Mums of all boys

[Flutterbees]

I hope this is the right/a good place to post this query. I’m wondering if other mums of only boys feel lonely within their family unit? I have three boys, ranging in age from late teens to mid teens. The older boys are at university and live away from home, but we see them very often. The youngest is still at school but very independent. For the first time since becoming a mum, I’ve started to feel how different I am as a female in my otherwise all male family. I’ve always tried to join in the boys’ interests (sport, music and computer games etc), but I feel like they are growing further apart from me, while they relate well with their dad. In particular, I feel like I’m the kill joy parent who worries about the older boys drinking and the influence of that and DH’s drinking on our youngest (he idolises his dad). I’m forever picking all of them up on swearing, disrespect of other people (particularly women) and generally encourage them to be good humans. And they are beautiful people, but it’s exhausting setting and maintaining boundaries and DH doesn’t get it. I feel like it’s because I’m female and they are all male. Anyway, for the first time in about 20 years I feel lonely and alone in my immediate family, and it hurts.

I think this might come down to personalities rather than the sex of you DC. I don't have any daughters but I haven't experienced this at all, and am a lot closer to my son than DH is (although they were closer when he was younger, I just think DH has struggled a bit with him now being a young adult).

But the behavior of your DC is not something I'd tolerate at all and should really have been nipped in the bud when it started - it's not easy to change it now they're adults. You should absolutely make it clear it's not acceptable, and your DH should be also ensuring they're treating women with respect.

I have 2 boys (21&19) both at uni and I don’t recognize this. Yes the boys and their dad like football (bores me to tears) and I feel a bit excluded from that aspect, but I think your concerns are more fundamental. They do drink a bit much on occasion (but so did I at that age) but I’ve never had concerns about disrespectful behaviour. If that did happen I know DH would be equally appalled. I think you have a DH problem.

I see all the mums with perfect sons have arrived.
Sorry OP that sounds tough. My sister has all boys and a wonderful thing has happened to her in the form of girlfriends and now daughter in laws. She has a great relationship with them and they have added so much to her life.

So you think posters should just pretend so they can agree with the app?

To clarify, the disrespect thing is something they see all around them, so it’s hard to get and stay on top of (yes, I have been trying to nip it in the bud since forever!). I live in Australia, and an example is that generally speaking our female sports teams perform much better than the men’s teams in high level and international competitions (ie the Matildas and the Socceroos), however there is very little respect for women in sport over here and that’s what my sons see around them. Additionally, we have a far right political party challenging the middle right and left over here, so my boys are constantly hearing racist, sexist, racist, and mysogynistic comments in the news which they are grappling with. That in amongst high profile podcasters interviewing the likes of Tommy Robinson (with whom you would be familiar). The messaging all around them at the moment is swinging in a way that I find deeply disturbing and young people are not equipped to critique it. DH is a privileged white male, so while he picks up on some of it, a lot of the messaging passes him by. It’s exhausting being a female who has to challenge what the males in my life think, say, and do when I feel they haven’t thought through a view properly, or I consider their behaviour is disrespectful. So maybe I’m feeling isolated because I’m feeling tired, but yes @Treetreetreetree it is tough, thanks for hearing me, I really appreciate it.

I have 5 boys aged between 20 and 12 and I've never experienced that but only one of mine is interested in sport so maybe that makes a difference. We have had other problems with them but nothing specific to them being boys.

All boys here, 19, 17 and 12. My kids are lovely and we don't have any problems like you describe. I don't think that looking to the wider political/ social landscape will net you any reward, their first and most influential model for behaviour is you and your husband.

As for you dh's limitations, I expect personality rather than being a white, privileged, male is the issue. It's odd that you would identify the latter though, I mean I can't tell if that is just the excuse you have created for him or if you actually hold him in contempt for it -but, then, it didn't stop you marrying or having children with him?

Anyway, don't give up on your kids. They are bonded to you and they love you. If you need to give their head a collective wobble because they are treating you poorly, you need to make that change with your dh..And if he can't do that, then you have a marriage problem first and foremost.

I feel like my OP is being misconstrued. Without exception, every single one of my boys’ teachers has always described them in glowing terms. They have been school leaders, they excel in their academic work, they have represented their school in sport and music and are generally upstanding members of the community. Both of my Uni boys coached teams and music groups back at school last year. We’ve never been called by the school for behaviour or any issues like that. Both of my Uni boys live out of home and their flatmates have commented how clean they keep their respective places. So jumping to conclusions that they are problem kids with failed parenting isn’t progressing the discussion. I think I am struggling because I have high expectations regarding their standards of behaviour and I feel like our family has fallen into patterns of me pulling them up on things while DH is the fun parent. So maybe it’s a DH thing rather than me being isolated because they all have more in common being males. I don’t know.

I have all boys. Eldest is 13, youngest is 10. It came feel lonely sometimes. But at the moment they are still at that age where they need me. Not looking forward to thr day where the don't

Thank you, that feels validating. I hope your boys continue to need you for a long time!

Op, I just posted my own thread about feeling desperately lonely. I think a big part of it is that I only have boys. I have very few female relatives and I don’t think I have many female friends.

I used to be so close to my boys. We still are but they are more independent now and have more in common with their dad.

I feel massively lonely too in a noisy house full of music and laughter.

I hear you and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I think the fact that we’ve both posted on a very similar topic on the same day validates our feelings. I don’t have a solution, I wish I did.