Counselling for a teenager: helpful support or undermining self-reliance?

[ByJollyCoralSwan]

My wife and I have a teenage son, 16, who is self-harming. So far just the odd scratch on the arm, which heals. Some issues with self-esteem at the moment as well, despite having a good school record, v nice girlfriend, active social life etc (much better than I had at that age...) In other words, no obvious traumas or difficulties that we know of, past or present. We have talked about it with him a bit, but my wife has suggested he sees a counsellor. I realise this may be a minority view, but I am personally not v keen on the idea of us paying for him to talk with someone who doesn't know him or us: it feels like we are outsourcing issues that should be dealt with in the family home or via his peers. I am also slightly uncomfortable with the idea of him having any kind of therapy at this age anyway. I fear it will mean he doesn't learn self-reliance and may end up seeing counsellors as a panacea for other challenges or setbacks in his life. In the interests of family harmony, I am going to go along with my wife's suggestion, as I don't want to aggravate the situation, but it has been a bit of a point of friction between us. Posting this partly to see if anyone can persuade me otherwise, although I would welcome views either way.

It is a tricky one, I think a counsellor would allow him to talk about his feelings and any issues in a way he can’t speak to you, which could help.

some people seem to find taking about things very useful, others find it is just constantly reliving whatever upset them.

My 15 year daughter was seeing a private counsellor for self harm, school avoidance and other issues and the bloody woman told her that she needed SSRIs and anti anxiety medication and a formal diagnosis. We chose not to go down this path as it didn’t seem right and Camhs are worse than useless anyway and it wasn’t offered and have instead gone down a managing and overcoming anxiety and building resilience route. We are not out of the woods yet but we are seeing improvements.

Do his mates or girlfriend self harm? As for my daughter there was a major element of social contagion going on.

I had therapy as a young person (19) and I think it actually taught me to deal with issues in a way that I wouldn’t have learnt otherwise. A lot of my problems then were linked to my relationship with my mum, but also other stuff, and I couldn’t have spoken about any of it with anyone in my environment. I honestly think without therapy I wouldn’t have as good a relationship as I have with my mum nowadays, 30 years later! I needed the neutral space to work things out on my own.

@ByJollyCoralSwan my son had counselling as he really struggled socially. It helped him see around the problem instead of it being his big worry. Now he does volunteering regularly, has a wide social group. Before the counselling he wouldn't leave the house. So definitely an improvement

Thanks - yes , I think there is a bit of an element of social contagion there, although nothing serious. It's also just a big part of the conversation these days among that age cohort, along with all matters mental-health related.

I had counselling from ages 13 till 17. I'm not sure I'd be here if I hadn't of had that outlet to just be.
The teenage years are hard going. Even when on the outside you look like you have friends and a gf/bf you can still be very lost and lonely. Family while may be well meaning can pose a pressure to be handling everything and not bring them stress or concern.
I never think you have anything to loose seeing a good counsellor. Your teen will let you or the counsellor know if it's not for them.

Would you be reluctant to let your child see a dentist or a physiotherapist because you think you should be able to handle it yourselves and getting treatment risks undermining self reliance? No? Exactly.

You are being immensely unreasonable but it comes from a preconception that counselling is just talking, which is understandable. It’s not just that. Talking to a trained, neutral third party is different to talking to family.

Your post has made me really sad. Your poor child. Self harm is not something you yourself are equipped to deal with.

Thanks. I think the slight difference here is that my son has no obvious issues that we're aware of (and he's relatively open with us) so it's not easy for me to see what a counsellor will be able to do. I am all for counselling if someone has had some sort of trauma, but if it's just general growing-up stuff then I am not so sure

Thanks, glad to hear that it helped.

@ByJollyCoralSwan my son was the same. Nothing obvious but struggling internally. Sometimes the counsellor is easier to talk to? I have a good relationship with my son but there are somethings he finds it easier to talk outside the family

Thanks. As I say, that's the way we're heading so we'll see how it goes.

If he’s self harming I definitely would. They can mask how they are feeling inside and people who are very depressed can seem to be having a great life from others point of views. I think it’s a fantastic idea and hope it helps.

This.

You honestly sound like this poor boy will just pull his socks up and deal with it. He is self-harming. He is not dealing with life well on his own, and needs to speak to someone who has qualifications and experience with helping such a troubled boy. Something is obviously troubling him, and family is not always where a teenager would turn to for help.

Please don’t leave him to suffer. It can get worse, and it wont be little scratches anymore.

“no obvious traumas or difficulties that we know of, past or present”

“no obvious issues that we're aware of (and he's relatively open with us”

Astonishing that your reaction is ‘so he doesn’t really need counselling and we can just deal with it’ and not ‘perhaps there is something we don’t know about’.

I self-harmed at 16 and was suicidal due to some traumas my parents didn’t know about (including sexual abuse). They would and did say the same as you, that nothing was really wrong.

Clearly something is in fact wrong.

A good counsellor is more likely to teach him self-reliance than foster dependence.

Your attitude is sad and concerning.

very few teens are truly open with their parents.

my dc was really struggling with anxiety and dissociation and he saw a therapist who clocked it was beyond his pay grade and referred on to a private psychiatrist.

teens are generally very very keen on fitting in and don’t share details of their MH challenges with parents or peers.

the teenage years are a real peak in prevalence of MH issues - schizophrenia starts developing then, and anorexia is famously very prevalent amongst teenage girls.

fixing MH issues (as opposed to, for example, following an eating plan given by an anorexia specialist) is way beyond most parents.

I really think it would help him
to talk to someone, on paper or the surface people often look to have no obvious reason for being down, or depressed, they just are or have insecurities and anxieties that they just can’t deal with in their own minds.

Suffering from anxiety and depression myself I found CBT immensely helpful a few years ago, even just getting all my feelings out helped.

He may not want to speak to parents, I am way older but couldn’t imagine telling them. But he needs some help and the sooner the better, self harm can not be dealt with at home I wouldn’t have thought.

It’s no exaggeration to say that good counselling saved my daughter’s life.

she was also self harming and she isn’t now, many years later she’s thriving.

spend a lot of time finding the right person and let your son choose.

worth every penny.

Good counselling will give your DS the tools to become self reliant.

It’s very difficult for young people to speak to their parents. Counselling offers support that they can access without judgement from their family (from their point of view). There are also some self help resources such as Alumina who offer a free online SH course, self harm network and general mental health support resources such as young minds & shout who offer text support. Stop.Breathe.Think offer free telephone counselling. Kooth offer lots of resources & they used to (I’m not sure if they still do) offer free online counselling. Also at 16 he is old enough to access NHS Talking Therapies. If you google that & your area, there will be a link to self refer.

You should enlist a clinical psychologist, or a counsellor you know is good. A psychologist will help your son work out why he experiences his difficult feelings and tools to manage them, and of course he needs these tools if he’s self harming as he evidently struggles with emotional regulation. If he gets these tools now it will prevent further and more severe issues later down the line. (Some counsellors just provide a neutral listening space - so I’d get an experienced psychologist.)

Thanks everyone for all these various responses and suggestions...