning, cooking, and running around after them. It doesn’t get any better either as they get older as they are “older” but im more tired now maybe it’s because I’m older, or just have less energy or feel more worn out as times gone on, I don’t know. Can anyone relate?

How on earth are you a bad parent when you are doing it all? Their father is the bad parent!

How old are the children? Are they old enough to be allocated some chores and/or cook simple family meals with help? Don't fall into the trap of running around doing stuff for them that they can do themselves. Giving them some responsibilities is great for building their confidence and self-sufficiency.

You’re not a bad parent. You are an exhausted human.

Because I didn’t want to collect them from school, I often dream of just walking away sometimes. They are old enough to help but I don’t find it helpful, it’s easier to do it on my own.

How old are they? Of course it gets better as they can do things for themselves. Terms are a rollercoaster though!

I’ve explained why it hasn’t got better for me i have been doing this for 10 years, it isnt any better and it gets more relentless as time goes on as im older now and less energy and feel more worn out now the longer ive done this alone

I will add, I have less patients the more I’ve been carrying everything alone. The years have aged me and it’s got harder as times gone on because I am so exhausted.

You are fed up and exhausted maybe depressed, that doesn't make you a bad parent, you had a moment but you went, does anyone have them a grandparent or another family member just to give you a bit of a break?

I would give them some chores even if you drop some standards it will give them some responsibility for themselves.

No my family would not have my children

Very often. But I do recognise that me feeling like that is because I’ve run myself ragged for 14 years and counting with no bugger else to take responsibility, which hits even harder as there is serious ND involved. So I do cut a few corners here and there, pick my battles and hills to die on. We don’t get the instruction manual, we don’t get to press pause or mute, reset to factory settings. We don’t even get the receipt! I keep that in mind at the hard times, because even if you briefly wanted to return them for a refund or sell them on EBay, you wouldn’t actually ever do it. To be without them would be the end of the world. This too shall pass speaks for so much, endless stages and conflict and worry and fear and second guessing, and the buck always comes down to you as the lone parent. But every single bit we do, every battle we fight has an effect for them even though most seem like nothing. It’s the useless waste of space of the other “parent” who should be eternally tortured in the bowels of hell. And the child certainly does realise that, the older they get. I do get the feeling that I want to run away very often. I don’t think I’d actually manage further than the next town without panicking and running back.

Yes I can relate. I've been separated for 4 years and co-parenting with ex H so I have "help". However it's still mentally and physically exhausting and lonely as fuck. I work full time, do all the housework and the majority of the parenting and mental gymnastics and constant to do list and worry list. All whilst being the best I can be for DC including being the safe, secure and patient mum (I never had). You're not a bad parent, you're carrying the full load of parenting alone. I don't have any advice but lots of sympathy 💐

You don't sound like a bad parent at all. You sound like a parent who has been totally devoted and needs a break. How old are they? Do you have friends?

@IAmWhoIAmm I can definitely relate and I worked full time commuting 2 hours a day on top.
There wasn't much spare money but we got through it.
I'm massively proud of them just as you'll be.
Take them out for picnics sometimes to keep the house tidy. You'll enjoy it too.
Don't grind yourself down any more than you need to. Take time for yourself.

I have never been a single parent and sometimes I get overwhelmed and snap and then feel terrible when I take myself out for a walk on my own. So I can only imagine how it would feel if you’re a single parent. But really you don’t sound like a bad parent. You sound like an exhausted one and need a break. I was told once that bad parents don’t question if they are bad parents they pat themselves on the back for the little they did.

Thanks for the comments, I do have a couple of friends but they aren’t able to help with my kids which is fine. My children are secondary/ late primary.

I had 3 children with the perfect man and still felt like this sometimes.

Raising children well is exhausting and thankless. The drudge, the routine, the self sacrifice, the boundaries you have to hold when you’re least feeling like it, the relentlessness with seemingly little reward.

But trust me… your reward will come. My kids are adults now and they are such cool lovely people precisely because of all the years of solid boring groundwork. And we are now able to hang out and have fun and enjoy our time together. It’s the joy of my life.

Keep going op. Everything you’re feeling is precisely because you are a good parent.