Period Talk / Dads

[DadBod84]

Hi Mumsnetters, man here. Sorry for invading your online space but I figured you might have views or suggestions.

I have two daughters, aged 10 and 8. My approach to parenting is basically to raise the girls with their heads in the real world. With topics about life, if they ask questions, I will answer honestly. With behaviour, I am understanding but demand standards.

So if they ask about stuff on tv, I'll explain it. I make sure they say please and thank you, they don't get a free pass just because they're kids. If they spill their dinner, no problem, we all spill stuff - but they need to clean it up. That sort of thing. I try to make sure they aren't overly mollycoddled.

A while back when the tv was on, an Always advert came on and my eldest daughter asked about it. I don't know what triggered her curiousity but she is quite inquisitve in general. Not wanting this to become an awkward thing she can't discuss with her Dad, I basically explained "this is what happens to girls as they get older, it's nothing to worry about, happens to 50% of the world, and the product is something to help deal with it". Real world. Answered her question, she didn't bat an eyelid, and I felt it all went pretty well.

That was until my wife had a discussion with her the next night, and it turns out she was terrified at the prospect of this happening to her, quite upset, worried it would hurt, and my wife was seriously annoyed with me for being so frank about it all that I had freaked her out. My bad, I clearly f**ked up. The intention was to normalise it, but clearly it didn't land well.

Anyway, time moves on and she's now 10. My wife thinks the real thing is imminent (kind of a 6th sence... I don't doubt she'll be right). So this topic may be shortly upon us and I am now unsure how best to handle it.

Do I just ignore it, pretend it isn't happening and let my wife deal with it?
I am guessing raising it with her is almost certain to embarrass her and is a terrible idea, so I'm not planning on that.
What about are lighthearted "are you all good?" in a way that lets her know I know she is going through something, that I am here to help, but which doesn't address it directly?

Basically this particular issue is the first puberty / teenage issue I'm facing as a Dad of girls and may impact how we discuss all the sex, drugs and rock n roll topics which will enter our lives over the next 10 years.

How do I avoid being absolutely absent from it all, someone they then feel they can't talk to as they get older, without crossing the line to embarrassing Dad who gets involved in personal stuff he needs to butt out of?

Why don’t you ask your wife?

I thought you were a single Dad. This definitely something that’s better for Mum to discuss if she’s still around.

I think the fact you're asking the question, rather than just not wanting to talk about it, is lovely. That said, I would have died of embarrassment if my dad had talked to me about it when I started!

I'd probably just have your wife tell her "dad is here too if you want to talk to him about anything but he understands if you'd rather keep it between us girls"

I would talk with your wife about it but the reality is you should be talking openly about it. What happens if she starts her first period and mum isn’t around that day? What happens when she needs period products and you are the one going shopping? My dad was super sensible and my friend used to have to ask me to ask my dad to get her sanitary products when she ran out if her mum wasn’t around as she wouldn’t ask her own dad. She knew mine was practical about the whole thing.

Personally, I just let myself be led by DD on it.

She'll happily tell me she's got period pain, or to ask me to pick up tampons etc, but anything more than that she's always gone to DP about.

Basically, I think she's taken her lead from DP, both are topics that DP would happily talk about to me in front of DD, so DD has grown up seeing them as normal family conversation.

I'm also one for frank and open discussions. In addition to telling my daughter what puberty involves, I gave her this book when she was about 8 - she's been dipping in and out of it ever since, and when she's had questions she's asked us. She would ask myself or her dad equally but obviously I'm better placed to answer from experience.

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/whats-happening-to-me-book-susan-meredith-9780746069950

I second the book, it’s a very good read and my daughter has read it a few times in the privacy of her room.
I would speak to your wife because she didn’t like your approach from a couple of years ago. I don’t think you handled that awfully but of course it’s scary to find out you’re going to bleed because blood = pain. I find it refreshing that you’re so willing to talk to your daughters about everything and anything, my husband is terrified of these topics. Having said that, you need to be careful that you’re not coming across as dismissive to the huge changes coming their way. It’s obviously things you are biologically not able to experience and most women will tell you it is a BIG deal for a young girl to have happen to them and there’s a lot of things going on behind the scenes (pain, fear of leakage, fear of not being allowed to use the toilet at school, embarrassment of people knowing etc). Your wife is the best person to help because she’s been through it all, but I do like the fact that you want to help as well. Speak to your wife and let her guide you.

You're right OP. It sets the tone to keep you included in these conversations with your wife. Do speak to your wife to make sure she doesn't inadvertently exclude you just because it's a female issue. I don't think you did anything wrong. Your wife just added essential detail and a worst case scenario. Hopefully, it will not be dreadful for them

Thank you all. I will have a chat with my wife and the books is a great idea.