Concerned about children’s care, food and routines at their dad’s house

[Lll898]

My ex partner and I co parent.

He has ever other weekend Fri after school to Monday morning, and then one night in the week.
I give him half the child benefit.

The boys are 4&5, my 5 year old has additional needs so I am so grateful we have a co parenting relationship as there is a break.
However my 5 year old whenever I call is always sat on the Playstation, we video call once per day no set time but tends to be afternoon my 4 year old is clearly bored in the background. I have bought this up why and dad response 4 year old does not want to watch the TV or doesn't want a go, when he clearly does.

My 4 year old is Lactose intolerant and dad started refusing to buy his soya milk about 6 months ago as it's expensive so only provides toast for him for breakfast.
Two weeks back my 5 year old had constipation he screamed on toliet I asked what have you been eating at dad's bread, and I mean that exactly when I challenged dad they were given toast for breakfast and lunch, smily faces and chicken dippers for dinner. He won't buy fruit as the boys don't eat it there. I do not believe this as they demolish strawberries bananas and blueberries here like I grow them.

My 4 year old has also been hurt twice once he bit through his tongue falling over and his burnt his arm on a hot tray as he was in kitchen at same time as dishing up. ( both relatively recently)

I am getting more concerned I believe in many ways he is sticking out 5 year old in front of the Playstation all day and my 4 year old is left bored, whether if finances or not he seems to not care what they are fed.

I have suggested I would order a Tesco shop with half child benefit money and he has said he needs money for the boys.

This morning we had a nursery graduation for my 4 year old and it's Dads weekend, when I went to say goodbye in car park my 4 year old grabbed onto my leg and said no go with mummy, I said to dad quietly he can come with me, dad said no his time, as a compromise we agreed I could pick the boys up tomorrow morning, told my 4 year old mummy come when you wake up and bring you home.

I have tried talking to him but he turns the conversation into all i want to do is ruin his relationship with them, this couldn't be further from the truth the night off I get per week is spent blitzing the house and going food shopping and my weekend is time to almost regimented see friends Friday night, house gardening etc Saturday Sunday I work full time too, so actually managing to sleep my 5 year old does not sleep well at all.

Any suggestions I would be grateful

I am considering stopping the money and dropping a cool bag on a Friday night of food etc for them but I know this would really annoy dad

How would you feel if dad dropped a bag of grocery on your doorstep instead of money?
You aren't having constipation because you don't get expensive fruit like strawberries, blueberries or having milk. Apples, oranges and water will do just fine.
Go careful.

He should be buying more food for them. Strawberries are expensive but if they get eaten it worth it. Tinned fruit is cheaper as is frozen and he wouldn’t have any wastage issues.
Why do you give him half the child benefit if they’re with you the majority of the time?

Dad gets to make the parenting decisions on his time. You won’t like them or agree with them. They will fall short of your standards. But unless you think the children are being harmed or are in danger you need to hold your nose and get on with it.

Why are you giving him half the child benefit when he has them for so little time?

You shouldn’t be giving him any money! He should be paying maintenance to you as you have the children more. Stop paying him and make a claim for maintenance.

He sounds shit. Who puts a 5 year old in front of a PlayStation for hours and neglects a 4 year old.

You don’t need to goive him any CB. How much maintenance is he paying?

It doesn’t sound like great parenting but chicken dippers and PlayStation is not going to be on any courts radar when it comes to contact. His time, his rules.
It would however break my heart if my 4yo wanted to go with me and couldn’t. I wonder if there is a reason for that or if in that moment he just wanted his mum. That’s the bit I’d be focusing on not the beige food and screen time.

Why on earth would you send them if you are this concerned??????

absolutely baffling!

I’d be having words and if he can’t look after them amd has excessive screen time which shows lazy parenting and buy healthy food and encourage them to eat healthily - I would then stop the access and just have them at your house. He sounds awful and you’re aware of this and still sending your kids there…….. ok

This is well below the threshold that any authority would see as neglect. If he took it to court, this wouldn't stop him getting access. Would he take it to court if you stopped overnights?

As others have said, you can also stop giving him money and claim CMS. But again, he could retaliate by taking it to court for 50/50.

He should be the one giving you child support. Please speak to others who co parent this isn’t right.

Thank you for replies

I give him half the child benefit so he can provide when he has them, he earns less than me per year.

Until recently I had no concerns at all, the Playstation appeared in May and not long after then my concerns started.

I do not want to stop the boys with dad I am very much for children to have the relationship, maybe I need to listen to some advice above parenting on his time comes down to him.

He does not pay CMS he earns less than me and we agreed when we started co parenting that i spilt the child benefit but each provide at home, we also spilt school uniform costs down the middle.

You can’t just stop access. He has as much right to see the children as the op (if he’s on the birth certificate). This would be laughed out of court in terms of neglect allegations. It is lazy parenting but it is not something you can just stop access over and the courts would take a very dim view of it which could actually backfire on the op.

You are being way too generous. He is welcome to get a better paying job if he wishes to or needs the money. It's irrelevant that he earns less if they are with you more he should be paying maintenance.